1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Right(eous) Timeline Of Affair?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rihana, Jul 23, 2016.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Page 1 of 16
  1. Jul 23, 2016 #1
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,513
    Likes Received:
    30,284
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    :)

    Ahem! You clicked on thread of your own freewill. Kindly remember that. :)

    General question about the suggested timeline of an affair - should a person in a bad marriage file for divorce, finalize it, and only then develop feelings for another person?

    What if, due to the bad marriage, the heart/mind strays, and a person develops feelings for a friend or colleague? At what point do "feelings" become "affair"?

    Are "feelings" OK before divorce but "affair" is not OK before divorce?

    In a job, it is OK to look for a new job while still working at current job, find new job, then give notice, and join new job. Can something similar be applicable to marriage?

    :)
     
    Rihana, Jul 23, 2016
    Rihana, Jul 23, 2016
    #1
    Loading...

    Similar Threads
    1. ramyav_cse

      School Admission - Timelines and admission process

      ramyav_cse, May 21, 2013, in forum: Schools/Playschools/Daycares
      Replies:
      2
      Views:
      1,354
      ramyav_cse
      Jun 4, 2013
    2. ramyav_cse

      timelines for EAD

      ramyav_cse, Sep 5, 2008, in forum: Indians in Los Angeles
      Replies:
      6
      Views:
      1,946
      chocolate
      Sep 6, 2008
  2. Jul 23, 2016 #2
    kollen

    kollen Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    44
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Male
    It is funny that you are trying to find a connection between a job and a marriage.

    But since you brought up Jobs.... Do you think one's future employer will appreciate if you leave with a bad reputation into their company? Particularly in today's world were social media. One stupid tweet and one is a goner.

    I think in your discussion point, perhaps it is better to define what marriage is. It is becoming very common to have "open relationships". Basically legally married but sharing bodies with other people. Would the aforementioned example be the typical definition of marriage? For some yes, the "re-defined" meaning of it. For some not.

    What happens if there are children involved in your discussion points?
     
    kollen, Jul 23, 2016
    kollen, Jul 23, 2016
    #2
    Sairindhri likes this.
  3. Jul 23, 2016 #3
    Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,484
    Likes Received:
    4,119
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Very frivolous to compare job and marriage. I think that says it all. If you are in a committed relshp (marriage or not), you know what to do Rih. You are bored/or curious/ or like "topics" and opened this thread for good timepass, but you know the answer already if you sincerely think abt it. Unless sincerity is an out of fashion word according to "modern" IL-ites lol. (And sincerity is our value system and not based on if other person is or is not). Last post in topic, hv a good weekend.
     
    Ragini25, Jul 23, 2016
    Ragini25, Jul 23, 2016
    #3
    APS45, Sairindhri and kollen like this.
  4. Jul 23, 2016 #4
    Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,211
    Likes Received:
    13,034
    Trophy Points:
    445
    Gender:
    Female
    I hope I can say this without pissing you off! : ) If you do get mad at me, we'll make up eventually, so here it goes.

    You've said so much with the way you worded the OP, Rihana. Drawn the battle lines before you even let anyone express an opinion. Hardly conducive to a fair discussion.

    And the job versus affair is a logical fallacy -- a faulty analogy -- just because superficially finding a job and falling for someone while still being bound, willingly or unwillingly, in a committed situation to another, sound similar in some respects, doesn't imply that they are similar in all respects. One is about a position in a corporate structure where you are no more than a cog in a wheel, your actions hurt no one, barely even dent the corporate bottomline. The other is about value systems, human relationships and emotions. Not equivalent by any means. Both situations are governed by a very different set of conventional norms.

    I'm not one for conventional morality. Was in a live-in relationship with my husband much before the word marriage ever came up. But I do live by a personal code that allows me to look at myself in the mirror every morning and it is not negotiable. No contextual interpretations allowed.

