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Seeking help for few issues in married life.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by klniha, Jan 13, 2012.

  1. klniha

    klniha Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am married for 2 and half yrs now with a 1yr old son. None of the close ones in my family had MIL so I never got to know how it is to gel with in law family. These are just my thoughts and I want you all to give me your opinion. The first year of mge was gone in fights on account of MIL etc. But there are few issues in my married life, they mite be minor ones to most of you but I sometimes dont know how to react to these. I dont have anyone to ask.

    1. My husband is not very outgoing, he never initiates a conversation or calls someone except his family, on account of this we have very few friends, I feel bad that we dont have any family friends or someone with whom we can plan a trip or share time once in a while. I am friendly, he doesnt stop me when I invite friends etc but he somehow (even though he tries) cant mingle that freely and we end up with ppl not being comfy with us.

    2.My DH has few temper issues, he is the typical conservative thinking kinds, when he doesnt like something, he expresses his dislike out even if its my parents or his or my sibling or his or even in the shops. And they are not those 'major' issues where its not right if he is silent.

    3. As I told previously, he is not that free person, so doesnt initiate a conversation with my parents or siblings or call them, its always my family that calls him (now they too reduced as there is nothing to talk!) when they call he does answer them politely but does maintain a conversation. I want him to call them and wish them atleast on their bdays but he wants me to call and then wud wish them. How do I take this? I feel I shud also not call his parents or wish them by calling them myself. I dont know if this attitude is correct. How is it in your life?

    4.He gives too much importance to anything said by his parents, like if they ask pictures he reminds me everyday till I send them. He does what they want him to do, that is being a good son but I am carefree type and I dont do everything that my parents say promptly.

    5. My MIL and I had problems in the past. She speaks very well with me but I only think its acting she doesnt really like me. Should I forget the past and be ok with her? When my DH finds fault with my parents, I always say.. "I have been through a lotttttt more from your mom and for these lil things you are complaining" He says "Well I agree my mom was wrong but dont say your parents are perfect" Its only on account of his conservative thinking he thinks my parents are wrong otherwise any modern person wudnt have a problem. How do I deal with these?
    He is otherwise a very good father and husband. But these issues pull me down and I have no idea how Im dealing with them right now is correct or not. So please share your experiences like how you would guide your sister. I just hope they taught all these human relation dealings in college!!!

    Thank you everyone.
     
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  2. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    You should be yourself and not worry constantly about his attitude. You maintain good circle of friends and convince dh you kid also need socialising. He will change slowly. If not you keep doing what you like to do.

    You should make peace with your past. Don't bring past events and spoil present. Just be nice to all and learn ignoring negative attitude of other people (especially in laws). Donot react if you are living seperate. Your problems are very common and eventually they will go down. GL
     
  3. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    However busy or irritated with life you are, dont forget your friends. This attitude of "you hate my mother, so I will hate yours too" is very common in husbands who are (sorry to say, spineless). It is a passive aggressive way taken by men to feel better about themselves. My husband too, doesnt wait for a chance to comment on my family (he feels good that way) whereas he is touchy about his family. What I did I never tell him anything about my family. Withhold any information from him. I never speak about anybody from my side to my husband because.
    1. He doesnt care
    2. If he is interested, it is just for extracting some info which is to be used later against me.
    If he is category 1. Forget it and you carry on with life. If he is category 2. Withhold all info and also avoid talking deeply about anyone. Just say they are doing good and fine. After sometime, he will get an idea.
     
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  4. sweetdoll

    sweetdoll New IL'ite

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    hey
    read through your post i could relate my situation to yours..i wonder if all men are alike?? when they respect for their parents and show concern towards them if we do the same they dont like it??how mean?? my husband is the only son i mean no sibblings and i feel sometimes i feel my mil is more insecure towards him....if i converse with my dh immediately she interrupts as though she has to talk the matter immediately...:spin i sometimes get pissed off..upon that my dh behaves least bother about but at same time he keeps telling my parents will not feel comfortable and all...

    looking for few suggestions and ideas from ladies so that i can manage things as smooth as possible:thumbsup
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 16, 2012
  5. riyagan

    riyagan Gold IL'ite

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    on a very lighter sense...husband is a clay material :coffee...they are sculpted by their moms in their early life which is what they are when they get married :bowdown after that its wife's job to put some water in the clay doll and disfigure the undesirable characters and habits and make a new desirable one :bonk
     
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  6. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    From your post, it gives me an impression that you both have not understood each other in great depth. Still a lot of yours and mine going on between the two of you even after you have a family of your own. After the marriage, both spouses life change a little. Your spouse and children become your family for both of you but not to the exclusion of the parents of those spouses. You both need to identify yourself with your own family first before you identify with your respective parents.

