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Seeking Help On A Lifetime Decision

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by Barupavi, Jul 28, 2018.

  1. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Can someone who is looking to remarry comment for OP.
    Its tough to find a guy for second marriage. If you dont see anything negative in him, then you need to get the knot tied.
    Getting the custody of the child seems to be a good enough reason to predict his nature. If he had fought for his child, then its a good sign.
    In most marriages kids and work take precedence over spouse. Cant help it. But it doesnt mean that spouse is ignored. Building a kids future and saving money by working hard are selfless sacrifies which are made.
    http://indusladies.com/community/threads/any-woman-out-here-in-their-30s-and-still-single.306835/
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2018
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  2. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    Be careful about what you are walking into:
    He has a five year old daughter, so his ex is bound to be in picture when it comes to schools, holidays,festivals etc.
    Also since the kid is five years old there are bound to be some adjustment issues. Plus he is ready to back off when there is a slightest hint of problem. I understand when he says daughter will be his first priority, but if he wants you in life he should also work for bonding between his daughter and you. That can't be your sole responsibility.

    Don't settle on this saying this is your second relationship etc.
     
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  3. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Maybe I'm wrong but he is willing to let u go so easily . I will suggest u don't get intimate with him , as he is not desperate to marry u and he is ready to let u go.
    Just maintain ur distance and give him time and space to decide . He has to give u minimum assutance that he will try his best to balance both the relationships .U are young and nowadays women getting married 1st time in thirties .

    But to look at it differently , Maybe he just wants the reassurance that u will not neglect his daughter .U should also take time to think if u can accept his daughter as ur own even if she never accept u .Maintain distance to think with a clarity of mind whether this is what u want or just settling for and resent later .

    Because later if u can't do justice to the child, it's unfair on the child too . There is hope that when he sees u being an excellent & selfless mother to his kid, he will also realise ur nature and give u love and priority over time . Afterall it will take some years & lot of sacrifices to become important in someone's life . Hope u have the patience .
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2018
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  4. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, take a break from this relationship for a while. It will time to both of you to decide what both of you want.

    You need to ask yourself lot of questions. Will you be able to love his kid like a mother. If you have a kid with him in future will your treatment change ( we hear a lot of stories about step moms). If not it will be unfair to the child. It is not an easy task. If you cannot better dont enter into this marriage. May be he wants to assure that you treat his daughter very well. He is a responsible father. That's a good sign. Can he be a responsible husband to you and a father to your future kids ?

    Your parents have every reasons to oppose this relation because they have lot of life experience. They don't want their daughter to suffer again and for life long.

    If you give him the impression that you are desperately looking for a man in your life, he wont take you seriously. You are a working woman and your are young. Many women get married in their thirties. Take your own time to decide about your future. Let your parents help you. There are many ways to find a groom..

    It is not good to encourage anyone to have any physical intimacy (hug/kiss or whatever) if you are not in a marriage ( I cannot respect any man who advance this way . You should have the courage to tell , only after marriage. you guys are not yet engaged too) . There are man who think divorced woman is an easy prey or they are desperate for intimacy. They try to use those for their physical/emotinal needs. Don't fall into that crap and think it is love. Please stay away from any intimacy ( it will trap you again) till you decide anything. This may be some infatuation or the fear that you don't get another man in your life.

    Give some time. Then ask him all the questions you have your mind. (what will your role , what you/ he expect in this marriage, what about future kids, his daughter will inherit his property, what about your kids. so many questions..... each and every one you have to ask. and get an assurance from him . only then proceed). Don't chase him. Let him come to you and propose to you. If he serious, he will I believe.

    If you have any self-doubt (i think you have ) ... believe in your instinct and let this man go. Move away from his vicinity. You have only one life. Think well and decide.
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2018
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  5. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I totally agree with u . He is ready to let go of OP so easily nor is he trying much for marriage. I feel he was not correct to get intimate with her without marriage. Who knows, there are some men who will try to take advantage of vulnerable divorced women but not keen on marriage .
    OP should maintain distance from him .
    Let him be clear what he wants . He can't even give basic assurance that he is keen for this marriage and will try best to balance his child and her.

    @op sorry to offend or hurt u by doubting his intentions .I could be wrong . Please take this caution as coming from a sister.
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2018
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  6. Barupavi

    Barupavi Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear YoGirl
    Felt like one of my family member stands beside and talk for me.Thank you so much.And yes the reason you quoted here was which made me give him a place.Will get back to you:blush:
     
  7. Barupavi

    Barupavi Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear blackbeauty
    Definitely will travel through years before coming to a conclusion.Thank you.It meant a lot to me:blush:
     
  8. Barupavi

    Barupavi Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes it's very true and I have thought to myself not to enter his life unless I am able to love the kid.Moreover it's me entering her father's life,I wont take her space away from her.
    Hoping for that only I am giving a serious thought for this relation.
    Never ever Nakshatra..really not..I wont feel bad even if you scold me..I always respect people who cares me..but to add..the intimacy part was my fault..I must not have allowed that.but I permitted thinking he was my love..anyways its absolutely wrong.:disappointed:


    Thank you so much for your inputs.:blush:
     
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  9. Barupavi

    Barupavi Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes I totally agree with you.I am not supporting myself here..but just telling you that I allowed it hoping he is my life and this fault is on me entirely because a guy will always be like that..I must have had that strictness..Even am not such a liberal character..Its obviously my fault.
    Yes will wait for that moment or will face the reality
    Thank you so much for investing your time.That meant a lot to me:blush:
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2018
  10. Barupavi

    Barupavi Bronze IL'ite

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    @all
    Am happy for having this virtual family which gives me all the possible support.Thank you all:blush:
     

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