    Infidelity is something I won't tolerate and something I would never inflict on another person. If I were in a bad marriage and started to fall for someone, I would walk out before I let those feelings get the better of me. Timeline of divorce, etc etc don't matter. Once I tell you we are done and find my own means to survive, my conscience is clear. As long as I share a roof with someone else, I will not hop into another's bed. Once I've stepped out and declared my independence from the existing relationship, I'm free to do as I choose, divorced or not. This applies to any committed relationship not just marriage.
     
    Gauri03, Jul 23, 2016
    Gauri03, Jul 23, 2016
    #4
    Rihana, rajkumarxxx, APS45 and 7 others like this.
  5. Jul 23, 2016 #5
    Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    377
    Likes Received:
    761
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    I started dating my husband even before I got my divorce papers..so technically I was still married :p

    My divorce papers took 1.5yrs to arrive...started dating my H a year after I walked out on my ex. When does a marriage actually end? who defines that? the court?
     
    Jazmine83, Jul 23, 2016
    Jazmine83, Jul 23, 2016
    #5
    madras2018 and Rihana like this.
  6. Jul 23, 2016 #6
    bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    489
    Likes Received:
    410
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    All I can say is the other posting struck me somewhere sensitive. I meant nothing personal against the poster. I was trying to explain what it feels like to be at the other end and she was just not wanting to listen. At the time of employment in a job, you have to sign on a disclaimer which says in effect " We are free to kick you anytime and you are free to leave us any time, we are not bound by this agreement and please don't treat this as a love letter" whereas marriage the oath is "We will stick with each other no matter what through thick and thin, we are strongly bound by this agreement". If someone breaks the agreement, the pain is the same irrespective of the gender. It is all the more painful when the other person is shown a better alternative and then kicked out. I guess anytime in life, there are no agreements to be bound to and no agreement is "safe". One should be always on the run, if one gets bound to an agreement, one is done with. However one should try their best to be bound by the rules because it may hurt them in the long run. There is only one connection that will remain regardless of time and place and that is the connection we should keep intact. I won't discuss more.
     
    bruised234, Jul 23, 2016
    bruised234, Jul 23, 2016
    #6
    APS45, Rihana, Sairindhri and 1 other person like this.
  7. Jul 23, 2016 #7
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,513
    Likes Received:
    30,284
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    kollen, Rags, Gauri, forget the job analogy, main questions are:

    1. ...should a person in a bad marriage file for divorce, finalize it, and only then develop feelings for another person?

    2. What if, due to the bad marriage, the heart/mind strays, and a person develops feelings for a friend or colleague? At what point do "feelings" become "affair"?

    3. Are "feelings" OK before divorce but "affair" is not OK before divorce?
     
    Rihana, Jul 23, 2016
    Rihana, Jul 23, 2016
    #7
  8. Jul 23, 2016 #8
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,513
    Likes Received:
    30,284
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    That is exactly what I was trying to ask.

    When does a marriage actually end.
    When is it OK to start having feelings for another person.
    When is it OK to start seeing another person in a non-platonic way?

    Is it realistic to expect that only after a divorce is all finalized, a person will start to develop feelings for and dating another person.

    If the answer is the marriage ends when it legally is declared over (by court), then, that is also an answer. If any feelings/affair while still legally married constitute a grave moral wrong by your definition, OK.

    Thread is to solicit opinions on the above questions.
     
    Rihana, Jul 23, 2016
    Rihana, Jul 23, 2016
    #8
  9. Jul 23, 2016 #9
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,513
    Likes Received:
    30,284
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    So sharing a roof is the condition? If a person is able to move out, and has clearly told the spouse that the relationship/marriage is over, then, an affair is what? Not an affair? Or is it an OK affair?
     
    Rihana, Jul 23, 2016
    Rihana, Jul 23, 2016
    #9
  10. Jul 23, 2016 #10
    kollen

    kollen Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    117
    Likes Received:
    44
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Male
    Why don't you enlighten this self-created thread with your views on those questions first?
     
    kollen, Jul 23, 2016
    kollen, Jul 23, 2016
    #10
    Sairindhri likes this.
Page 1 of 16
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page