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Seeking solutions to my problems :(..Please help

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by PeaceAlways, Dec 27, 2011.

  1. PeaceAlways

    PeaceAlways Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Indus Ladies members,

    I am a regular reader of the forum. I have currently facing lot of problems in my life. Please bear with me.

    Problem 1: I am a 25 years old divorcee. Working in USA at the moment. The quest for bridegroom has started again after my divorce. I have been trying to find my life partner for some time now. I have spoken with lot of boys, but I am really scared to take anything forward. After two/three rounds of talks, I become really scared to take the matter further. Because of abuse and emotional suffering in my previous marriage, I am really freaking out to take anything ahead. Does everyone feel this way after getting divorced? I am very lonely too. Friends, parents and relatives have stood beside me like a rock, but there is a void space in my life. I need somebody to call my own.

    Problem 2: Now, I met this person online through matrimonial sites. He’s 34 years old. He is from same place as I am in India. He is a divorcee too. We have lot in common-language, liking, upbringing to name a few. However when asked to speak about his ex, he was really bad mouthing her. I was shocked to hear such words from his mouth. He was very soft spoken with me, but those bad words from his mouth are really scary. It looked like he had no respect for that girl in general. In his defense, the girl had an extra marital affair, so he is angry because he feels betrayed. He also asked me whether I cook every day, whether I wore clothes which were above the knee etc. Such questions irked me. I was pretty vocal about it too. He immediately understood that and made amends and explained that he’s a bad cook and would never be able to cook an edible dish. He hates eating outside; hence he wants his wife to cook every day. He is at a place where there is lot of beaches. He sees women in Bikini all the time. He said that he is not comfortable with his wife wearing such revealing dresses. Based on my input, what can one say about the guy? I never had any boyfriends. One guy I came close to happen to be a monster( my ex ). So I have not much experience in this area. Any pointers here?

    Problem 3: I feel there is large age gap between us. Do you ladies think it will be a problem?

    Problem 4: He is in East Coast and I am in West. He is pretty traditional too. He asked me whether it was okay to meet once. I am more than willing to meet 100 times before getting in to marriage. But if I tell him that I need to meet more, I am scared that he might think I am too ultra-modern. Because of the distance factor, I am not sure if it is feasible to meet often. Any solution to this problem?

    Problem 5: My brother is getting married in 2 months. My parents are wishing ( not pressurizing ) that I should also get married during the same time. While I fantasize that scenario where I get married during the same time and shut every one's mouth, I am really skeptical in getting in to marriage that hurriedly. I am totally confused :(

    Please help me. I cannot talk about this to anyone right now except you people.
     
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  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Do not rush in just becauseyour parents can marry you off at the same time as your brothers wedding..this is no race.

    Do not feel intimidated or scared to ask questions or put down your foot on certain things...before you really say yes tot his guy.

    If you are scaredto speak your mind now, you will live that way forever incase if you get married to this guy.

    Take the details of his EX too....do a background check...Yes that is a big age gap..and my personal suggestion is...doesnt matter how nasty his EX was...do a background check on this guy....and also if possible talk to his EX.

    He seems to be very particular about certain things when he asked about cooking/dressing etc....so be careful about what you are committing towith such guys...if you think he is conservative n traditional...accept only if you are that conservative or traditional and ifyou have never really wore such dresses or had no problem with cooking n cleaning what so ever till date....
     
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  3. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Whatever be his justification, this shows what he is capable of when he loses his temper.

    Did you ask him if he will help his future wife in everyday cooking? You should if you want to know if he will treat you equal in this relationship.

    About dress: Again, you should make sure he knows what is comfortable for you and what is not. You both should know each others comfortable zones. The idea here is to analyze whether you both are fine with each other's comfort zones rather than whether either of you can adjust your zone to live within the others comfort zone.

    9 yrs of gap - to each their own.. think twice before you decide though.

    It is always better to meet more than a few times to decide. There is nothing untraditional or ultra modern in getting to know your potential groom. If you are this scared to speak you mind even before marriage.. fear not about losing the alliance. Do not rush in, take your time to figure him out.

    You are right in your cofusion. Pay heed to your inner instinct, haste is waste. Good Luck!
     
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  4. fencesitter

    fencesitter Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes bad mouthing is bad but sometimes betrayal can never be forgiven by many. He seems to quite conservative and if you are not, then many issues will pop. I personally do not prefer huge age gap. This proposal does not really look that exiting.May be you need more time to come out of your bad marriage memories.i think, you are young and should take things slowly.
     
