Sharing with those who are in the same boat - Not a Sob Story

Hi All,

I have been thinking for quite sometime to bring out the strange (because still I can not explain it, why all these unnecessary stuff happened in these world?) experience of mine which led to divorce. Partly I wrote it somewhere else in response to one of our IL's post.

As the title says, I am here (this particular post) not to cry, but to share some (inexplicable) incidents, which many of us possibly go through and to bring out the fact that inspite of all my efforts I failed to maintain a relationship and at the end of 10 long years empty-handed me see only how much golden time of my life I wasted for a person who did not deserve anything of it!

It is going to be a bit long... I 'll split it across many posts in the same thread.

It was a marriage which was built by us (I hate to call it a love-marriage at this point of time). He proposed (in a drammatic language), I accepted, my parents were happy as they wanted me to settle and to a place where I am working and also they were carried away by his sweet and caring nature. But over the time everything got changed. First wrong signal I got was within a year of marriage. Eventually over the years the following things shape up...

1. I was imposed on some Conditions to qualify as his wife. The deal was like this

(a) I have to do exactly he wants/likes and I am not allowed do anything which he does not like/want.

(b) I can not go anywhere (be it official duty or for my PhD) without his
permission.

(c) If I knowingly/unknowingly do something which he does not like, I can never repeat the same thing.

(d) I should not commit any mistakes (including silly mistakes, like not switching the lights and fans o before leaving a room, etc.)

(e) I can never argue with him (this means I can never express my views).

(f) My parents have to pay him Rs. 3.5 Lakhs as a penalty for all the mistakes I committed and everything I have done which he did not want/like and everything without his consent. (It started 4 years after marriage, when out of rage he told either my parents have to pay the penulty he decided for my misdeeds or I had to leave the house then and there itself. I agreed as he becomes uncontrollable when angry, hits his head against wall, throws and breaks off things and beats me.)

(g) In case of failure to commit/fulll the last point, I have to completely cut off my relations with my parents and brother (I can neither meet nor call them)

(h) All the above conditions have to be written down and have to be signed by me and my parents.

I could live with him if and only if I commit and strictly adhere to the above conditions. He threatened me of committing suicide if I did not commit to fulfill the above conditions or leave the house.

My Mistake-I: I could not believe on earth on point (f) that it can really happen. I agreed to it very consciously, thinking when he cooled down I would be able to convince him that such a thing is absurd and irrational. But, to my surprise, in his coolest condition also, he never deviated from his vows, and used to tell he did it correctly, as a casual, callous and careless person like me deserve nothing more than this.

The amount of penalty used to vary depending on his mood and nature of my deed and he used to meticulously keep accounting of those.

My Mistake-II: I never questioned him (initially) when he used to regularly ask money from me for keeping in the joint account, as I am not much concerned about money matters. This led me to a big practical problem after wards.

 

2. A Swindler!

(a) He kept on adding the amounts of penalty which summed up to Rs. 2.0 Lakhs after nearly two years (January 2006) and used to continuously pressurise me to talk to my Dad and get a deadline from him when he would pay it!

I kept this off so far from my parents, as I did not find any justification for doing this and bothering my aged parents.


(b) He did not allow me to go on official duty to out of station during Jan-Feb 2006. Instead he called my father and forced me to ask my
father to pay him Rs. 1.5 Lakhs if I dared to go.

This is the way my father came to know about the things.

(c) I decided to pay premium for an investment, which was initiated by my father when I was young. He never let me do that except a few times I managed to do it myself. In October 2006 he compelled me to arrange a draft of Rs. 30000/- in his name from my father as a repayment of what I did.

(d) When I had to leave the house in June 2007, I was left with an amount even less than my monthly salary in my salary account. (This happened because he made me pay Rs. 12000-20000/- in regular interval for the joint account) and used the money for investments for his own
interests. Except for four such investments, which are in my name, all the investments were made in his name. He has hence duped me of an enormous portion of my earnings (to the order of 10 lakhs at least) by claiming that he was doing so for my own good.

(e) He did not allow me to take any utilities and items from the house I used to share with him (including the refrigerator, which I bought myself before I got married), when I was forced to leave the house due to my failure to adhere to his Conditions.

He warned to increase the amount of the penalty payable by my parents to Rs. 4.5 Lakhs if I decided to stay back with him after making all the arrangements for moving out. He said this was to compensate for the expenditure I incurred to set up my separate living.

