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Save my marriage

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by love2live, Jan 16, 2012.

  1. love2live

    love2live New IL'ite

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    Hi ILS, I really dunno how to start writing about my problem. I am stressed out.:drowning I am married for 4 years. I have a 2 yr old kid. We stay with our in laws. SIL is also with us as she is a divorcee. Ours is an arranged marriage. SIL was not divorced when we married. My parents were lil hesitant in our marriage when they came to know about the seperated SIL. But I convinced them that they should not think like that. I pitied for her. I told them tht they would take good care of me as they wud be particular in that their son's life should not be spoiled like their daughter. Now I realise what a big mistake i have done.:bonk

    My in-laws are quite dominating. They take all the decisions. I did not mingle with them in the beginning as they were not friendly. My MIL spends most of her time with her daughter. They were too partial. Though it hurt me a lil i ignored it and got convinced that i was treated like their son (my DH). I usually dont cook on week days as i go to office early in the morning 6 o clock and come back by 8 PM. I had my breakfast and lunch at office. They initially started complaning my DH about this though their daughter doesnt even do a single piece of work.Time flew like this. I got pregnant and even at that time they didnt take good care of me.

    I came back from my mom;s house after delivery. They were very happy as it was their first grand child. Slowly they started dominating in my child's matter also. They take all the decisions like whats to be fed and whats not to be fed. etc and etc. This really bothered me. They started spending much time with my baby and they were very particular in creating a strong bond between my baby and SIL. Mean while FIL insisted us to get a loan to build a house in one of his land. We got that. They did not even talked to us anything about the house after that. They planned in their own way and built the house. I got much irritated. When i discussed with my DH he is telling " My dad is old. He is gonna live for few years. He is only doing all the stuffs related to construction. He has given us the land and so let him do whatever he wants". I got really pissed off. I nagged him and he told we will build the first floor according to our wish. I kept quiet.

    My MIL and SIL started dominating in the matters related to my kid. They would behave as if MIL,SIL and my baby are from same family and i am a stranger. They will take my baby to my SIL room and they will spend ample time with her. My MIL has created a great sympathy in my DHs mind for his sis. So nothing seemed to be a problem for him. I stopped talking to my SIL. I could see a motherliness in her when she takes my baby. I hate that. I have very lil time to be spent with my baby and they will try to occupy some of that lil time also. My anger and hatredness started to grow. Me and my hus fought many a times for this. Though they knew that these stuffs create problems between me and my hus they never stopped it. I got preg again. We had a problem at home and my MIL was talking so rude to me. She dint even think tht i am pregnant. Tht pregancy ended up in ectopic. I had an emergency surgery to remove the burst tube.

    Now they are starting to construct the first floor. The same history repeats now also. My DH is a passive listener. I really dunno why they wants to live our life. They are exploiting our happiness to the core. My hus went to them and asked them not to use that athai tantrums to my kid. They yelled at me. But they never restrain from doing that. They are taking away everything from me. They have told my DH that he s a puppet in my hand. He got furious and he fights with me everyday saying that i am making him dummy. I did nothing but shared my problems with me. He never wants me to share the problems aboutMIL and SIL. He doesnt want me to feel for that also. He wants me to ignore and keep sminling. How can i smile when everything around me breaks my head. We are fighting almost daily and loosing our love for each other. MY hus says he thinks tht baby is the problem for all these... I am afraid my marriage will break.... Help me ladies. My DH is a nice person. I dont want to loose him. I dont want my child's life to be in stake. I have none to take care of my kid. So i am dependant on them for this.


    Regards,
    Love2live
     
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  2. gda3

    gda3 Junior IL'ite

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    Dont worry mother -child relationship is above to all these things .Just be bindass
     
  3. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    I hear you. Most men don't know how to handle this kind of situation. He has a wife on one hand, who is his life partner and his mother and sister on the other, who he can not hurt. Unfortunately, not many nice guys have the courage and stand by his wife. I don't blame the men, it is the society we have to blame.

