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Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Desimommy, Sep 10, 2018.

  1. Desimommy

    Desimommy Senior IL'ite

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    Been married 13 years now. Have 2 kids (both in elementary). Live in US and I work full time and I am quite independent. ILs visit us every 1-2 years and stay with us 3-4 months at a stretch. Even though I tried to build a good relationship with them in the beginning; I had a rocky start especially with my MIL. I tried been a daughter but long story short- I was made to realize that I can't be a daughter. I realized my boundaries and now try to stay within my boundaries whenever they visit. (Example: She doesn't like me in the kitchen around weekdays/ but expects me to get up early mornings on weekends so I cook and get their BF ready on time; make sure I touch their feet whenever I see them - and the list goes on). My DH being the only son - she is possessive about him. I do have a SIL who's elder to my DH and she lives on other coast. ILs goes to visit them as well every time they are here. Every time they visit us, me and DH get into fights cause of household issues and MIL issues. I have tried many times to ignore these issues, forget about past but it comes back and haunt me whenever they come back.

    What bothers me is that each time they come, DH changes his behavior. Takes special interest in kitchen, what's cooking, starts making decision on small and trivial things which he usually never bothers about when they are not around. Its like stepping on my toes for no good reason. I know he's just trying to make sure his mom is comfortable. At times I feel there are 3 cooks in the kitchen. My kids don't like my MIL cooking so I sometimes step in to the kitchen on a weekday to prepare their meals. During the current visit, I have seen an extreme. He's like bee around the queen. DH is usually less social; its always me driving the kids to the b'day parties and is he's always absent from anything social. However this time around; I have seen him change completely: taking special interest in taking them everywhere. Making sure they are with us in all the gatherings (even if the ILs are not invited). He's treating them extra special and being the best son. What's driving my crazy this time is:

    a. He's planning to get them to be permanent here. He doesn't want them to leave US. He's applying for their green card. He believes they are getting old and need him more than ever.
    b. Cause of the above; I don't want to get my citizen ship even though I am eligible.
    c. I can't help but compare DH's behavior differences between when they are here versus when my parents are here (DH completely shuts off- sometimes not even greet my parents when they are around).
    d. My kids have now started noticing the impact of my ILS when they are around. My daughter especially checks on me every day asking if I am doing okay. Yes, I am not myself when they are around. I am depressed/ sometimes cry in the night= and my daughter realizes that its cause of my ILs. Even though I find it very comforting that in my family atleasy my kids care about me; I feel my daughter is drawing a cold shoulder for my MIL cause of what she seen what I am going through. I am torn on getting between a dadi- grand kid relationship.
    e. I find comfort in taking my kids shoulder; example- I have been sleeping in my kids room since they are here. I am tired from work and given the close bond between DH and MIL I feel lonely and deserted. Many days I have waited for my DH but he's busy catching up and talking to them in the night. Its impacting our personal intimate relationship as well as I just see a son in him and not a husband in him anymore. By then time he comes to our room I have already hit the snooze button. Ever since this change of pattern I find it comforting sleeping in with my kids then my own room.

    Next steps:
    I feel like I am compromising at many steps and this is not the life I would like to ideally lead. It scares me to death of how my life will become once they are permanent here. I feel like calling it quits but it will ruin my kids and their life. I don't know what else to do. Would appreciate if you could advise me on my situation as I feel I am mentally drained and stressed out.
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Have you told him how you feel?
    Tell him exactly how you have written here?
    Let him change himself before he decides to get them.
    Don't be scared of the confrontation.
    It is impacting your mental health.

    As for dadi granddaughter relationship.
    She gets what she sows.
    It is not like she doesn't know what is happening . You have no reason to feel guilty.
    You are lucky your children feel your pain.
     
  3. Desimommy

    Desimommy Senior IL'ite

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    I have. Not an easy topic to bring up in front of him; but whenever I have talked to him he feels that they are bored and have no one else to talk. According to DH I on the contrary have work; and friends here. They can't drive so need him beside them. I feel like I have become a roommate then a wife in the house. When I brought this to him and he asked me to take a decision and stay happy whatever path I choose. Cause he is happy with whatever he is doing and he doesn't see anything wrong with it.
     
  4. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Have a talk with him.
    He can process gc for them if
    In laws have to treat you with respect
    You will cook according to your work timings.
    You will not touch their feet every day.
     
    sindmani, Desimommy and shravs3 like this.
  5. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    This isn't in relationship to PILs but I have realized that my DH doesn't seem to notice if I'm reacting or upset or sleeping early etc. On the contrary, if I'm going to the gym, seeing friends, getting out and being happy without him, he has a problem. He wants to be clued in and involved. I think your issue is less about your PILs and more about you not getting your DH's time.

    If I were you, I would do the opposite of what you are doing. I would use the GPs at home to get some much needed free time. It's good that your DH is bonding with mom/dad and taking interest in kids. You go join a yoga class, do some fun things in the evenings, make time for your girlfriends. Keep yourself happy without the need for the day to day involvement of your DH. When you are upset and crying and depressed, the two people most impacted are your children. Give them a happy healthy mother. Don't burden your kids with your emotions. Young children don't have the means to sort through this and make sense. They are going to "think" that GPs are evil, don't let that happen.

