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Seeking Help On A Lifetime Decision

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by Barupavi, Jul 28, 2018.

  1. Barupavi

    Barupavi Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear ILites


    Hope you all are doing well.I am here back in a chaotic mode not able to come to a conclusion.Few months back I thought that I will be posting in IL about getting back my life.But now am back here trying to put me at least in a comfortable mode.I cant even concentrate well to write this post.However I will gather my concentration and make my story small.Have patience while listening to me ILites.

    As I have already posted my past life here I am a 29 year old divorcee and it has been 4 years I got divorced.The problem is that he was a narcissist and he abused me physically.Now I have forgotten all the things that happened in my life and put myself into my career.But God had had more plans for me.

    Here goes my story.

    My workplace has only four members and one of them happened to be a guy and he is 37.I am quite reserved and even bit orthodox .As we had to spend much time together we came to know each other,I felt much comfortable with him owing to his well behaved approach towards woman his jovial talks and well he was introduced as a married person to me which gave me extra courage to spend time with him.But we were true friends nothing more than that. As he stayed alone he used to chat with me simply over things happened in office,general topics,childhood memories. I won’t speak of my personal neither he will talk.At a point of time he told me that he is in verge of separation even then I didn’t tell him of my past.I literally prayed for his life to be in right track.

    After few days I too shared my story telling believing him.Few days later he proposed me but I didn't accept telling him that his life will be fine.But after knowing the exact reason behind his divorce that was due to the extra marital affair of his wife I was ready by mind to accept.

    But I dint tell him.Most importantly he has a girl child of 5years. After making a lot of inquiries about his child and all family issues I felt that he is my destiny and he is the one sent for me.True to my heart I was ready to be mother of that child.

    I made my story this big to make you all understand that I did not choose him desperate for a relation or am not even a girl who talks to guys very easily.I believed that these all happened with him as he was my destiny.He too felt the same.

    Now my problems are here

    (i)Though I knew there will be compromises in this relation like he will not be available to me all the time or lack of some intimacies,I never regretted that because I am a person of low expectations and I will be able to handle things easily.

    But the truth which hurts me now is that I missed to know that I am only secondary to him after his child and he likes me, loves me but am not that important to him as he is to me.He is much bound to his child that is correct but he has brought me into his life but didn’t give me that place.

    (ii)If my parents have accepted for this there would be no mess I would have bore the above said truth and carried on. But they are strongly opposing and they are right from their side.When I told them, they straight away rejected the proposal as he has a child and this life will definitely bring problems.Moreover I met with an accident and got my skull injured badly when I traveled with him in bike as I missed my daily vehicle.But he prayed to shave his head once I get fine.They also think he is not matured to his age.But he is very matured but he is very jovial and talkative.I don’t have any strong reasons for him to oppose my parents.

    (iii)And now he brings forth a new problem .I knew his ex is regularly contacting their child over phone and she will be with her mom during weekends.But now his EX’ parents are so cunning that they want to loot his properties that they will even murder him.He will never give away his child’s custody and I never want him to do that. But he says that he will be entirely focusing on his child’s welfare and he will not be able to concentrate on me.So he is not sure whether he wants this relation and he will go away if I want him to do so.Inspite of the intimacies we shared he told this.Intimacies not exactly but yes we hugged kissed few time and I permitted it hoping that he will be my life.To be true he is not a zero fault person.

    He is a very average person and he never dreamed of a life with me but he respects me and like me.

    I am stuck as I cant move materialistically searching for another life as it is already my second life and I don’t wanna cheat any one. I thought to be single and adopt a child but i am not that strong woman.I knew I will be fed up.

    I do not know how these problems look to you all but I cant even concentrate in my daily routine .I make a lot of mistakes in my job and I feel bad for letting myself free.When I had failure in my first life I was courageous but now am a sinner.At times I feel like killing myself.

