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Sexual Needs Frustration - A Particularly Pathetic Example

Discussion in 'Wednesdays with Varalotti' started by varalotti, Oct 3, 2006.

  1. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    Sorry, Shahana

    Sorry, Shahana, will post the English translation in a day or two. Let the ladies first read the original Tamil version.
    thanks for the interest,
    sridhar
     
  2. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    A Good Observation, Usha

    Dear Usha,
    that is a good observation and a very balanced suggestion to Radhika. But as you very aptly put it more than sexual frustration the feeling of being cheated that too in a relationship where utmost good faith is of essence (do I rekindle what we read in Mercantile Law "insurance is a contract of utmost good faith")
    upset the cart. And at that time it requires a fullfledged Buddha to be calm and collected.
    Her reaction was not filmi, Usha. Her reaction was natural and normal. But you know these days media persons are ubiquitous. Any relative or friend might have tipped the tabloids who are looking for news like this.
    The beauty is she got only a mutual consent divorce. Because if she had pleaded impotency as a cause it would have dragged on for years. At least now she is out of the relationship.
    But her future ? . That punctuation mark is a symbolic representation what is about to happen to her.
    regards,
    sridhar
     
  3. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    As usual, a brilliant analysis, Chitra

    There are many pertinent observations in your post. In fact I used your post to give replies to others. The points I admired are:

    a) Do you think, a young girl looking forward to an “amorous encouter with her beloved” on her wedding night , besides being rudely shocked by his blatant admission about impotency, will have the presence of mind to use her head instead of her heart? Her storming out of the room, blurting out the truth to the whole world is a natural sequence to her shock.

    b) They realise that she is a woman who has the guts to “ call a spade, a spade” and it is that guts, no doubt, scares men away. Every man wants a coy subservient wife, who will not have the emotional strength to assert her rights. And what you said is right. There is no scarcity of men to give her sexual company but nobody wants her as a life partner.
    c)
    I have not completely lost faith in men, having interacted with three wonderful men in my life – father, husband and son. That is a poweful statement.And gives some ray of hope for Radhika.
    Thanks for the response,
    sridhar
     
  4. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    Madam, let's agree to differ on some points, and agree on the rest!

    Hello Madam,
    I have been delaying the response to your post because I was not sure how to reply to the very first sentence. You have made a sweeping statement Madam, when you said, "A woman is a most responsible gender of this creation"
    Well I have been a champion for womens rights in my writings. But even then this statement is a little too hard to digest.
    With my little experience in meeting and moving with people I find that responsibility (like other qualities and abilities) is an individual personality trait. I know highly responsible men and highly irresponsible women.
    But I agree with the substance of what you are saying. In a marriage normally a woman gives up a lot more, compromises much more than a man. First she leaves off her home and parents to live with her husband. And she normally puts up with a lot of bullshitting from her in-laws because of her love for her husband. Agreed. But responsibility is a different ball game.
    Actually Radhika is not of the unusual type. She is quite normal and natural. What will be a woman's mentality when she walks into her wedding night? She is going to share the most intimate possible with another human being. Naturally such relationship should have absolute trust as the basis. When her husband cruelly betrayed that trust she got wild. She was not herself when she stormed out and made a scene.
    As to Radhika's future, I only wish your blessings come true. That an unusual man comes to her rescue.
    Till then, let's keep praying.
    Varalotti
     
  5. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    You set me thinking, Sudha!

    Dear Sudha,

    Normally when a discussion is going on and somebody digresses they will take out the issue from the depths and deal with it superficially. But you have by your digression taken the issue to a far deeper level. You have raised a multi-million dollar question, "do women have a choice?"

    This is very important that I would like to devote a whole week to discuss this issue in this thread itself.

    I am not at all offended but rather surprised that this dimension never occurred to me.

    Women who belonged to the generation of our parents did not have a choice at all. But in that generation even men did not have much of a choice.

    But I think barring exceptions in our generation we did have a choice. When I say choice we should not imagine the Dating system of the West where anybody can court anybody and if it clicks they will marry otherwise they will part as friends. Well I don't use choice in that sense.

    In our generation the parents showed the pictures, gave the CVs of the boys to the girls. They did ask for her preferences. And the parents go searching for the boy only to give the list of choices for their daughters. Of course we could not choose our own; we had to choose from out the menu which was defined by our parents.
    And there was a reason for that. Marriage to us Indians is a powerful relationshiop forged between two families. So they had to take everything into account.

    But in the new generation the girls have a greater choice. And Radhika belongs to the new generation. As I have told earlier in some other thread, one of my distant relatives, a boy from a very rich family, wanted to marry. He went and saw a beautiful girl, from an equally rich family. The girl said yes immediately. But the boy said that he wanted to move with the girl for a month before communicating his decision. So they met in restaurants and parks for a month. At the end of which the boy said yes but the girl said, a big NO.
    She reasoned that after moving with him I don't find him likeable.

    Now another question is even if that choice is there how intelligently it is exercised? That is another million dollar question. When a girl (or a boy) is in her prime her harmones would be working full time and it is very difficult to make a choice unaided by the elders. That's why many love marriages fail.

