Sending money to MIL

shari2003 · Feb 14, 2012

Hi Renu,

It did hurt a lot to see what sort of a person my DH turned out to be, and the truth that he is as selfish as can be has sunken into me.
It is as bad that I cannot even confide anything in him. Once, my mil's uncle gave me a call and that lasted for around 1 hour. He went on to say how my MIl is stingy yet wants to make more and more money, how cunning she is to even her siblings, how she manipulates people, how she does black magic, how she creates misunderstandings between people and finally concluded that I should tell my DH or BIl to take her to a psychiatrist. I casually mentioned some of it while I spoke to DH (around 2 months after uncle spoke to me), and I felt horrible when DH told all of it to his mother - Then I understood, there isnt anybody I can open up to, or confide in. It was a shock...
It does not hurt me at all anymore. During the weekend DH was acting funny and accused me of finishing off his money on "mutual funds and other nonsenses". It seems he does not even have enough money to recharge his phone. He wanted me to finish off some carpentry and masonry work required for the home and I said I did not have money. He started shouting that I finished off all his money on unwanted expenses. Basically, he was trying to provoke me. I said I do not use even one penny of his for any of my personal expenses and he can be at peace with that. I also said that he has enough and more money for all that he needs and why should I and my daughter scrimp???
For that, he raised his voice and finally wanted to speak to my mother to complain to her. He shouted so much at me because he knows that would affect me badly. As a result, my migraine has aggravated very badly and am just not keeping well.

I am only praying to God to keep his mind at peace and to get him to think and do things right...

bukbuk · Feb 14, 2012

Since you cannot change your dh, or your mil, at least try saving yourself from the migraine by not involving in financial matters. Keep your finance separate from your dh's and tell yourself not to ask him for money whatsoever in future. Be defiant. Just treat him as if you were your male friend. Would you be interested in the accounts of your male friend? At least you have a job - manage your accounts well and do your financial planning. Keep yourself aloof from your dh's money.

As someone before suggested, money is not as important as peace of mind.

shari2003 · Feb 14, 2012

Hi Soulful,

No, I do not object to the money part, because, I know it can only grow worse if I ever object. And, regarding transparency in spending/ finance too, I am sure he would not listen. I have tried getting him to sit down and discuss this long back, but, he was reluctant to listen to me and simply started shouting. So, each time we get a pay hike or a promotion or job change, I make sure to plan for a new investment at least for 60% of the increase we receive. So, that makes sure, he doesnt get more than a limit to waste.

shari2003 · Feb 14, 2012

True, Bukbuk,

This is what I have decided; to save, spend and manage my money is the best way that benefits us, and leave his stuff completely to him; to never bother whatever he does with his money (though it might take some time to get adjusted to it.). Also, as I wrote in my previous post, he had complained to my mom 2 days back that I pester him by calling him up. I have been trying to NOT call him from my end after that. I shall just attend his call if he calls, and it stops there.

Sugzy · Feb 16, 2012

Shari, I feel there are 2 ways you can go about this. One is an offensive route and the other is a defensive/manipulative route. Both can yield different results and should be taken based on which situation you are more comfortable with.

Here are the assumptions I am making, if these are wrong let me know and I will tweak my suggestions:
a. You are co owner on the house's deed and co-signer on the loan
b. You are co beneficiary on all your investments with your husband that require payments

A. Offensive route: i will go over this first because I would have done this if I were in your shoes
1. Calculate the expenses you have including house payments, bills etc and then divide it by 2. Put your share in your shared account with your husband and put the rest in a separate account where your child is the beneficiary.
2. As you already said, start taking small amounts of money from this pool and putting it in investments in your kid's name.
3. If you husband objects, tell him you are sharing the expenses and the rest is yours to do as you please since he is doing the same. Also tell him that this is non negotiable since he doesn't make you and your child feel secure. He is free to do whatever he wants about it
4. Dont engage your MIL, there is no reason for you to worry about her well being since she clearly doesnt care about you and your child.
5. If your husband threatens you with the dreaded D word, take it calmly and tell him that you are going to get a lawyer and if he wants to go that route he is more than welcome to. He has tried to physically hurt you before, this wont get any better. Abusers dont understand kindness.
You have a supportive mother, you have a job, you are a smart independent girl. Your husband is not being much of a husband to you anyway, if he wants to break it off legally, take him to the cleaners. Sometimes men only torment you because they think they can threaten you with a broken relationship. Once he knows that the idea doesn't scare you, he will be scared himself.

B. Manipulative route
1. Husband: understand that sometimes children do everythign for their parents just so their parents will love them. Your MIL is manipulating him by making him think that he needs to do all this to be worthy of her love. Try to understand his plight and every conversation you have with him turn it on his well being. Example, about the hidden expenses tell him "honey, i am so worried about your stress level. You are out there alone and you had to get the stress of hiding this expense from me. I love you and your son loves you too. We dont want you to take tension about these things. I am sure MIL doesnt want you to be stressed either". Make your and your son's love so much for him that he doesn't need validation from his mother.
2. Use your son's future to secure some money, tell him how you dream that your son will become a successful man like his father, and how he is such a good father to your son. Tell him how much your son misses his papa and asks about him all the time. You need to invoke his parental love for his child to overcome his need to please his mother. Never mention money directly, just use word like future security, higher education expenses.
3. Become a sweet DIL to your MIL. Visit her often and every time tell her how much you both miss her son and how her son is so stressed in the US juggling everything. Also tell her things like "I want to get a college fund started for <insert son's name> but husband is already working so hard, I dont know how to ask him". Sometimes elders like it that you ask them for help and dont appear all independent. It gives them a power kick. I can bet you thats how your BIL convinced your MIL to give him the house.
4. Take your mother in your confidence and when she talks to your husband, always have her say things like son you are working so hard, your wife and child miss you so much etc etc.

It will be very hard to do the manipulative route since you have to do nice things even though you are mad beyond belief, but if you want things to work out with your husband and keep him happy and yet fix this, you will have to find the strength to do this

Couple of things:
1. Ignoring things doesn't work, they haven't worked for numerous women I have seen. If you are putting up with things you don't like, at least make it such that the person knows what a great sacrifice you are making
2. I think its very mean of you to judge your MIL's tenant's morality, you are you to be the judge of that. They haven't done anything bad to you. Why do you care if your MIL is friendly with them, maybe she is just lonely.