(f) For making arrangements for my separated life, I did not have enough money and I had to borrow sum 50000/- from the joint account, which I was allowed to do on the condition that I repayed him after my next salary.

(g) After separation, he was in possession of the papers and passbooks of the joint account, which he was reluctant to close (inspite of my repeated requests and attempts) and for long did not hand me over the jeweleries kept in the locker of the joint account. (After a long pursuance, I got it, and took only the portions gave by my parents). He happily enjoyed that and did not offer a single paise from that joint account (Now he acted as he was expected to)

 

3. Not spared physically

(a) He started beating me for triffling reasons like not switching o the light, not keeping his socks in his desired alignment, my outstation duties as asked by my Office, etc..

(b) He beat me up and pushed me out of the house at odd hours at night in several occasions. (I used to roam around the roads in our colony for hours or so, come back and sit on the stairs, the door used to be opened eventually)

(c) He even abused and beat me at home because I worked for a Conference organsied by our office, where I was nominated by our Director for a committe, only because he did not want me to work for the Conference and used to dislike the person I had to work with. (But he himself maintained a good political relationship with that person, who eventually became his boss and had an excellent rapport)

4. Verbal abuse to my Parents !!!

OMG!!! I was born to listen those nasty words about my parents!

(a) He used to regularly verbally abuse me and my parents for my activities which were not to his liking .

(b) Even after coming to office, he took pleasure in reminding me of the horrors that I'd have to face from him when I returned home every evening, through repeated phone calls

(c) Before I left the house, he used to allege me of conspiring with my parents to trouble him by intentionally committing mistakes and activities against his will to spoil his life.

(d) After I started living separately, he started accusing me of conspiring with one of my colleagues.

(e) He attempted to murder me with kitchen knife and threaten me of killing my parents as well if I do not meet his above-mentioned conditions.

(f) I was not allowed to call my parents and his parents without his permission. After going to his home in holidays, he used to check the CLI of the land-phone at his parental house. In case he used to succeed in identifying a call from me, he used to abuse me for calling and
his parents for receiving my call.

(g) In front of me, he called his parents and made defamatory statements against me mentioning that I could do anything to please my boss and my PhD Guide

(h) He was dead against me pursuing my PhD (though he knew before marriage itself that I had plan for higher studies) and tried by all means to aaffect it adversely. In one occasion, he forced me to shutdown the Computer where I was working to meet the deadline of paper submission in a Conference the next day, because he wanted to spend time for recreation by watching a cricket match in the Television. (However, in this case of the activities could be simultaneously carried out).

 

This is becoming too long and boring, I understand... But I need to speak up, Dears....

5. My Failed Attempts to avoid seperation
I knew I got married, at least not for separation. In spite of my busy office schedules, studies and outstation works, I always tried to make sure that I set things right for his daily chores, like pressing his clothes, keeping food items ready by our maid etc. He never helped me (except for those initial rosy days, even when the maid used to be absent and I used to seek his help).

(a) I endured and tried to remain with him tolerating the persecution put by him on me which started after a couple of years of my marriage.

(b) In several occasions, when he forced me to leave the house, I tried to convince him through discussions and tried to know whether he was really serious about his conditions.

To my surprise every time he mentioned that he was fully aware of what he was doing and he was convinced what he was doing was just and appropriate for a careless, casual and callous person like me who was deliberately trying to ruin his life.

(c) Not being successful after my attempts to make him realise the grave consequence of what he was trying to do, I contacted a Psyocolohist at Kolkata. I visited the doctor alone as he denied to cooperate and even refused to talk to the doctor over phone, which the doctor wanted to
understand and proceed with the matter. The doctor, after hearing from me, told that he was having some serous psychological disorder and needed prolonged treatment. And also cautioned me to be careful as he could even go for murdering me (which already happened by that time!!)

(d) I was utmost traumatized by his torture and inhuman behaviour towards me and despaired because of his stubborn and whimsical nature. I divulged the matter with his parents, who remained inactive and told they could not intervene into this matter in any way to improve the situation.

However, his father mentioned that given the acts of his son towards me and his conditions, he could not advise me to continue with such a person as his wife. (I was thankful to him at that moment, as he also requested me to keep contact with FIL and MIL at least over phone. Off course, this never happened as this guy controlled them successfully).

(e) Exasperated with this continuous persecution and traumatized situation,I was left with no other choice but to proceed with separation from this as he was insistent about fullling his conditions and his physical and emotional tortures continued and decided for permanent
separation through mutual divorce.