    My humble suggestion would be to be a role model for him by first being what you expect him to do. You can start doing everything he wants you to do for his mom and tell him that you do it out of your love for him. When you ask him to do something to your family and if he refuses or reluctant, you ask him with a smile, "don't you love me as much as I love you?" This question would make him think twice before saying no to your request.

    The married life is not about negotiating you do this for me and I do this for you but it is all about caring for each other. The actions should be because of unconditional love for each other. When each person makes a sacrifice, they should do without expecting anything in return. Even if one person does not understand this principle, the life would be difficult. Both spouses should be able to approach each other without any concern about what other person is going to think. If each spouse think for the welfare of the other before they think about their own welfare, the relationship between the spouses would flourish. Asking a spouse to choose between his/her parents and the spouse is like asking your own child to choose between father and mother.

    Both parents are important to the children and similarly, to a married couple both their parents are equally important. If they need help, both need to be helped. Both need to be respected by the couple. There should not be any discrimination between the two sets of parents.

    I humbly suggest you both need to be open with each other and instead of complaining about parents, please ask each other what is the best way to handle a situation. If the spouses respect each other, they won't insult each others parents.

    Viswa
     
  7. klniha

    klniha Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you so much. But if it's not too much to ask got, can you pls provide suggestion point wise to what I mentioned. Thanks again.

    Request others also to try give me suggestions point wise. Sorry, I know I'm asking too much.
     
  8. raji2678

    raji2678 Gold IL'ite

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    That is his basic nature. As long as he is a good person, ignore these small things. Try to cultivate a good relationship with your mil and others.
     
  9. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Apparently, he won't be without any friends all his life. Why don't you talk to him about his friends first with him and try and invite them home to make him feel comfortable in a known environment and setting. Then, try to mix them with other friends of yours so that he would familiarize himself with other friends as well.

    If he is conservative, his mind needs to change over a period of time and it takes time. I know it is always hard to build the relationship back if the husband is a bad temper person and tells his mind. This issue requires some training for him so that he could focus on his own family business not others. If you have the patience, you can slowly talk to him not to mind those issues. It could be inheritance of habits from his parents as well. You are the best judge for this situation as I could not respond based on one paragraph of information. If you do not have patience, you need to ask him to seek external help to improve his temper as well as to move quickly with his new friends.

    Please do not take it that personally. Don't react that I would do this if you don't do it to my parents. Each one of you are wired differently. Some husbands always expect wife to talk first with their parents before they talk with them. It is possible that he does not remember the birthdays of your family members. It is very common. That is not necessarily disrespect to your parents. You have to tell your parents that he would like to speak with them to make your parents happy to begin with until such time he develops his love for your parents and initiates call on his own.

    This appears to be your problem and you can't blame him for being nice to his parents. He is not preventing you to do things quickly to your parents either. As admitted by you, you need to learn to meet your parents expectations quickly. That builds a great bond with your parents.

    You are smart in identifying your husbands problem by telling that he is a person of conservative nature and hence he behaves in a particular manner. Otherwise, you have admitted that he is a good father and a good husband. Why do you make these trivial issues affect your mind? Please do not carry an impression that your MIL is acting unless you have a good reason to believe so. She might be trying to make you and her son happy. Moreover, she might want to be close to her grand son and might have figured out that the only way she could get to see her grandson is by being closer to you. Take people on their face value unless you have clear reason to suspect their motive. Even then, in order to lead a peaceful life with your husband, you have to make some sacrifice and build relationship with your MIL. Regarding your husband's attitude towards your parents, he is not right. I suspect he is trying to cover up some of his mom's mistakes which he realizes are wrong by stating that your parents are not good either. That is not a right attitude. He needs to talk to his mom about her problems freely so that your over all problems can be resolved. A good husband would do just that and not complain about his wife's parents to settle score.

    Viswa
     

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