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Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Desimommy, Sep 10, 2018.

  1. Desimommy

    Desimommy Senior IL'ite

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    You are absolutely right. I am being way too emotional. And yes I agree my reaction was a bit out of proportion. Guess I am tired of being a ying-yang situation. You know what - your question got me thinking? Why I am being so overly reactive to this situation of DH calling me by an accident where in true sense it was a call for my MIL. Perhaps some background can help?

    1. I have been doing volunteering as I mentioned before. DH never participates in those events. Even if its kid oriented event, where it involves our own kids. Or even school events. He tries to avoid these events as much as possible as he believe I am better of taking the kids and he in the meantime can work on a more useful thing. I respect his decision and never pull him into it cause its his choice. All these years he has never participated; and I see him all of a sudden taking interest now that ILs are here, cause he feels they will connect to these events.
    2. DH calls MIL everyday. Even when they were back in India. I know comparing that with me is evilsome, but I never get a call from him. I do text him once a while, but he doesn't. He is not a social person according to him and I have come to terms with it by now. Every once in a while I wfh- and he'll call them and even though I am around; he doesn't have a courtesy to talk to me directly. There have been occasions he has asked his parents to pass on the message to me.

    I feel kids and I are second priority to him compared to his own parents. Sorry to draw that visual, but that's how I felt when he said that call was a mistake yesterday.
     
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  2. Desimommy

    Desimommy Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks Anahita! I do feel the same way, and that's why I have been a bit upset these past few days. Thank for understanding! Appreciate it.

    I do have an update: I took the courage and talked to DH last night. We stayed up the whole night. I shared all my concerns a) his attentiveness towards me, b) How I miss him being around, c) How I feel that kids and I are second priority to him, d) kitchen issues. Thank you to all those who advised to take a step and talk to him. I know some of you advised not to bring up MIL, but that topic did come up. DH understood my concerns; did not agree to some things ex: like treating me and kids as second priority or he's not paying attention to me. One big success was that he too observed the kitchen issues were becoming chaotic and how it could throw me off especially when I come tired from work. He agreed that he'll mind his own business when it would come to kitchen chores. If MIL comes to him, he'll redirect her to talk to me. He'll keep his opinions to himself or consult me. We'll come back in a weeks time and see how it goes. I believe this one item is definitely a big step in the right direction. He said that he missed me when I was not sleeping in the room, but at the same time wanted to give me space cause he knew my mind was crowded.

    Re: DD- I shared also the comparison of our DD with SIL's DD; and DH is planning to take up with MIL if and when he sees that come up again. He agreed, its not a good thing to say in front of a kid. But also was in dilemma of how to bring it up with MIL.

    I also shared with him that how I felt I want to quit and want to give up this marriage but am torn due to the kids and +vety still left. He agreed to try to make it work. I am hopeful that after tonight's talk things will change a bit. Let's hope for the best. I 'll keep you guys posted.

    After the talk, I slept better, I feel much better. Let's hope the road ahead is +ve. Thanks again for all your feedback and suggestions. I know I have a bit of work to do at my own end, try to be more stern, practical and strong. Which I will definitely try,.
     
  3. Desimommy

    Desimommy Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks for the advise. After reading your post is how I got the courage to take the route of talking to him directly then keeping it all inside. Thanks again.
     
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  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Your emotional reactions for the missed call, and the kitchen drama may seem childish for the viewers. But I know how hurtful and disturbing they can be in a larger picture, given your life is messed up after PILs visit each time.

    It is not about your independence or strong character. It is all about how you chose to handle this issue at this time.

    I have been there, and done that. But not anymore.

    It was during the early marriage days, when I was pregnant with my first kid and there my MIL stood right at my kitchen door, giving confusing orders, which my H heavily supported.
    She would ask me to cook chapatti, then criticize how hard my chapatis are and how his son hated them last night. When I tried to cook Puttu the next day, as I could confidently cook Puttu than chapatti, she would reject. My H would dance as per tunes and say NO to puttu.
    So, this would make me cook chapatti with lack of or no confidence. Since I was newly married, and pregnant I found it too much as I was not a great cook by then.
    So much simple instances like this, which I laugh at times. But back then, I felt horrible and hated my life.
    I was in a higher level position at work, and was very much independent back then. Yet, I missed the courage to stand up for myself at my own home.

    Only much later, I realized that if I don't stand up for myself, no one will do that for me.

    Even now, MIL remains the same. Not sure of H, as I don't allow him to dance as per her tunes anymore.
    She comes and orders certain food for her son, but I reject boldly and tell "no ma, I am planning this and that for my family tonight. If you want, I can cook chapatti for you...
    This makes her back off from her interferences.
    I make my H to eat what is cooked in the table, during such days. If he shows faces or prefers momma's food over mine, then he should also sleep at momma's home that night.
    I mean, he knows the consequences very well.

    But I am a loving and caring wife otherwise. If his momma is not around, I can cook 100 of items just to please him. But that has to happen from my heart, and not on command. That's my point.