    I thought of consulting a psychiatrist to get my problems solved but hoping that IL with wisdom ful ladies will definitely help me solve my life problems.Really gonna decide based on all your inputs.Suggest me please.Thank you all in advance.
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2018
    sneha1985 likes this.
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  2. Barupavi

    Barupavi Bronze IL'ite

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    sorry first i posted only a part wrongly that earned 40 views sorry please read this version
     
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    But he says that he will be entirely focusing on his child’s welfare and he will not be able to concentrate on me.So he is not sure whether he wants this relation and he will go away if I want him to do so

    I
    s this acceptable to you.
    Can you live as a no body or always second in his life?
    I think you will end up being resentful.

    You deserve better.
    It is unfair to you, to his child and at some level,even to him.

    Let this guy go....?he does not need you.
    You look for someone who needs you and wants you.
     
    mimi77, bron, Laks09 and 5 others like this.
  4. Barupavi

    Barupavi Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear yellow mango
    Thankyou for your reply and I was actually expecting your reply.I knew this is not a wise decision but as I told ealrlier its already my second life,I cant move on searching for a 3rd life.Even if I do so it will have guilty feeling and I cannot be truthful to another person.
    When he talked to me initially he told me that he was sure that he needs a life but now the problems surrounding him make him concentrate on his child and I am sure I am only after his child.But I couldnot think of another life.Moreover I dont have enough courage to believe an unknown person.That is my problem.
     
    iman likes this.
  5. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP, you have two kind of problems

    one is what if you will not marry to him?
    And another one is what if you marry to him?

    Problem 1: you will be living alone as you were doing before meeting him. Will face the question from various persons about your life that almost every person at every situation has to do. And will get the insecurities and can get depressed of living alone. Or many times in IL it had been discussed on how to improve the quality of life by adapting some hobby yoga meditation etc. You just have to work on your mind how you want to take it.

    Problem 2: you will have a husband who will spend some quality time with you when he will be depressed or happy. At other times he will be struggling with the adjustment with his child and fixing the mom child appointment. Also if you will have your own child what that child will get. Not a normal life that other normal children live. All this can also be cured but for this you will have to deal with yourself and him and his daughter and your child.

    There is no first second or third life there is just one life to live. You can better decide what will make your life happier and remember this is only your life.
     
  6. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    In general, office romance may not end well. You were confused between his professional ethics and personal life. Now, you come to know the reality of this marriage and having the second thoughts.

    Don't fall into the known trap. It would be good idea, to let it go. I am sure, you are still young and there will a chance to meet a better person.

    You never want to be a secondary or a third wheel of someone's life. As he clearly described, he is happy with his life, the way it is now.

    In general, a girl child is very manipulative and try to push away the step mom. Can you imagine, how that 5-year old will behave, once she figured it out, how his dad treats you? Guess, who will be leaving the marriage more depressed?
     
  7. Barupavi

    Barupavi Bronze IL'ite

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    I am completely dumbstruck that I cant face the reality that I have ended making a wrong decision.Thank you for your thoughtful replies.:blush:
     
    iman and messedup like this.
  8. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    He loves you. You cannot compare the love towards a dependent child to that of a spouse. Think of yourself in that position. If you had a child whom you are responsible for, won't you prioritise the child over your partner in spite of your love for your partner? In a relationship love is rarely balanced. One person will love the other more. You can only accept it and move ahead.

    If I were in your position, I would try to build a rapport with his child. You were planning to adopt a child as a single woman. Why not this child. Build a rapport so that when he is busy parenting, you will also be part of the family. It won't be easy. But be genuine and persistent.

    Fix physical intimacy issues. Take counselling and work out your issues. Since your partner loves/likes and respects you, he might try this much. Is there hope for your progeny in this relation? This question will be a big deciding factor for me.
     
    Laks09, Barupavi and BhumiBabe like this.
  9. BerryPine

    BerryPine Gold IL'ite

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    Let him go...
     
    bron and Barupavi like this.
  10. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Bronze IL'ite

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    Have u already made the decision and have u married this guy already ?
     

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