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  5. hobbes83

    hobbes83 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Peacealways

    Do a background check, but I don't see the need to talk to his ex or find out more about her through him. He will obviously say she's the nastiest person on earth and she on the other hand, will discourage you from considering this guy. Finding out from neutral sources can help, if not just trust your instinct when he says his ex was the reason for his failed marriage.

    The age gap is indeed high. Him being concerned about the cooking and your dressing might play a part in the age difference.
     
  6. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    not everyone bad mouths their EX. however during this bad mouthing saga....from both parties...it will help tounderstand where the actual disconnect was ..(though some Exes do not want to talk......and if we cannot reach out to Ex..thats ok...but seriously..these days...I would surely suggest talking to EX)

    If people are saying parents parents n parents...thats the first sign pls..avoid the alliance :)...obsession has no cure!!
     
  7. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Peacealways, After reading your entire post, I feel right now you need to get some counselling to perk yourself up. I feel the divorce and your ex may have taken a toll on you.25 is not that great of an age. Dont pressurise yourself for marriage. It will only make you more confused and less clear when making this big decision.Enroll yourself into some hobby classes . You need some boosting up and less of marriage pressure.

    About the person you met online. Instinctively he sounds like a very bad choice. He has only big negative points pointing out. Bad mouthing his ex maybe something he shud have reserved for later rather than this sooner.Bad words from the onset is another negative point shooting at you.He wants home made food but cant cook anything. But he wants his wife to do all his home made food cooking effort. Its pressure even before you discussed marriage.This shud tell you how the health of marriage will be in case you chose him. He will want some things for which u will slave becoz his highness doesnt know how to do it.Asking you about whether you wear clothes above knee is the last straw. He is setting his rules for his wife's wardrobe.No married women will walk around in a mall in swimsuit. That doesnt mean you shud lose your freedom to wear anything you want if its above knee.A woman married shud not lose her own personality to become a wife. She should mould herself to be a wife. Not be somebody's slave. Here the woman who marries him will be one. He doesnt like outside food so she has to slave in front of the stove. He doesnt like her wearing anything above knee so she shud cover herself. No wonder his ex left.He shudnt be bad mouthing her. But she shud be doing it about him.She must have felt claustrophobic in this relationship.

    I do feel you can gladly drop him to maintain your own sanity in future. He is not a good choice. Chances are he will be making you choiceless in all regards day after day. Never mind the fact you will be paying for all the sins his ex did.

    You can try to get some counselling . Develop some hobbies of your own. Interact with people for joy or things you have in common. 25 is still young. Live a little before you jump into marriage.As far as this guy he has a red light of no entry shining all over him. Dont move on him to regret later. He is a bad choice thru and thru.

    Dont let the 2 months be a pressure point. Its still less time. Look for other matches. You will learn as you interact with more people. Then you will know looking at profiles or their responses which one has a green light and which one isnt. Good Luck.
     
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  8. tinku

    tinku Silver IL'ite

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    Halo Dear,

    Dont be scared of beginning a new relationship. Do you think all ladies who are living a married life dont have any relationship issues at the moment? So just get convinced that everyone faces relationship issues, the degree being different for different people.

    And coming to the matter, you have to meet the person atleaast a few times before you proceed to make a decision. So just by meeting you cant say that you will get married to that person. You are only going to meet him to understand something about him. If you think he's ok, you can proceed, else drop it and search some other. So why do you hesitate to meet him?

    Meeting doent demand that you will have to marry him. So go and meet him first. If you feel ok, meet him a few times to make a decision.

    Be brave. Face life boldly and as it comes. All the best.

    Regards,
    Tinku
     
  9. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Why not lay down your own set of rules like he must help you around in the housework, not watch bikini -babes or women wearing short dresses !
    If one says you will HAVE to cook then its irritating.Say you need to chill out , go shopping and eat out once a week. And he has to do the dishes daily.
    See his reaction.:thumbsup
    It sounds very controlling , if you complain later then he will say I already told you so.It might be a good idea to cool it for sometime.
    You must do a background check , since you both belong to the same area it will be easy to find out.
    He could be paying alimony, childcare if he has kids.
    One cannot trust on-line people.
    You will have to relocate , think about it.
    Dont bother about family , its your life , you have to live it, not them.
    Take your time.
     
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  10. raji2678

    raji2678 Gold IL'ite

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    Stay away from this guy. I see a lot of red flags! There are many girls getting married in their late twenties. You are quite young. Meet different people and make friends. All the best.
     
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