1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Separating Need Help Please

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Users, Feb 13, 2020.

  1. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    818
    Likes Received:
    1,209
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Op,
    If you have to get a bigger house with his and her kitchens, in addition to bedrooms. But still, you will be under the same roof. It is easier to take care and raise kids, if we are married. It is easier in US when compared to India.
    I would say stay like roommates, if you have to. Many americans do this too. It is common, it good for tax purposes, child raising, even the school mail will come to one address and teachers will know that you guys are together, the PTA will know the same, and playground children will also know the same- that your kids have one house. 10 years is a very small time, when compared to lifetime regrets- in terms of messing up child's psychology.
    Stop waiting for husband to behave well. Accept him as bad. Ask him to stop the divorce thing and call it truce.
    When is he at his worst- avoid being near him at that time.
    He won't harm your children and can be a okay father, okay provider, okay male (males are important in this or any society). Then keep him in your household.
     
    AmulB likes this.
  2. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    967
    Likes Received:
    2,080
    Trophy Points:
    265
    Gender:
    Female
    I think my opinion about this is a little bit different. Take it as you will...

    If the problems with your spouse has caused you both to think about separation as the next step, why not consider that option. With discussion with your husband, agree for a temporary separation (a trial separation). If you are in good enough talking terms, discuss a good way to handle the kids schedule, as you (and he) will be interested in making sure kids are minimally affected. You can involve attorneys if you want some legal protection. Going to an attorney doesn’t mean you are going to fight in court. It might mean that your rights are transparent and protected.

    If it is you who has to leave, Find a residence nearby that would make it easy for commute for kids.

    Give yourself (you and husband) a time span, like 3 months, in which you are living separately. Go to marital counseling if you are both interested in making it work. This way, you and your children don’t come home to fighting and negativity.

    After 3 months evaluate where you both are. Has the absence of in-laws and this distance, help you connect as spouses? This time also allows you both the time to cool down and not enter a legal battle, if legal separation or divorce is pursued. The worst battles are done immediately after separation, so when both parents have a chance to calm down and work toward their children’s best interest, they hopefully will not be fighting for custody and money (the 2 things that most people drag in family court).

    The people who are concerned about the kids... they will be able to adapt to this. What children shouldn’t get used to is the internal fighting within their home. They shouldn’t see parent verses parent, even if it’s a silent fight... because they do internalize our actions. Children do thrive when they see their parents at peace, even if it’s in separation.
     
    hermitcrab, shama146 and AmulB like this.
  3. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    967
    Likes Received:
    2,080
    Trophy Points:
    265
    Gender:
    Female
    So I just re-read what you said about yourself. Mid-30s with kids above 5 and dependent visa. I definitely encourage you to stay in the US. You will be able to find a better support system here and not linger in negativity. Your kids will also find a support system, that does not pity them, but gives them the positive interactions to thrive.

    I know people who have visa issues, but oftentimes, if spouses are willing to deal with it amicably, they find a way to remain on spouses visa until they can ensure their own visa. It may require some sacrifices, usually monetary, but in the end... if it’s taken to court, most judges advocate for the children’s well being. And that means, having time with both parents, possibly even 50/50. In general, the judges look for cooperation between the spouses to ensure that the children are being cared for- if deportation is a risk, there are legal ways to negotiate the situation. For now, don’t worry about that.
     
    hermitcrab likes this.
  4. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    330
    Likes Received:
    648
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi
    This is the worst situation to be in as an immigrant.

    How are you working in dependent visa ? Do you have H1 sponsor ? Are you in IT ?
    You have to stay here because the kids need both parents. Please dont split the kid from one parent.
    Inlaws coming and creating problems is routine problem every NRI faces, can you just wait till they leave and then decide ?
    Separate from him and see how it goes. Both of you might learn valuable lessons and get a perspective. Not all get divorce just because they want it. Only a few go through with it. Most of them back out.
    As a divorced women in USA, I can tell you its much easier to get divorce in US than in India. But the visa issue is the worst. If you or him lose your H1 status then its a huge tug-of-war with respect to kids lives.

    goodluck
     
  5. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    383
    Likes Received:
    496
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    slow down. are you fighting more after your ILS came or have you been fighting all the time.

    sometime men are stupid, they feel it is power play by saying split.

    do you guys have any common hobbies that you like. even walk . try to spend time doing that , you do not even have to talk during that time. just walk 2 people . it makes a difference

    talk to him calmly and explain that kids take priority. unless you do not have a violent marriage history, take a step back and work up slowly. some time people want to feel important, make then feel for sake of bigger goal - kids.

    i am not saying bend all over and loose your self respect. but just be analytical and sweet tooth to soothe this stress full period.

    however all these is no good, if you have had a violent marriage and he has been physcially abusive or emotionally
     

Share This Page