    Now my point is that the unemployed youth and even self-employed youth get completely ignored in the process. They are not even in the choice list.

    In my case I resigned a company job two months after marriage. One of my wife's relatives told me openly in a function, "Sridhar, it looks as if you were holding on to the job to put it on the marriag invitation."
    I went to pieces internally. I had just set up shop struggling to make both ends meet. Comments like these really hurts and puts you off the balance.

    That is beside the point.

    Now I want your and Sihi's inputs on choice.
    regards,
    sridhar
     
  6. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    Ladies, It's Time To Relax!

    Most Gracious ILites,
    Being used to discussing heartrending topics for the last few weeks, let's take a break now and take a heart-warming walk around the streets of Madurai. This wednesdays thread which has just been posted just takes you around some of the busiest and the most beautiful streets of Madurai with its eating joints, the swarming people and the typical festive season.
    Have a nice walk around the streets of Madurai.
    Varalotti
     
  7. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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    delayed response

    Varalotti,

    Sorry for the delayed response. I think what Radhika did was right, but maybe she could have done it in a different way. But in retrospect, I think she did well by breaking off her mariage then and there. If she had stayed on, her chances of remarriage would have become narrower in a constrained society that is obsessed with concepts like virginity. I have read that u choose yr incidents from real life. So, hope Radhika gets a good husband of her liking.
     
  8. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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    and another response

    I see that the writer has not commented on my post, so I take it that it did not warrant one. So here goes another one from me.

    When a wife is subjected to domestic physical abuse/violence in a marriage, she faces no problems in getting a divorce. And if she chooses to remarry, she will not find it very difficult to find a suitable second husband since she is pitied and her condition is accepted as worthy by society. But when a woman faces physical abuse as in the case of Radhika, the same society subjects her to its shaded double standards. A woman in Radhika's place is subjected to leers and smirks and a nudge and a wink.

    But having said this, I would still say that Radhika kind of won the situation. In personal issues like this, it is not fair to compare and contrast. Each case is sad and sordid and weighs heavily on the one who suffered. But in the course of researching for one of my academice articles, I came across a similar case of another couple. Both were well educated,ambitious and very much in love with each other.

    Marriage was perfect - emotionally and physically for the first two years. But after that, the husband started focussing intensely on his career and progress in his job. He lost interest in family life and as a result the couple spent the next six years without any sort of physical relationship.

    What could a wife do in such a situation? Walking out or divorce is not an option since she has seen the better side of her husband and loves him for what he is. So she stayed in the marriage and prayed that things will go back to being better and what they once were. But these years took a heavy toll on her since she has stars in her eyes and hopes in her heart.

    And last but not least, let us not forget all the widows of the years gone by, women who might have lost their husbands young. They too might have had such emotions and contrary to modern day women, no forum to express their voice.
     
  9. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    I agree with you, Vidya!

    Vidya,

    You are perfectly right. What women, mostly Indian women, lack is a kind of assertiveness. While I don't want women to be fighting cocks quarelling over each minor issue, in matters like these, when they are very squarely cheated by the persons they love, they will have to stand up and assert themselves.

    If I were in the Education Ministry I would make Assertiveness Training a part of the syllabus for all the womens colleges.

    A womans life becomes sad and complicated when she whispers an "Yes" when she ought to be bellowing a "No."

    Thanks for your views Vidya,
    regards,
    Varalotti
     
  10. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    There Was a Reason!

    The writer did not reply because he felt that your last post sort of concluded the discussion. And for a change the writer decided that you can have the last word in this matter. But now that the thread is reopened I am replying to the earlier post as well as this.

    There is a marked contrast between Radhika's case and the case you have cited. In Radhika's case what hurt her more was not her husband's impotence but his hiding it from her.

    But in the case you have cited the matter has become much complex and much beyond the black and white decision-making stage.

    I am not blessed with wisdom enough to offer any solution to that lady in your example. But there is one redeeming factor. It is not the stars in her eyes but the hope in her heart, but her love for her husband. With that love she can pray God for some solution.

    A small hint here. (I repeated this in What to pray for syndrome) When we normally pray we tell God, "Well, Mr.God, this is the problem and this is the solution I have in mind. Please grant that this solution works out."
    It is a highly limiting prayer.
    One of my clients was in so deep a trouble that there was no way out of his ****. Everybody advised him to pray. But what to pray for? He could not think of a way out of his problems. But he prayed generally. He thanked God for whatever that has been given to him. After practice he abandoned the desperation in his mind which is a block to all the solutions. And then his prayer was silent, non-specific, strong and very meaningful. He would just say God, I am in trouble. Please help me.
    And when the help arrived we all learnt one thing. It is not for nothing that God is called omniscient and omnipotent. The solution was beyond human comprehension.
    When the problems are overwhelming surrendering at His feet, to me, is the only solution.
    I am sure all the ILites would join you and me for a fervent prayer for the lady you have quoted in your example.
    regards,
    Varalotti
     

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