    So, my advice for you would be very simple

    If your H wants his mom to kneed dough for chapatti, then convey that to your MIL.
    Say, "Ma, your son wants you to do that, as it seems you can do it better than me"
    And move out of the kitchen and watch some TV program.
    This will definitely make your MIL upset, unless she willingly assist you.
    So, she will have a talk with her son about her age and ailment to make it a point that she can no longer suffer in the kitchen, but needs rest.
    Now, your H will come back to you like a puppet and convey the same to you.
    You reply "As you wish" and go back to your kitchen happily.
    May be you can sign loud or have your headphone plugged in just to show off that you enjoy cooking.
    Now MIL darling will come back to kitchen to disturb you with her advice or service...
    Ask her to back off politely... say "Ma, go go.. your son will scold if he sees you here, you need rest.. go"
    And don't allow her to enter your kitchen.
    Cook what you want, and how you want....
    Tell your H that you can do only so much, as you have your professional matters, and kids to take care of.
    Ask him to appoint a maid, and bear the extra cost, or look for take away food as and when it is needed.
    But don't ever allow MIL to re-enter the kitchen, unless for her own stuff, like cooking for FIL etc...
    Be bold, and more importantly be tactful
     
  5. madeinindia

    madeinindia New IL'ite

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    Desimommy,
    I feel like you have written my lifestory. I have tried every aspect of the advice and emotionally detached from my in-laws just doing duties. But the fact that my husband becomes "theirs" every time they visit really hurts. Sometimes I feel like getting a divorce just so I don't feel inferior. But its stupid...I am trying to learn to love myself and feel my children's and parents and friend's love.
     
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  6. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Haha sensible ! Loved it :blush:
     
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  7. Desimommy

    Desimommy Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you for sharing your story and also adding words of wisdom. I will definitely try along these lines. You sound very much like me. I hold a high position too and doing well for my career; unfortunately feels like I become such a coward when it comes to my own home! I can't manage it well! Wonder how did you start the change?

    As I mentioned in my last post; I talked to DH and the last two days have been quite interesting.

    a. Scaled down drastically on the feet touching. Man, I feel so different. In one of the instance; when I walked in home from work; my MIL stood up and came close to me in anticipation that I will touch her feet. And when I just said good evening she was kind of taken a back and I could sense some bit of discomfort. I knew she was 'expecting it' and may have felt this was one off. Last couple of occasions she has patted on my back. Not sure if that's a gesture of her reminding me. But I am ignoring every bit of. I am very honest person and it some how feels like fishy for doing this deliberately to her. But I am also understand that I need to stand up for myself.

    b. Yesterday I had called the cleaning lady. Also in the evening we had a school event; and I knew we'll be coming in late. Before leaving for work, I asked MIL if she'd be doing 'cooking' cause there is nothing in left overs? I can put daal in pressure cooker if she'd like. She said, no she'll manage and told me not to bother. I told her about the cleaning lady and asked her to wrap up cooking before she comes in so there'd be less mess and house is clean. Fast forward, I come home late in the evening. The sink is full of dishes/ kitchen is messy. She had cooked all sorts of pakora's, fries, papad, besan laddoo. But no main dish. I asked MIL, didn't the cleaning lady clean the house? She said, she came and she let her clean the house first before she got in n the kitchen, cause she prefers to work in a clean kitchen. (Just for the sake of clarity- I clean up kitchen every day before I leave for work irrespective of a cleaning lady coming or not). When DH asked what is there to eat? She said we have pakoras. When DH asked ok what can we take to work? She told DH that let me make the daal. It was 8 pm. I cooked Maggie for the kids, cooked daal and did the dishes. By the time I wrapped up it was almost 11 pm and I had some work from office still left to be done. Slept at 1 am. I was tired to the core. I know some of you'll say I should have not made anything. But I am honestly not like that. I don't want my kids and DH to go without food. We are vegetarians and kids especially have a long day ahead. My biggest challenge in this dilemma is, if I need to do it- I prefer knowing it in advance so I can plan ahead and work according to my schedule. And not depend on someone else. Not knowing what to expect and getting directions is driving me crazy. And no, I did not have a chance to bring it with DH yet.

    Thanks made in india. I feel, we have 1 life and we have the right to live it happily and not by dictated by someone else's terms.
     
  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    @Desimommy
    If I were you, I would have still cooked Daal and made sure kids and H have something to eat when you return home.
    Let the MIL fry what she wants, and bake what she likes at my absence. I would take them as complementary food.
    But won't depend on MIL even after this many examples in the past decade.

    The next time don't take changes. Don't wait for her to give you clear instructions, as she could never do that. Besides, it is your home. No one needs to give you guidance.
    If you want to cook dinner, cook., If you want to make special dishes, make. Period.
    Let MIL do whatever she likes, and don't interfere...
    I know that you guys are not living a hand to mouth type of life where you count every penny on food, and can afford only one dish/food per time. NO
    If you could order food from outside, and pass this hassle to your H if things go crazy like this, then that is fine.
    You don't have to lose your patience for it.
    Since you say that you are vegetarian, and probably don't eat outside and can't leave family without food... then obviously you need to act now.
     
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  9. Desimommy

    Desimommy Senior IL'ite

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    Have done that in the past (that is did according to my schedule) and was blamed that I don't let them do what they want in the kitchen , don't pay heed to their desires (or likes of what they like to eat) and it gives MIL a feeling of not being at home.
     
  10. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    I would tell her, ma please cook before the cleaning lady comes
     

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