Seeking some diplomatic advises AGAIN...

The ceremony is in a temple so don't worry. Tell your husband you will go with him .
Go there and do your bit like you did at the clinic.
Be normal with your mil....respectful but formal.

As for his comment about holding a grudge...just tell him you are only trying to protect yourself from future abuse because you have seen how neither he, nor his father can protect you from his mom , when she is abusive.Just tell him you are trying to protect yourself and thus prevent further erosion of relationship.

Try not to bring up topics that lead to conflict between you two.If he brings up the topic...just change it or tell him you want the two of you to be happy during your five days. Do things together.

Your fil is being naive in trying to get you involved in some or the other function on some pretext.It is not like he doesn't know her or hasn't seen what has happened. He is either too naive or just taking advantage of his illness.

It is surprising that the sons can become non believers without any problems but dils have to take part in every ritual.If they can't get their own son to take part...why expect mandatory dil presence?

1)Go provided your husband will go too.
2)Behave normally.With respect but formally.
3)If father in law asks to visit...tell him neither he or your husband can protect you from her fury ,so you will decide when it is safe to visit that place.Say it firmly but respectfully.If he insists...tell him you have come to the temple because of your love and respect for him.If he insist on your coming home....you will feel he doesn't care about your respect and safety.If he can use emotions ....so can you.

 

I don't know the back ground of your pain with mil, still after reading this i am putting my view. Not for the sake of anybody, no dh or fil, just for the sake of you visit the function. Always we don't go people forget us, so we must attend such functions if invited.
What ever fight may be, don't let your individual pain affect your h and w relation. Be normal, no grudge or pain. Think that you shake hands with strangers on meetings at office, even if an enemy is invited, if official we do it for the company, personal issues apart, same rule its personal, common sacred ceremony so attend as dil.

If you skip, people will begin to think some mistake on your side or you are afraid to face mil so she never comes or she disrespects her husband or many more...

My mom is a best example, if invited she goes though she dislikes some one, also as dil she stands first in all auspicious and death ceremony to take the leadership, otherwise she never talks to my granny, though my granny is staying with my mom. She takes good care still only if needed she opens the mouth else she does her duty of dil. So please go.

 

I think you should go attend the ceremony. Just do your part not for anybody else but for your own good. Atleast your DH wont get a chance to point fingers on you during any petty fights .. Regarding how to behave with MIL, as yellowmango said, behave normally, with respect but be formal at the same time. I am used to behaving this way withy MIL whenever I go to her place..

Keep calm..everything will be fine.

 

By going to the function...you actually win. So go get the trophy

 

{[

drnamshara[teacher mode on]....next time you will come up with the words and we will correct them if needed[teacher mode off].


dear Op.....The advice you are getting is not just advice from dils about an abusive mil.I hope you and some men who visit here realize that this is just advice to a victim to face an abuser.If you can let everyone around know that you will not take abuse lying down and are willing to stand up to her...you will probably end up bettering the lives of your fil and your husband too. Those too have been desensitized to her abuse and want to probably give her the carrot for some short time good behavior ,little realizing that it has not worked for their life time.If she does not get her way with you...maybe she will change for the better. If that happens...it will be good for her too. Fingers crossed.

 

op,

please find it in your heart to show some compassion and magnanimous feeling towards h's family. I feel your situation is very different from the typical dil in this forum. Unlike them the point that you were being abused, and victimized has already been recognized ( within less than an year of marriage!) and dealt with. You have effectively moved out and stopped even the weekend visits. As of now you are not an abused dil. You have won. Your daily life is no longer a living hell. What more do you want?

As a dil, you still have some duties towards your h family which you are being asked to do. so just do them. Asking you to attend a pooja or a death ceremony is not abuse. Dont make a big issue of these very reasonable requests. Why are you still using the mil card again and again to avoid them? When mil issues has been dealt and is no longer a daily issue, then to constantly invoke her would seem, like you are holding a grudge against her. You cant will her out of existence. If you continue like this I think you will end up turning your h against you and go back to square 1. Is that what you really want?

 

Have a song/bhajan/sloka ready and keep chanting it constantly!!

It will keep your mind off the audiovisual replay and also keep you calm.

Better to take a holy book (Vishnu Sahasranama or Bhagavat Gita) than a gadget - it would give her more reason to attack - how can you immerse yourself in a gadget while a serious death ceremony is going on - best is Bhagavat Gita - keep looking into it and keep turning the pages.

Dont have eye contact with her after the first hello ! If she asks you anything directly, answer politely but as minimum as possible.

Do go this time, it is in a public place, you are a bit safe. And you'll earn some points from DH for "trying to forgive"

If you feel that some abuse will start, you will have places to walk away to !! Go to the venue in advance to check and plan of a place where you'll escape to, if the abuse starts.

If its a temple, say I'm going for darshan or pradakshina or prasad! If it is a hall, act like you got a phone call and leave for "better reception of signal"

I would suggest you to HAVE LUNCH (or a sandwich) and go, so that you can walk away if she starts off her dialogues while lunch is going on !!!

But do try and use the period card during the dussera!! Dont go to her house!

Dont say anything right away, be noncommittal if they invite you, - say hmmm ok ok - DH cant accuse you of holding grudges but "get your period" just the morning you both leave home!!!