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Sending money to MIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by shari2003, Feb 7, 2012.

  1. shari2003

    shari2003 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    I had written in the same forum a few days back stating how my DH is abroad for about a year and how I miss him. Now a new problem has come up for which I would need your suggestions.
    My DH used to send around $200 to MIL every month since he went to US. I objected to this at first, but, later agreed. In fact he never shares this info with me; I find out from transaction history/ details. I fought after the first transaction and have been mum about it ever since because, I do not want to break the peaceful relation I share with DH. Today morn, I noticed that he has sent $650 to his mother, and am quite unsatisfied with that. Around $200-$300 is ok, but, isn’t $650 too much?
    Regarding mil, she is working in Central Govt salary scale. She has married off her children. She and fil (no more) had crores worth property which she shared between bil and sil (nothing to DH), and now its only DH who sends her money! And, she doesn’t even buy a dress for our daughter, in spite of all this. I am all the more disturbed because DH gets angry when I spend even Rs 1000 for a personal expense and insists that I should try and close home and car loans asap. But, the same man sends money that he ought to save to his beloved mother who doesn’t even care for him or consider him as her son.
    Is this sort of feeling common among wives like me? What should I do to take care of my restlessness?
     
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  2. HariSriPriya

    HariSriPriya Senior IL'ite

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    hi,

    I think you should talk to ur DH, about how you feel when he sends money without having a word with you. it is not a permission, but just a matter of discussion which both of you shud do before doing any financial help.. With my personal experience i wud say the more you resist, it will go the other way.. You should stress more on the point that u feel bad as ur neither ur MIL nor ur DH discuss anything abt need of money. Your husband shuld be comforatable sharing wht he want to do for his parents.... this is very important for married life... And regarding ur inlaws being partial - it is quite common,ignore it. You shuld be happy that ur DH is having true affection on them . If i were in ur position, i wud ignore the money being sent , but will insist on one thing - Whatever finantial help needs to be done, it shuld be discussed .
    I hope it helps you.
     
  3. EverHappy

    EverHappy Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Shari,

    I usually dont read this forum, but just bumped into your post and did not see many replies, so here you go...

    I think there are few issues here, and would be easier if you answer these questions..
    1. Is it the money you are upset about?
    2. Is it that your DH doesnt let you spend but he gives it to his mother?
    or is it that he dint tell you?

    I think you must try and answer these questions first..
     
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  4. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    Am curious. Your mil had crores worth property and your dh got nothing? Why?
     
  5. shari2003

    shari2003 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi EverHappy,

    Thank you for your response to the thread. The first thing that bothers me is that he did not inform me. It is definitely not that he should seek permission, but, I felt that he should have kept me known especially because MIL does not share anything with me and he too knows of it.
    It hurt me a lot because, he deleted all receipts of the transaction as soon as it came through and it was by chance that I got to see. That meant that he never intended to let me know of it at all. I felt very bad about it.

    Very frankly, this time am not happy about the money being sent too. If it was up to $300, i would not have thought too much about it. He usually sends around that money and never deletes these receipts from his email. And, I do not even mention or discuss about it even after I come to know of it. So, he should not have held it from me, and I do not think $650 is a meagre/ small sum. Especially because she earns her salary, she has FIL's pension, house rents (of 2 houses) and does not spent a dime. All she does is save for her daughter.

    Thirdly, I do not normally use his money to even buy my stuff/ clothes/ my expenses. I use my salary for that. I had invested around 60K in a mutual fund plan as a long term investment and he is unhappy that I "Simply wasted" money. Any time I make any investment of my own, be it insurance plans, gold schemes or chits, he gets irritated! But, he just spents without thinking of loans on electronic stuff that he has fancy on, or sends to mil!
    I am truly irritated with the double game. However, I have not mentioned that I came to know of the transaction at all.
     
