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Selflessness – a virtue?

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by satchitananda, Apr 24, 2011.

  1. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    [​IMG]

    [JUSTIFY]The word "mother" always brings forth to our minds images of unconditional love, affection, someone who gives up her own interests and desires to ensure that her children do not lack anything in life and get only the best. As they say "God could not be everywhere, so he made mothers".

    Very true. My mother is no exception to this maxim. Ever since I can remember, my memories are of her waking up with the lark (at around 5 am), cooking breakfast and lunch for all of us, getting me up, sending me to school, picking me up from the bus-stop in the evenings, sitting with me every evening to ensure that my homework was done, cooking snacks and dinner and going to bed at around 10 after preparing for the next morning. So basically her life revolved entirely around husband, children, taking care of and catering to the needs of family members (from her side as well as from dad's side of the family) who visited, taking them out and so on and so forth. The very thought of how she managed all this day in and day out for so many years from the age of 20 is mind boggling. I don't remember her ever taking time off to devote a couple of hours to her own interests. “Duty” always came first.

    We grew up. My sister got married. I went to college and then abroad to study further. Grandchildren now took the place of the children who had flown the nest. Mom loved every bit of it as she loves to take care of people and absolutely adores children. The years went by. The grand children too grew up and got busy with their lives and routines. But they used to still drop in and dad was around for her to take care of. Mom was contented in her own little world.

    Then cancer took my dad away. That is when her world came crashing down. My mom is a very independent woman and is not one to display her emotions. She took my father's death with a stiff upper lip so to speak. I was very happy and proud of her ability to cope. Her display of courage was a source of moral strength to her children and grandchildren. She insisted on living alone and refused to come to stay with either of her daughters in spite of our begging her to.

    The years passed. After about 5 years of the event, we noticed that she was not what she used to be. Her memory started very noticeably failing her and old age dementia hit her to an extent where she had to be put on treatment and forced to stay with her daughters.

    To date people always talk of what a wonderful woman she is (which she undoubtedly is) and how selfless she is. Though they talk of her selflessness in a positive light, I have started questioning this "virtue" after seeing what happened to my mother. Having been brought up to believe that these are qualities which define a good wife and mother, she threw herself headlong into her "duties" to family to the exclusion of her own needs and interests, without ever questioning or protesting against it. No matter how much everyone tried to get her to do something for herself, she would always put family first.

    It was only when I saw her slowly withdrawing into her own loneliness that I realized that there was something terribly wrong with this whole concept. All she wanted to do was to cook, clean and keep house. She needed someone to pamper the same way she had her children and grandchildren. However the daughters and the grandchildren had flown the nest. No amount of effort to get her involved in word jumbles, puzzles, books or the like helped. Efforts to get her to paint (she used to like painting before she got married) failed. She is obviously too old now to develop new interests and it is just too long since she indulged in her hobbies – so they do not hold such an attraction for her any more. She reads books to keep her mind occupied, but I wonder how much she assimilates – her mind keeps wandering. Even when there is domestic help available, she finds it difficult to let go and relax. She has to keep doing something in the kitchen, which because of memory loss is now dangerous.

    Is this what selflessness is all about? “Self – lessness” - a denial of the self – is this doing justice to the life that God above gave equally to men and women to live to the fullest? Is it really fair and just to voluntarily deny oneself any happiness and enjoyment? Have we a right to reject some pleasures in life which God intended for us, just so we make others happy?

    One can say she was supremely happy doing what she did. It was her choice. It gave her happiness to see her family happy. But there comes a time in each one's life, when one is left to one's devices. No one can be blamed. Life has to go on and everyone has to work hard. No more the days of 9 – 5 jobs where people had the luxury of hours of leisure when one could enjoy family time. These days it has to be “quality time” - a matter of necessity, not of choice. At such times, especially in nuclear families, one increasingly sees elderly women being left on their own in their old age, once the partner is no more. While these women may be physically and intellectually in a position to manage on their own or with some help from children and their spouses, they are left emotionally bereft. It is at such times that one needs to fall back on hobbies developed over a lifetime – something one can call one's own, which no one can take away. One has to be emotionally self-sufficient. This is the harsh reality of life. Others can be there for us, but they have their own limitations. No one can replace the partner one has lost.

    Today I wish I had been mature enough in my younger days to realize her needs and to help her with her chores, so that she could find time for herself. Would things have been different then? Or would her innate nature and upbringing still have triumphed over those efforts and led to the same consequences? Who knows? We can only conjecture. All I can pray is that she has a more enjoyable life next time round.[/JUSTIFY]
     
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  2. iyerviji

    iyerviji Finest Post Winner

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    Dear Satchi

    Thought provoking blog, very well narrated about your mother. It is her goodquality in her to be independent and look after her children and her husband. Women of yesteryears were like that. They used to think that their family is their world. They used to do selfless service never expecting anything in return. So your mother also wanted to give the best to you all and usually mothers dont like to be a burden to their children. Hats off to her for being courageous even after your father's death .

    Dont worry dear now you do whatever you can for your mother . Its not too late. My father also died of cancer and my mother was not so bold. She had sons no problem but then in her last years she was with me because there was noone to look after my children. My husband looked after her like his own mother and he was the one who was with her when she was in death bed. I did whatever I can for her and thanks tomy husband that he was with me.

    I will pray for your mother's good health , all the best to her. May God bless her and fulfil her wishes

    Its all God's will , so dont worry. All the best for your mother's health.
     
  3. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks so much Vijima for your words of support. One often feels pushed to ask "what if", but unfortunately it is all pure conjecture and we cannot live life in retrospect. Even if we could, given the fact that situations and people would remain the same, I suppose it would only be a replay, nothing would change.
     
  4. SARASVADIVU

    SARASVADIVU Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Satchi,

    That was so touching ..ended up having tears in my eyes! I suppose Mothers are always like that: SELFLESS, DEVOTED TO THEIR FAMILY, REJOICING IN THE PROSPECTS OF THE FAMILY MEMBERS RATHER THAN THEIRS'..:bowdownMy mom too is the similar kind.

    Praying that your mom's rest of the life be blissful, peaceful and filled with solace.:bowdown


    Regards

    Saras
     
  5. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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  6. Sudha Kailas

    Sudha Kailas IL Hall of Fame

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    I am reminded of my mother too who sacrificed all her interests for the sake of her children and now her grand children !!

    Will I be as selfless as her .........a big ????
     
  7. vidchakra

    vidchakra Platinum IL'ite

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    Very well written...
     
  8. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Sudha,

    Thanks for the feedback. I am sure we all need to think of the world beyond I, Me and Myself. But my only concern is that we do not carry it to such an extreme, that we are left without ourselves when we are alone. We should not grow so lonely, always craving for company, or for someone to do something for that we start withdrawing from the world and losing touch with reality. This happens to a lot of the women from the older generation whose lives revolved only around family and home and who either did not choose to or were not encouraged to develop a hobby of their own.
     
  9. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    thanks Vidchakra. :)
     
  10. Malar2301

    Malar2301 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Satchi...

    Definitely a touching and thought provoking post...I'm getting reminded of my mother. As and when I was reading the lines, my inner soul was seeing a visual of my mother!!! You have brought down well!!

    I wonder whether will I be like my mother...or atleast a half of her :hide:.

    Better late than never...You still have time to keep her happy and comfort!!
     

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