Seeking Help On A Lifetime Decision

Does he trust you completely? If you feel so and really want to get into relationship with him, I would suggest to give it some more time and not rush into it with him right now. Definitely don't get intimate with him. I suggest to take it slow and meet/talk for 4-5 months more to know him and his nature more and also to spend time around his kid.

And don't worry about the age. I am getting close to mid-30's and haven't been married once till now and have given up completely on marriage. Am not asking you to do the same, but what I mean is don't rush in just because of the age or 2nd marriage. With the last guy I talked to even I felt like he was completely ready to marry me and trusted me more than anyone. Still I thought of taking it slow and talking for few months before we decide. We talked for 6 months and during 5th month, I noticed his true colors and he realized him trusting and caring was just a show off. We were about to finalize my marriage with him and he changed completely and I had to call if off, so please be careful.

 

I think you are not that matured for your age and the type of problem that you have faced in the past to handle this matter carefully.
You are too emotional than practical; hence it may affect your decisions seriously.

First of all, for any parent their child comes first. And that is natural.
If you ask me, I would tell the same too. Even my H would tell the same.
Though we have been happily married for a decade, and it was a love marriage... but when it comes to kids, they become our priority and everything in life. Period.
Does that mean we don't love each other? NO
Does that mean we don't have the spark on each other? No
To be honest, my life has improved only after the second kid, and I've started loving and accepting my H more only during the last 5 years. Same for him too.

After a point, love is not about intimacy or the cuddles and hugs we share. It is more about the affection and relationship.

If you worry about a father's natural love for his 5 yr old dependent child (who is without her mom), then it is clear that you are not completely ready for this commitment.
It is evident from your post itself that you can't accept this child as your own, rather down the line your immaturity or emotions or insecurity or whatever would only treat this child as your enemy or threat. Hence it will never improve your relationship.
At this juncture neither of this man, nor this child can accept you or prioritize you.

To be honest with you, it is important that you must accept this child first, and allow her to accept you wholeheartedly. It is a long process and a matter of behavioral changes, which includes the child to be with her dad as much as she can, and slowly enter into their relationship as they accept you.

But for a woman who yearns for a newly wedded life, with all its sparks...I don't think it is even imaginable that this kid may sleep in the same bed as you for sometimes till you get the desired privacy?
This kid may hate you or refuse to see you in her mother's place
Your would be husband wouldn't want to break his tiny daughter's mind; hence he may at least pretend to keep a distance with you before the kid.
It takes a lot of time to neutralize. Do you have the patience for it?

As someone said, it is true that there will always be problems with his ex, her parents, property etc.

Down the line, this man might end up showing more attention and care on his first DD, than the ones you give birth.
It is in a way obvious some fathers love their first born daughters more than any other kids. But here if the kid comes from another mother, it might offend you.

There is nothing wrong in marrying a divorce with a kid. But you need to accept the ground reality first.
There are divorcees who leave everything about their first marriage and be ready for the second life. They don't even care about their own kids, but be the romantic heros to their second wives. If I were you, I won't trust them.
But it is all about what you want. Make a wise choice

 

Hi @Barupavi ,

I just read your original post and wanted to give you piece of advise.

I was similar situation but on the other side.

I was divorced with 7 yrs old girl when my husband married me. He was never married, we know each other since childhood, he belongs to affluent family, dad in good job, he could have married any girl in the city but he chose to father my child. He chose to marry in a small room, spent few thousands on wedding in a small room instead of grand farm house wedding sponsored by bride side (if he had married any other girl), he convinced his parents. We didnt go to honeymoon, we have very limited intimacy just like any couple with child...he never complains. He can be rude to be me but never ever to our child.
Even if I point out that I am not able to prioritize him, he says even his priority is this child since he accepted as his. As a parent we should nurture child and partner should understand this. He married me seeing child without father.
The kind of confidence I got in him is immense. Now I fight with him to talk to me instead to her. And both of them just shoo me away. Sometimes I forget that she wasnt born out of him. In few days of marriage he told me not to even mention to him as well that she wasnt born to him.