    Your problem is not unique in any way. Your sil is a divorcee, but even if she wasn't, there could be any reason for this kind of behavior.

    Having said that, your child is really little and you are spending way little time with him. You have a reason to worry that you and your child might lose the bond that mother and child usually have. It is a strong bond and chances of that happening are quite low I think. However, if you are working 6am-9pm, you have very little time left for housework, yourself, your spouse and your child. You need to take out time for all of these. So, set out your priorities and plan out your day in such a way that you have time for everything.
    Is your career the most important thing for you? If it is, then I think it wasn't a good idea to get married or have kids.
    Managing such a demanding job with household affairs can be daunting for any one.
     
  4. love2live

    love2live New IL'ite

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    Hi Monita,

    Thanks for your reply. I dont work from 6 am to 9 pm. The commuting takes much of my time nearly 4 hours daily. I know i am spending lil time with my kid. If i ask my ILs to shift to a place near to my office. They plainly say no as they dont want their daughter to travel much. I cant leave my job as it would be very tough to manage financially.

    Thanks,
    Love2live
     
  5. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    No, you can't expect your ILs to move, if it is going to cause them inconvenience. Is it possible that you move to some place near your work place without your ILs. It is still going to be difficult because then you will need someone to look after your child. But you have to make a choice. You can not have everything in life. 4 hrs. commuting is too much.
     
  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Hmm... this is quite a hard problem to solve. You are in a tough spot. I would suggest you stop fighting with your husband first of all. He is not against you or ill-treating you as far as I can tell. The situation is such that he too is helpless. The problem is mainly his family which you feel is too interfering. First, I think you have to change your habit of showing anger and reacting on wrong person. Why are you fighting with your husband? He is not doing anything to the kid. So no matter how mad you are dont show that on the innocent or helpless person. Also you need at least one person on your side in that house. So instead of fighting your husband make hiim on your side. Once you do that maybe he will also take in some of your suggestions regarding house etc.

    Secondly, you are getting angry and developing hatred when you see your mil and sil take care of your kid. why? dont let emotions build up and then explode. This will work against you. Be calm and sort out your feelings. What exactly are you upset about? You have to go into that emotion and see what you are really upset about, instead of just reacting. If your issue is that you want to spend time with the child, then say so calmly and carry it off to your room. Tell the child you play with patti and athai all day, come now play with me. Show all your love to your child in the time you get. You yourself are admitting you need them to handle the child durign the day. So go to them, acknowledge their help and with a smile say I will take this naughty off your hands, you take rest. No one can object to a mother spending time with her child.

    Like this, try to deal with the issues smoothly on by one instead of keeping quiet, building up tension and exploding. Then even if your point is justified, no one will pay attention to your point. They will only react to the anger and the explosion and say oh she fights, oh sh is bad etc. So try to deal carefully. The more calmly you make your point, the more likely people will listen to what you have to say.

    Good Luck!
     
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  7. JustMyself

    JustMyself Gold IL'ite

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    Did you guys consider re-marriage for your SIL.

    It appears to me as if your IN-LAWS want to make sure that your SIL would not go uncared for, and they are trying to keep her occupied, and build a bond with some-one (ur baby here), so that she would not lose heart.

    They are parents, who are taking care of their daughter to the max possible.. and treading on all your happiness in the way.

    They are assuming their son's & DIL's life are settled well, and concentrating on their 'troubled' daughter.

    Ofcourse, the kid will build bond with whom-ever it spends time with. So, make sure you have the kid to spend time with you during nights and week-ends, so that you will get time to spend with your kid, and bond well as a Mom too.
     
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  8. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    I have a question for you. Who takes care of the baby when you are working? Nobody can brainwash your baby against you. Your SIL playing with baby is good for your baby as well which means he is taken care of well in your absence. I think you are mixing too many problems together. 4 hrs of travel is too much. You can be spending that time with baby if you stay nearby.
     
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