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Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Desimommy, Sep 10, 2018.

  1. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Silver IL'ite

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    Applies to all - DIL/MIL/PIL
    If we let go of "expectations", respect each others "boundary/privacy", most of the heartaches can be prevented.
     
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  2. Desimommy

    Desimommy Senior IL'ite

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    Beautiful poem. Read it twice already. Thanks for sharing. I'll probably read it again when I am in a better state of mind. I am probably taking each and every thing very -vely.

    You are right. No one says 'stop, don't enter the kitchen'. Why are you entering the kitchen. Let me help you give you another example for you to help visualize it better. You are about to leave your house for work in the morning. MIL stops you from behind and asks, what do you want me to cook? I say - mummy - the lauki sabzi in the fridge is about get rot; if you get time make kofta as kids like kofta than lauki sabzi. You wrap up the day, reach home and find that instead of the kofta, MIL cooked the regular Dal. It's 7 pm, and kids dinner time is usually 7:30. I find no dough for chapatti; so get ready to knead it in a kneading machine. DH comes in and say- why are you kneading. Let MIL do it as she kneads it better and she will get some exercise and you knead a lot, Mom wants fresh dough. You cook chapatti. I step out and come back after 15 mins and MIL says can you knead it in machine and knead it for tomorrow afternoon so FIL and She can eat in afternoon. I am waiting for you. I can bake chapatti. I knead the dough give it to her. Then you start preparing for Kofta; MIL will say- leave it, I plan to make it tomorrow.

    While it may sound kiddish, but I feel like I am just following orders. Not sure I am seeing all of this with blinders on, but I do appreciate MIL giving us a helping hand but such occasions as mentioned above are pretty frequent. I have spoken to my DH about this before but he's opinion is that he becomes the mediator cause either of us are not good communicators.
    As mentioned earlier, she is sensitive and a sensible girl. She is way attached to me and she cares for me like she is my mom. Trust me sometimes I am surprised how I got blessed with such an angel in my life. When I got a rib fracture, she did not let me move for 1 week. Got me water, my medicines just next to me. She is emotionally attached to me, and that is one reason I try to not share my emotions much with her cause she catches it very quickly. No, I dont want her to deal with the burden, but I also can't fake it in front of her. However hard I try I have a very strong bond with her (fingers crossed)- so much so that if I have to travel for work, she'll get sick just cause I am not around.

    I'll Try. I am a very strong woman. I am self made and I know I can take life challenges with much more strength. Have dealt with much hard challenges, but for some reason this situation has made me too weak. I am trying to bounce back- and I am not finding the strength. Else would have never posted it here. Sorry to bother you all with my situation.
     
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    OK now don't get mad at me, but the saag, dalia, rajma, lauki, kofta are making me hungry. : ) There was another thread where OP ended up making mushroom biryani on demand to people using her place as transit station due to airport proximity. That made me go search for mushroom biryani recipe. Which has become a staple after a lifetime of never buying mushrooms.

    It is a very annoying and frustrating scenario to deal with at the end of a work day, and that too looks it is not occasional. What you have described is typical lack of communication and one party unilaterally changing plans, and the other party has to keep adapting to the changed plans. Your husband's intervention is well-intentioned but not of much use.

    But this problem is also not so dire. You can find ways to fix it. One that I can suggest is that you separate kids' meals from adults' meals. Plan ahead for the week. We have some great threads on meal prep. Plan the week ahead, involve kids. Do the prep work in weekend, and spend an hour 3-4 evenings a week cooking for the kids. They will just have more to choose from - mom's cooking and grandma's cooking.

    Tell him you are glad he tried and really appreciate it, but you need less drama in the evenings. Phrase it so that you are doing it for everyone's benefit. Like, more quality time. Kids will be required to at least try all the food choices etc etc.

    We all go through times when it seems like the world is about to end and nothing is worth it. That too, passes.
     
