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Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Desimommy, Sep 10, 2018.

  1. Desimommy

    Desimommy Senior IL'ite

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    Doing this for so many years; I am no longer -ve. I think some time I have become a stone image. Keeping my feelings to myself. I have opened to DH many times and most of the conversations start with me being calm but gets furious turn when he starts taking the side or start being defensive. Its hard not to change the tone. It happens automatically. Honestly that is the reason I am trying to refrain starting the conversation. Personally I am not a conversation starter. I rather sulk in than vent out. Taking the first step, will need courage from my end. But I'll break again if DH doesn't get my point. I know he knows that I am not being myself. There is something bothering me.
     
  2. Desimommy

    Desimommy Senior IL'ite

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    That's true. I usually don't have any expectations from my IL's; but you ponder at times especially when you experience and get such treatments which makes you feel very lonely unfortunately. As they say people even take care of the pets at home when they are sick even if someone doesn't like them. I am still human :confounded:
     
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  3. Desimommy

    Desimommy Senior IL'ite

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    My ILs are not willing to migrate. Its their son and daughter who is after them. They want to integrate them in the medical system before its too late. I am not sure if either of them have looked at the cost factor yet. And honestly I don't even want to stir the topic. I stay miles away from that topic. Cause in the past if and when I have brought up this topic; it has caused some stress and those conversations have not gone well. Sorry I know I sound very pessimistic.

    My parents - good question! They are in India most of the time. I have an older sibling (brother) who lives in another continent. I wish I could get my parents to come stay with me, but I am sure even considering that option will shake up minds and hearts. I rather tackle one situation at a time.
     
  4. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I think this is the right time to talk about your parents when he is asking about his. He is the only son and sooner or later his parents will come. So you should also talk about your parents so u both can decided together about the impl mentation and other practicallty matters.later u may not have that context to talk.
     
  5. Desimommy

    Desimommy Senior IL'ite

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    Sorry for the vent again. But I just got a missed call from DH. Thinking this may be an opportunity to talk. I got all my courage together and messaged him asking if he'd like to talk to me? He said it was an accidental call as he was trying to reach his mom. I am devastated. I know he calls his parents/at home every single day but this time it just broke my heart :(. He has better communication with them then me. We have not spoken to each other for days now. I don't think I can talk to him anymore. Have lost all the courage/ albeit its now reverse. I am sorry, but feels like I am walking on this broken bridge which will break any time soon. I can't take this step. I just feel like calling this marriage off. May be I am not in the right state of mind!
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2018
  6. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    if you are financially independent, and have the guts to take care of kids, just call it off. enough of painful marriage
     
  7. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    You might know from your friends' circle that when parents are not willing to migrate, the entire GC process takes even longer. They keep delaying the medical check-up, consulate visit etc. And even after coming to the U.S. they barely manage to live the required number of days per year. Plus you have the other coast SIL with whom they will want to spend some time.

    Is the situation w.r.t GC so bad? MIL does cook, you have time to pursue hobby, and stay longer hours at work. A husband who changes a lot when his parents are visiting is not a problem that is the end of the world. It is a part of life for many NRI households.

    You seem to be particularly down right now over the missed call having been for MIL, but really, you need to shake yourself out of this web of self-pity. Snap out of it and focus on the main issue -- a husband unwilling to make time for you. Let's count the positives: You have two beautiful children, both you and husband have jobs, you are eligible for USC, both sets of grandparents around and healthy enough to visit, a hobby that you like and pursue. And you are crying into the pillow in the children's bedroom?

    Halwa and picture and cooking in the week are pretty good effort from grandparents. Some are not the kind to play with kids. So be it. Just having grandparents in the house every year for months is a lifelong memory the kids are getting to create. It is not all about bonding. It is about the little things like seeing your husband take care of his parents, seeing you take care of yours, the conversations around the dinner table, in the backyard, maybe grandma or grandpa admiring their art work.

    Big mistake many Indian women make. bend over backward to develop bond and all between children and in-laws. When grandma is cooking almost every weekday, why make it a point that they thank and appreciate her cooking whenever they eat? Isn't that weird? And why take that stress on yourself?

    Looks like no one is really stopping you from entering the kitchen or letting children eat what they want. When there are two people in a kitchen, there will be some adjustments. With my own daughter, now that she can independently make a sambhar, sabji, rice, Indian meal, I had some not very elegant tu-tu mein-mein's. (silly arguments). Somehow from the posts it seems like you are making a problem out of nothing or blowing it up out of proportion (the kitchen thing).

    Possible and better if Dadi stops the comparison.

    You really think a 9 year old independently came to the conclusion "you are sad as daddy don't spend much time with you when Dadu Dadi are around"? No. It came from your reactions or silences. 9 yr olds are quite selfish. They don't care or even realize if daddy spends enough time with mommy or not. They might complain, "Daddy doesn't spend time with me/us."

    You have to sit and reflect how exactly she figured out your sadness is due to daddy not spending much time with you? And is it fair for her to deal with that burden?

    That is not enough of a defense of your husband. No matter your private sorrow at lack of time with husband, you should defend him and if needed sugarcoat it to DD saying that there are ways to find time, will go on vacation when dada-daadi are gone back, and so on.

    It is not so complex, Desimommy. These are usual in-law issues against the backdrop of a very fortunate life. You say you want them to bond and all and are going sleeping in their room when you know you cry in bed. Why put a little child through the pain of mom crying in her room? Sorry but that is incredibly selfish of you.

    You really need to snap out of it, identify the main issue (your inattentive husband), the secondary issue (fear of in-laws getting GC), and work on mitigating those two issues.
     
  8. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Quite independent women don't come undone at work if a missed call was not what they thought it was. Or they come undone but recover after a visit to the ladies room, a good lunch and/or coffee or a brisk walk. Maybe some chocolate.

    Take some time to read this poem: After Awhile (You Learn)
    In particular, the line:
    "With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child."
     
  9. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Serious overreaction on missed call. You should be happy he did
    not call to pick a fight over feet touching or cooking so that means at the moment you did good progress.

    What stopped you to just call and ask what's up ... If nothing else 'have you eaten lunch 'will work. All talk need not be serous.

    Stop comparing with parents , you are not going to achieve anything with this.
     
  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You are being very emotional right now. You haven't spoken to your DH in days. According to you, your DH is closer to mil and you are broaching the subject of the impending GC now? Stop and think. Don't start any uneasy conversations without tackling your most important issue, the closeness with DH. If you bring up things now, you will obviously quarrel and it won't improve things between you. In my opinion, you shouldn't be talking about PILs with DH now. Work on mending your bond with him. It's normal to want to have something more with DH but it's not ok to have so much anxiety for things like calls made by mistake. Your reaction isn't typical.

    Have you always had this amount of anxiety with touching feet and making food for kids while MIL is around? You have to work on fixing that. This is your issue, not his. He isn't going to fix it for you. Don't look for his approval or converse with him about it. Just go do it, you will be fine. If he says something, ignore. He doesn't need to say anything to you about what you do in your house. You are not being blatantly disrespectful and you are allowed to do things without "discussions" first.

    Don't mix up the issues. Bonding with DH is separate from wanting boundaries with PILs. If you tell your spouse things like he talks to his mom more than you, you've already lost. Don't make this a competition. It isn't. You need to slowly work on your needs and do what it takes to make your bond how you envision it. Him doing whatever with his folks and you and him bonding are mutually exclusive. They are here for a few months now. Don't make it so big that their visit's effect lingers beyond their stay.
     
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