  6. renutn

    renutn Gold IL'ite

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    why so much furious on this? If he has forgotten about it ...that's okay ..with his work life and other tensions he might have forgotten. It seems you don't trust your H. If your MIL is saving money for her daughter ..be happy your DH is doing a good for his siblings they also shared same blood as your DH.
    Problem comes when he is not caring/loving or not doing anything for you. If none of these then why to take tensions for these small issues?
     
  7. shari2003

    shari2003 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi bukbuk,

    It is true! They (mil and fil) had two properties. One was from MIL's inheritance; it was a house plot in the prime area of the city. MIL gave it to BIL even without discussing anything to DH, in spite of DH being the eldest son. Also, DH and BIL are both almost equally educated (DH completed Btech and BIL MCA) and both working in IT. My co-sis is also working in IT. Still MIL felt BIL was in need, and BIL immediately constructed a house in the plot! Me and Dh bought a piece of land and constructed house (with not a single penny from MIL).
    Regarding the second property (FIL's inheritance), it was a huge piece of land with two houses (one old and another new) in it at the heart of the city. During our marriage discussions (around 10 years back), and until last year, MIL always mentioned that the new house was for my sil, and nobody objected. But she said the old house was still in the 3 childrens' names (DH, BIL and SIl). And, all of a sudden, last year, my MIL called DH (alone) to her house and made him and his brother sign the registration deed, registering that house too in my SIL's name.
    I had initially fought with DH on this (now I understand how immature I was) and DH shouted at me then. But now I have decided that it is much better to be self made and not owe anyone a penny. It adds a lot of value. However, I have made it clear to DH that he should not expect me to look after MIL any day, because she never considered him as her son (through her actions she showed that) and our lil one as her grand child (though she is the first child in that generation in their family). But, I would not object his giving her money.
    Thanks.
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2012
  8. shari2003

    shari2003 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Renu,
    True, i should not be furious about it. But, am sad that he hid away all means by which I might come to know of it (he deleted all receipts and other mails regarding the transaction). That clearly shows that he was not in a hurry, but, just wanted to hide the facts from me.
    Another thing is, the same person gets too furious when I spend on anything for myself, even if its from my salary. He mentions home loan, gold loan and what not!
    And regarding all that going to my SIL, I dont really care. In fact nothing would change even if I cared. May be I am annoyed because I know how manupulative and strategic MIL and SIl are.
     
  9. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Shari, your MIL is being very unjust and any women in your place would be as furious as you are at what is going on in your family. Why is your DH behaving like this? Is there something that you don't know?
    I think getting furious is not going to help you. Whenever you talk to your DH on this matter, talk calmly and logically. Try to gain his confidence, so that he shares with you why he is doing it. Then you can discuss with him why it is unfair to him and his family.
     
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  10. ssm014

    ssm014 Platinum IL'ite

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    Unfortunately If you see, this issue is not uncommon in many households..
    My Aunt was married off into a well to do family with 2-3 houses + land in FIL/ DH name. Slowly over a period of time each & every house was sold saying they money is being invested in shares ect...while in reason FIL spends on his Crorepati Son in Law and Daughter.
    This Aunt had to stop working after marriage due to her son being born premature (due to stress etc while she was carrying him) and has slow growth. He is dependent on his Mother for most activities and is now 20 years old...:(
    Unfortunately for my Aunt, nothing has changed in ILs/ DH side...they still continue to live in a small 1 bhk house while ILs were living in a 3 BHK with AC, Marble temple inside etc...DH continues to send half his salary to ILs even though they earn from FDs and free lance work.Only Positive thing that has come out is My aunt has become very resilient and stronger mentally compared to her younger days..
    In my personal experience (married now for 6 yrs), I used to be hassled initially by all this and used to get disturbed whenever MIL calls at the beginning of the month to remind DH to deposit money in her account...Her needs are also taken care by BIL. Of-course I have learnt to bite my tongue and ignore the same in past few yrs. Over a period of time, due to increase in our expenses, DH himself has gradually cut down on money, gifts etc as he sees nothing coming to us.
    Please don’t let your hubby spending money on ILs stop you from making your own savings, chits etc for your child. If need be try and be discrete and save from your household expenses for your child.
     
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