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  4. alady2018

    alady2018 Bronze IL'ite

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    @Desimommy

    I just came in here to say I totally feel you. I know what it means to see the bond with the husband take a dip when the ILs are here - And I know, in yours case it is not just a dip - no speaking at all can be so painful and hurtful in every way. I know how much one earns for those few words of connection despite how busy our lives can get. And it feels like telling the son: hey, hey, if you know so well how to be a good son - why, why are you not focussing on this marriage ? how can it mean so little to you? The lack of bonding between the spouses can eat one's mind and soul - even if everything else seems to be going along OK.

    I want to give you hugs, my sista. Hang in there till you get out of the -ve funk out of you - before you take any decisions. That's really important - don't come up with a plan right now since you are angry and the plan may not be the best one. Just wait to wade out of this temporary phase - to start working on things constructively.
     
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  5. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Finest Post Winner

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    @Desimommy you really should not apologize about “bothering” everyone with your situation. The only overreaction on your part is thinking about ending the marriage because of a missed call. Besides that I find your reactions pretty normal. The rajma, lauki , daliya mess would drive me insane too. So would the brouhaha over the feet touching.
    Your primary issue right now is lack of communication with your husband. This is making your reaction to your in laws worse as well. Fixing that should be your priority. Pick up the phone and ask your husband out for a lunch date. It is possible the shravan kumar is blissfully unaware of what’s going on.
    I was going to ask you what your magical chapati kneading machine was ( not talking about your MIL :) ) . Please tackle your issues one thing at a time .
     
  6. shravs3

    shravs3 Finest Post Winner

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    :tearsofjoy: One doubt I observed even in some Hindi soaps , why do they refer to him as Shravan kumar ?? :grinning:
     
  7. KrishnaPriya3

    KrishnaPriya3 Silver IL'ite

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  8. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes. What's the kneading machine??
    @Desimommy
     
  9. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, if you dont want to talk to your husband, why dont you text him. Like... "Your parents are very blessed to have you as their son. I wish you too care me the same way and spend time with me . I miss our bonding time and intimacy. Feeling neglected and sad. What should I do for you to make you acknowledge my presence as a wife in your life"
    ( something sweet and short with similar content"). May be he is unaware of your inner turmoil and pain. Your are suffering a lot and I think you are sensitive too. We need to convey our feelings clearly till they understand. Going to a silent mode will not help you in any way. So talk whenever you feel like talking. When he talk with parents or stay with them before doing to sleep, just join there till they go to bed room. Do this and see how its going..even if he ask you to go to sleep tell him I will join you or come & join me.etc.. they have lot of time to bond with their son, not at the expense of your time. Be smart . Respecting the boundary is important in any relationship.

    Dont complain about his parents always to him, instead start appreciating what he is doing for his parents and the help mil is doing every day. Save energy for important points. Then smartly bring the issue you want him to understand. But frame it and think about it before you talk. Bring the need for couple time, touch,hug or whatever.

    When we feel our dh as a loving and caring partner, and our emotional and physical needs are met , all these herculean problems in life seems like dust. That's what is missing in your life. So focus on that too.No one is going to fix problems for you. Take control of your life into your hand. Take baby steps...slow and steady...be positive and strong.
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2018
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  10. anahita5

    anahita5 Gold IL'ite

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    Hope you are doing well OP! I am silent reader, but your story really riled me up.

    my take is a bit different. I think your husband takes you for granted. You are independent , self sufficient and don't really need him to take care of anything. He has mom who looks after his needs and wife who takes care of him when mom is not around. Why would he want to change the status quo ? it is all working out for him.

    You need to use some tact and get things you want. you have discussed Ad nauseam and nothing happened, so now is time to act. you seem emotional person, do you ying yang depending on your husbands behavior ? you can't let someone have so much control over you. Your mil might be deliberately ignoring your suggestion, i would suggest you not to suggest at all. Tell her 'whatever you feel' if lauki goes to trash so be it. don't fret for now. you don't have 'so many cooks' you have 'so many advice cooks' .

    your DH depends on your income to keep the world running, yet no consideration for your need ? tell him you are tired of all the running around and want to stay at home. i want to know if he can handle getting his parents her without your help. not lying more like white lies.
    all my advice comes with disclaimer.. All the best. Treat yourself like a queen first! get sad, then pick yourself up and eat some chocolate.
     
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