So my point is if you are feeling that you will not be his priority and all. Please stay away from this relationship. Coz its you who will mess up this family. As a single parent with child, he will always have insecurity about the child. If you dont have big heart to see him prioritizing the child, please dont for this relationship.

One more thing. Please please see whatever he is telling about his wife is true or not before proceeding with this relationship further.

 

Dear Omnam

Hope you remember me. I am so glad that you were able to settle in life with happiness with a lovely life partner. So happy for you dear.

As you have rightly pointed out, I too stress with the OP not to marry this man, as I am afraid about the future of his little girl.
OP is not ready or not matured enough to accept a child in her life. Until then, it is better she focuses on single or divorcees without kids

 

Dear Omnam

Hope you remember me. I am so glad that you were able to settle in life with happiness with a lovely life partner. So happy for you dear.

As you have rightly pointed out, I too stress with the OP not to marry this man, as I am afraid about the future of his little girl.
OP is not ready or not matured enough to accept a child in her life. Until then, it is better she focuses on single or divorcees without kids

 

@omnam . Is it possible to you to start a thread updating your new life . I haven't gone through any of your old posts if it exists. But I feel your new happy life will give positive energy to those in IL who thinks life ends after divorce. Happy to know that you are doing well. Wishing you and your family all the best

@Barupavi, like omnam said, if you decide to proceed, please do an independent background check on him and his divorce reasons. Dont believe anyone blindly, even him. If you have any self doubt, it is good for everyone not to proceed. Good luck

 

There is only one life and you have to make the right decision so that you can live with it.

We all make choices in life which leads to consequences good or bad. Career is a good 1st step.

Here are my thoughts -

“... exact reason behind his divorce”, according to him. Right? To get an objective view, you must know both sides.

You write, “he prayed to shave his head once I get fine”. Did he shave his head?

“ … he is my destiny and he is the one sent for me.” Not sure if you are attracted to him; but you sure want to settle down and you are convincing yourself that he is your destiny ….

“I was ready to be mother of that child” – remember, she has a mother and you can’t replace her mother. You can take on motherly supportive role.

“I am a person of low expectations” – expectations change over the course of time. Children are expensive, what effect will it have on his finances? especially, if you have your own child with him. Remember, you started out as friends; but, now your feelings are more than friendship. You write that you hugged and kissed and you permitted. It takes two to Tango. You have full control on what you want or don’t want to do. Before you are sure of your future with him, you permitted yourself to advance your relationship with him. That wasn’t a smart thing to do.

“I never regretted”; yet, you are hurt that you missed to know that you are only secondary to him after his child. Would you consider this a regret? If this were your child and the child came first would you have felt secondary? Be true to yourself; if your answer is "No", then you are not ready to love this child. Do not bring children into the world, if they are not the priority. To be honest, my hats off to him and he is mature enough to recognize that.

I already see regrets in you, when you write “he has brought me into his life but didn’t give me that place.”

“his EX’ parents are so cunning that they want to loot his properties that they will even murder him” – this complicates the “low expectation”

“he says that he will be entirely focusing on his child’s welfare and he will not be able to concentrate on me.” It is a clear indication; please let go of him. Your parents know the complications and heart break this relation will bring you as you are not ready for this. Finding someone is not easy and now that you have found him, you don't want to let him go and you are trying to justify with your destiny.

You are very young, you will come across a person with no strings attached and you will be happier. Give yourself time and focus on your career; otherwise you may lose what you have. You have indicated that you are unable to concentrate in your daily routine and make a lot of mistakes at your job.

You also wrote “He is a very average person and he never dreamed of a life with me but he respects me and like me.” You are talking yourself into settling with this guy. Don’t do it. This may lead to a miserable situation for all.

You are not stuck. You chose to be stuck. You had a life before you met him and you will have one long after this. Get involved in the community. Take on a cause where you can make a difference in the society. Make your life meaningful and in the process you will find some one who deserves you. Become a big sister?