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Sad and frustated - need another chance in life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Kimaya, Jan 31, 2012.

  1. Kimaya

    Kimaya Senior IL'ite

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    Hi

    I had a fight with my husband last night. My husband is a very good man, family focused and very responsible. However, he is absolutely blind about his parents. He recently gave them 25,000 USD (10 lakhs) for some property investment. He feels that helping his parents and doing this for them is his duty. He has sent them money earlier as well to help for sister's marriage etc.

    Yesterday, when we were speaking with his mom she mentioned they would need 5 more lakhs and she also keeps discussing an option to send some monthly amount to them. I really lost my cool when she said that - we are in a tough financial spot, I don't have a job, got laid off. We haven't bought a home. In our banks in USA, we are in debt around $6000. And my husband doesn't say anything. He agreed to send them $1000 more. I know its not a huge amount but we gave them 10 lakhs in Dec 2011. We don't have a single penny of savings for our children's college.

    I got very upset last night and told my DH that I'm done with this situation, I want to save what I earn and keep a fund for our own home and children. He doesn't say anything to anything, he's always quiet. Not a single word. I told him that he broke my heart and did not fullfill the promises he made to me when we got married. I know helping out parents is considered a very positive deed. But what about us. Part of the money that he sends is also mine and I always stand by him on his decisions. But now its bothering me and I have told him many times.

    Another problem we have is that there's no love or romance in our marriage whatsoever. He never compliments me or notices or takes me out or gives me a card or anything. I ask him many times if he likes me, loves me. And its his trademark silence. Our marriage is all about bills, kids and household chores.

    I wonder if this is what life is, don't I deserve to be loved? I'm losing confidence in myself and beginning to feel suicidal. The only thing good in my life is my children. I love spending time with them and they just pick me up instantly. They are my only reason to live.
     
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  2. daffny

    daffny Silver IL'ite

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    kimaya dont worry, this happens to so many indian girls. when the guy is first son in the family the situation is worse and becomes very difficult to wives to handle. the parents think their son has soooo much money as he gives whenever they ask. but the son doesn't understand that and wants to give every penny like this. in the beginning years you couldn't have done anything. now it is time to oppose this friend. tell him firmly that you don't like this and you cant accept anymore. after this also few years they will keep doing , but with your continuous arguments make him understand he gives more than what his parents need. always make some demands like some investments on children names, school expenses.....etc.

    i dont know how long you are married. but I have seen it takes at least 10 yrs to guys like this to change.
     
  3. indudeepak

    indudeepak Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Kimaya,

    Sorry to hear about your situation. I can relate to this subject as I had some quarrels myself with my wife regarding this issue. However, my intention is not to defend your husband or blame him. Just wanted to share my experience on this subject.

    I have noticed that when wife is demanding or complaining or criticizing this act we men tend to become more defensive and counter attack with moral arguments (I am not at all saying this is right, but this is what happened with me). What worked for us was her patient and defenseless explanations. I used to feel guilty for not being able to give back to parents enough. I guess its a guilt which most sons overcompensate with.

    This being an emotional issue my suggestion will be that explain your concerns in a loving and kind manner. You have stood by him so far and that says how good a partner you have been to him. Its time for him to reciprocate in kind but dont say this in as many words. You need to be subtle and understanding. I believe love can change a lot of things. Although it might not work also but I think that would be the most effective way to deal with this. Also when you bring up this subject try to stay away from his acts that need to be stopped but mention the acts that need to be implemented - like a separate fund for your home, kids etc. Once he understand he should be able to attend his responsibility as a husband and parent too.

    All the best...
     
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  4. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    why mix up several things at once??? your love life vs intimacy vs he not complementing vs he sending money to india vs he sending the money you earned too etc..etc...
    so many things at once??

    Why not make a budget and stick to it...even if it means sending a fixed amount per month to India (as per what his mom wishes...)

    you said you have children...sometimes there are some phases in marriage, where responsibilities n kids take over the intimacy/loveydovey phase....but this is the time where things seem tough n rough and the couple have to support each other and stand by each other...not try to blame everything on each other..

    Sit with him, make a budget of what you both are bringing home, your monthly expenses here n savings etc...and also keep aside some amount to send to India...tell him /show him what can /cannot be sent to India..and let him make it clear to his mom.

    pls do not mix up money matters with all other issues...they will seem never ending..and frustrating. instead tackle one at a time..In money matters forum you have a budget calculator spreadsheet, its a good one..refer to that
     
  5. Ganaraya

    Ganaraya Bronze IL'ite

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    whoa! one income plus a $6000 debt equals first priority is to pay off the debt. no parents would like their son to send money when he himself is seriously in debt. has he updated them about his situation?

    as hard as it is, talk to him as a financial adviser would. state the problem, lay out the logical solution. duty does not work only one way. parents have a duty towards their children too. their son is in debt. dil laid off. son is in a tough situation. parents need to back off on the money requirement. put property stuff on the back burner for now. the key is to be fair in discharging ones duty to various family members.

    financial problems can be a huge drain on the romantic side of marriage. even otherwise he may be the strong an silent types who show love differently. check out http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top.
    read it and let him read it also. it might be very helpful to recognize your love language as well as that of your spouse.


     
  6. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    Regarding monetary issues:

    Men are wired differently. The moment you start criticizing him and point out his mistakes, he will become defensive. Moreover, from his POV sending money to his parents (however excessive) is his duty as a son. You cannot stop it how much ever you try. Also i would suggest not to try stopping him as you will become the bad guy.

