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Serious Problem - Please Help/suggest

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by DeepaJ65, Mar 29, 2018.

  1. DeepaJ65

    DeepaJ65 New IL'ite

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    This is my first post in IL. Hope you guys help me out of my misery.

    Well to tell it in a gist, My daughter (currently 29 years) had her uterus & ovaries removed at a tender age of 18 years following multiple reoccurring fibroids & operations to prevent it from spreading to other parts in abdomen.
    As it worsened to the point where we had to chose between her fertility and her life.
    God gave us courage through the tough time and we overcomed together in family.

    But from past few years there is a silent feeling of sorrow in our family when we see girls her age /friends getting married and moving ahead in their life. Our blessings to these beautiful souls !
    But somehow my daughters life has became stagnant. She is unsure, hazy of her life, relationships, future.
    To make it worse she underwent depression in the grief over past trauma and uncertainty of her future. Her life is not like any other normal girl. When she is social with friends, family & cousins she is normal but when back alone and at home she is the same quiet, no zeal & silent.
    She has been hesitant to go in any relationship during her young age due to the same to avoid losing it when things are disclosed as any family would not really accept it.

    She has been a achiever in her school/college and was very ambitious and hard working girl with sky as the limit.
    But due to this even this is fading. She is drained, depressed and is unable to handle stress, not enjoying her career/job in short not full of life.

    We feel its time she should get married/ find a suitable life partner/soulmate to have an emotional support system & strength when we are no more with her as she is the only child and is a nuclear family. It will also help to overcome her past.

    But now the problem arises -
    1 How should we go ahead with her marriage
    2 What kind of boy/family will accept this (if ever)?
    3 Will arrange marriage will ever be a solution to this ?
    4 Will there be someone who becomes her strength, be understanding and have a normal cheerful life.

    There are so many worries daunting us about her marriage/future to me and my husband and is sinking us too.
    Anyone who could help/suggest will be really appreciated.
     
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  2. Raffaello

    Raffaello Silver IL'ite

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    Great strength to you and your daughter .. On a positive side you have given a biggest blessing life to her .. Fertility part honestly not all. Women tend to reproduce there are lots of women out there childless due to some reasons .
    In her case you have chosen a right path so that she could be saved from the infection to her abdomen .. So just concentrate on the positive note..
    Marriage part look for a person to is really open to this and well . Aware of her issues, just think that she is born with a different ability a challenging ones,, there are people out there to see things beyond child factor..

    Just a small question she can have a normal sexual life just could not bear a child right ..
    Ask her to look for a guy who can very well. Understand her side... Always we have choices in life, so we got to make the wise decision so she can surely find a guy..
    Be it arranged or love I believe that both the partners need their understanding of each other .. Ask her to come out of depression and just see the lights life is gonna bring her . There are people born with lots of malfunction and nothing stops them from achieving (Stephen hawking) so you must motivate her guide her in her life...
    Adoption is also an option so just start to look for a person who can bring merry in her life and accept her for what she is.. Tell the person about her, make it a team work all three of you find a person for your gem ..
    Someone born exclusively would surely come in her way.. So just start your search.. Be open and honest ..

    Life will be a bliss for your daughter ask her to spread happiness rather self inflicting negativity on herself... Give her this challenge to find a person for her... Bet on her ability provoke and motivate her in the righteous way
    . She will be blessed with one.. Live happily ever after...
     
  3. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    I think before initiating the marriage talks, you should work on improving her self confidence. Have you thought of seeking a help of counselor where she will be able talk out her fears. Please make her come out of the shell before searching for the groom.

    Prayers and strength to you & your daughter
     
  4. DeepaJ65

    DeepaJ65 New IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for taking time and sharing piece of advice. Stay Blessed.
    Regarding sexual life yes definately she can have intercourse and have a normal married life but no conceiving
     
  5. DeepaJ65

    DeepaJ65 New IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for your time & advice. Yes we took help of counselor & medication. We helped her, motivated her and advised to be thankful of her life that it is all cured now and make best of it.
    She is recovering but its not completely normal & cheerful. When she is to herself the thoughts still prevail.
     
  6. Raffaello

    Raffaello Silver IL'ite

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    First try to get her and importantly yourself out of this grief and start to see the positive side.. For marriage just ensure he is aware of it and one who is ready for the same girl and not nay modified version of your little ones will only bring smiles to her all through the journey .. So look for a person.. You will find one.. Let her also search and you too from your end..
     
    Sandycandy and DeepaJ65 like this.
  7. DeepaJ65

    DeepaJ65 New IL'ite

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    Thanks for all your kind words & motivation.
     
  8. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    @DeepaJ65 we have people who dont want kids. there is group of people who are not bothered about the extending the family tree or of the opinion that having kids is the epitome of their existence.

    there are many groups on fb for matrimony. may be just check by having an post there without giving out too many details..

    Making a choice: Indian couples who don't want children

    Indian Women Speak Out About Choosing Not To Have Children

    it is a problem only as long as we alow it to be.

    socialise as a family, let her spread her wings. there are loads of activities that may get her out of this mindset.
    see if you can get her out of your home to explore.. travel..
     
  9. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @DeepaJ65,

    As a family you have gone through a hard time and it's now time to move beyond...towards happiness.

    As others have already pointed, your daughter's first goal should be to live life to its fullest. Reproduction is an important part of one's life but it is not everything. Even in a regular union, reproductive failure could stem from many issues like male infertility, hereditory issues, separation/divorce and so on. There are many couple now who do not wish to procreate; they are in relationship to nurture and fulfill couple goals. My sincere suggestion to your daughter would be to accept her bodily loss and count on her blessings. To overlook her weakness and rejoice her strength. Any handicap is more in the mind than in the body.

    With a wider advertising, you may easily find a good groom for her or she may also find her life partner if she socialises with a open mind. First of all she must develop confidence in her self. She is in no way less than others.

    To fulfill her maternal instincts, as per her/their choice, they may opt for surrogacy or adoption whenever they are ready for it.

    Prayers and best wishes to your family.
     
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2018
  10. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    I am sorry for what your daughter had to go through . Your post is a stark reminder that however progressive we think our society is getting we still tie a woman’s identity to her roles of being a wife and a mother and being fertile.

    The first step for you as a family is to stop looking at this episode negatively. The way I as an outsider see it is your daughter being incredibly lucky to get a second chance at life, not something everyone gets. It’s hard not to feel a tinge of sadness at her peers “settling down” but remember that there is no point, your daughter has her own special journey .
    Like others suggest your daughter needs to get out of her depression and only then consider marriage. There are options like adoption if one really wants to have children in their lives , volunteer with her at a orphanage often. Let her see how optimistic and hopeful these kids are about finding a family. She can also sponsor these kids education etc if adoption is not for her.

    Once she is better make sure to use a known matrimonial site and do provide information upfront. Don’t subject her to more disappointment and also be disrespected by having guys or their families tell her she is not good enough.
    She like any other woman deserves a man that thinks she is an equal .

    I think what is most important is that you as a parent and her understand that her legacy will be her strength and capability to live her life happily/ independently , not necessarily through marriage or having children. It’s sad to see a seemingly bright capable young woman define her life through her infertility. After all uterus and ovaries are not the only thing that make a woman complete, there are many other positive attributes that I am sure she possesses.

    Please take care and cheer up !
     
    shama146, salad, kalpas and 12 others like this.

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