    Regarding kids not eating what grandmom cooks, it's not fair for the grandmother. You should try and strike a balance. Maybe show GM how to make some pasta/mac & cheese or something. When my DD does this, I go and make it a point to eat what her grandma has cooked and appreciated her cooking. She loves to be called an awesome cook and I love being able to relax a little.

    Btw, kids giving the cold shoulder to GPs because they feel you are being impacted isn't very nice. I make it a point to tell my DD that there no disrespecting her grandmother. I won't tolerate it. I don't care what she thinks in her head but if she shows a face/opens her mouth/decides to act on that impulse, she gets punished for it big time. I never let it go. Lately, my MIL and I have had a rocky relationship. It's between adults though. Kids are still supposed to behave. It is very hard, I kind of get some things you have mentioned but it's not something you should capitalize on. In time, your children will know that you have taught them good values.
     
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  6. Desimommy

    Desimommy Senior IL'ite

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    We have had these discussions several time. There is no conclusion and is left open ended. He wouldn't give up on their GC. He believes it us who are younger to them and need to make them comfortable as they don't have anything else to do in the house. Touching feet is a ritual which has cause meltdowns in the past. My MIL got furious once when I forgot to touch her feet (this was before kids); and ever since I made a checklist in my head to do it to prevent further such dramas. When my MIL's or DH heart didn't melt when I was 9 months pregnant then I don't expect them to change now.
     
  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Stop doing it. What's the worst that will happen? MIL will have a tantrum. Let her, you continue on your own merry way. She will stop pestering you in due course. You shouldn't do anything you don't want to do.
    GC - practicalities are not the same as what your DH is stating. Insurance is expensive and hard to get and doesn't cover pre-existing conditions. As they age, they will need more medical care, not less. That and the fact that your DH will say this for a few months and when he has to do it every time, he will re-evaluate. You take care of yourself.
     
  8. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    It is your kitchen. Take back control over it. Enter it on weekdays as and when you like. No matter how much she is helping by cooking, no one has the right to keep you from your kitchen. Do not give up this. This is a battle you should pick. If she shows her displeasure, ignore it.

    Start to wake up when you want in the weekend. Whether you are working or not does not matter. You must be in your early to mid-30's. Start acting and asserting your age. Do not give in to avoid unpleasantness. Your children are observing and imbibing more than you will ever know.

    Stop the feet touching pronto. You've been married 13 years. Time enough for such dramas to stop. The ritual can be reserved for special days when your husband also takes their blessings.

    About the GC, do not get into extended conversations about it. At this point, keep your inputs to a minimum and full of impact. Do not waste words. Think twitter. A small hint here and there about the changes that will be needed if they are to stay in your house. Your house. They will be moving in with you guys. Start laying the groundwork for that eventuality now. Your house, they living with you guys. Who is living with whom make a difference.

    Start taking the steps Laks listed. Start doing more of what makes you happy. Life is about what you do and what happens while you are dealing with such problems in the household. Instead of being very miserable, be a little more cheerful, do what it takes and lower the misery part.

    Sleeping in the same room as your husband is the one thing that cannot be taken away from you. Why are you giving it up yourself? Don't. A tactical mistake to do that. And you've already given up on the kitchen. Go back to your room. Husband comes late to bed and all is fine for now. Get back to your room.

    All the above plus what others have posted is not just for your benefit but also because it is your job as a parent to set as good an example as you can to your children. They are learning what one should try to do when faced with challenges in life and living situations.

    Most important -- avoid long arguments that end with nothing decisive happening except reinforcing the notion that you are the bad DIL and against poor old parents.
     
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  9. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Others have laid out a good plan for you.

    Your PILS are going to join your house. Be the queen of your house. Its your home, your kitchen, your bed room & your husband. Own that space in a respectable way. Don't leave everything to them.Let her show all the tantrums. Speak less but with respect. She will stop tantrums once it has no effect on you. Never ignore intimacy part. Talk to dh about it -how you are missing it and ask him to spend time with you. Tell him to not ignore your needs as a wife.

    Appreciate whatever you like in her. Even if its a tasty dish or help. If you want her to cook let her do it. If you want to cook, do it. Dont allow anyone to decide what you want in your own home. If your husband is very strong, any fighting against them wont go well. If you have an option to go for a new home, go for one with bed room in lower floor. So that they can stay there while you have your own space upstairs. Or anything that work for both. Touching the feet ceremony can be reserved for special occasions. Involve your kids too. Stay calm and face the situation with courage. Dont sacrifice your happiness. Spend enough time for you as well. You should decide your life

    You can also use this sentence whenever dh mention anything against your will. Chose the path of your happiness like your dh said. Let him know what you prefer in a smart way instead of making it a big issue and spoiling your happiness.
     
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2018
    SinghManisha and Laks09 like this.
  10. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Not even village dil touch feet every day. Maybe done on some occassions.
    :hello:
     
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