    Instead of blaming him and listing out the problems, tell your concerns to him and come out with solutions. Remind him gently about his duties as the current sole bread winner of the family, of a husband and a father.

    Sit together and set aside a fixed outflow of funds every month: clearing debt (highest priority), savings for emergency fund, savings for kids college, even sending money to his parentsetc. If he says he cannot handle it or tries to postpone it, tell him that you will handle all this and ask him to transfer the amount to your account every month. Meticulously follow what you both have decided and show him the debt clearing and savings account building up.
     
  7. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    Regarding love and intimacy issues:

    Is he like this from the beginning or is this a recent change? If he is like this from the beginning, then you need to accept the fact that some people, both men and women, are wired like that and move on. If he didnt change in such a long time, he probably never will. You try finding your happiness in loving and nurturing yourself: develop a new skill, pursue a new hobby and take good care of yourself. You will start feeling a lot better.

    If this is a recent change and romance is the only thing missing in your marriage, try to remember if he started behaving so after any fight or incident. You can also try creating some romantic moments yourself. Both of you go for a vacation, away from the pressures of day to day life and rekindle the spark in your marriage.

    You mentioned in your post that he is a very good man. There must be a reason why you said so. Instead of focussing on his negative traits, also think about his positives. This kind of positive thinking will bring you out of this frustration.
     
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  8. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    kimaya,

    it happens in many households. sometimes, you have a control whilst there are few times, that you cannot control even if you want to..i can understand the fear, the frustation underlying it. you save every penny, sitting in a foreign country and you feel somebody else is enjoying the fruits of your hardwork..(it is human..)

    coming to your post, you are relating your frustations and money issues to gether. both need to be addressed separately.

    i always remember this incident. my kids were 5, 8. my husband was giving both some chocolates to eat. i think he gave my dd a few pieces more than my ds. my son being younger and foodie questioned dh, why are you giving her more. dh immediately told him, do not ask why are you giving akka more, but ask me, "Dad, i would like to have a few more pieces,if i can.." he taught both of them wanting something is ok, but when you wish it should be positive..that is i don't mind your giving him and i am happy that you have given him, he also deserves a chance, but i wish i was getting some too..not sure why i am talking about this here..but somewhere, the fundamental crux of the issue is what i am trying to convey i believe..

    you are right in wanting something to be done for the future of your kids, remember they are both your kids and he will also be anxious about the future and the savings. if he withdraws into himself, maybe somewhere he feels he is not doing enough and he is feeling guilty as a parent for not having done that for the kids.

    you need to talk about money issues only when the situation is right. you should not club everything together and list out the whole -ves together..agreed he has a few. but pointing out all -ves sometimes does not sit well. you are his wife, he hopes for a better understanding just as we hope the same from our spouse.

    so next time, talk to him, tell him that you are scared of not having a nest egg in case of emergencies and college fund. we would start saving some. let us sit and work out our finances, so that we can understand how to incorporate everything and yet be free of debts. tell him that his debts worry you. you are scared that he is stretching himself beyond his limits. tell him that let us talk to your parents that the situation at home in your place is bad, you never know..maybe your dh does not want his parents to know the hardships at home right now. (The same parents may turn out understanding once you tell them what is happening...because many a time, the sons do not open their mouth and tell the hardships that they are facing..and the parents will not have a clue as long as they have money transfer happening..)


    Coming to compliments.. it is a two way street. he also needs to feel good just like you. a simple hug showing that you understand him..goes a long way..i feel there is more to his silence (if it is something that is more prominent now)...it is high time you need to have that talk..do not question if he loves you. you can always tell him that i love you..there comes a point in marriage, where you need to look at love with maturity..beyond kids, beyond responsibility. a companionship, that means more than just intimacy alone. if you feel that there is a rut happening why don't you take the steps to rectify it. since you are home right now, make things possible. have a special dinner, have a special movie..or pick up your old videos/albums and reminisce to gether..sometimes, you need to look retrospect..since you say he is basically good person..

    you can look at spending more time with the kids, picking up a few books that you meant to read but could not, some new hobby..

    now be cheerful...
     
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  9. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    Instead of telling your hubby to stop sending money to his parents , talk to him about investment.Make him realise how everything has become very expensive these days particularly kids education and medical.If you invest in land or property now , it will help you in future when need arrives.When you invest in a property , you will take loan and you will automatically have a financial duty to be fulfilled.This way you will feel secured and your money flow outside will also be restricted.

    Coming to romance in life , lady , there are quiet a few men out there who think that their wife should be like those smiling dolls always inspite of the situation.I got to hear this recently form one of my male friend.There are lot of reasons why couples fall out of romance(his POV was for love marriage.I think it applies to arranged marriage as well).Before marriage , a man would not have seen his lady love in dirty clothes , while cleaning the dishes or toilet, getting angry,the oily face in the morning,shouting at kids,incompatibility issues etc..etc.A lot of men understand that these are part of life but the problem comes when some do not realize the "reality".I am not sure how true this is.

    From your post, I see that there are no burning issues as such between both of you.If you are stressed out and show your stress always, please stop it.Be positive.Do not ask him whether he loves you .Some men do not say it loud.Show him that you love him.As Shanthi said, make some special things and bring back the liveliness and be cheerful.It is your family and take the responsibility of making it into a beautiful one.Good Luck!
     

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