returned to india and inlaws are micromanaging and interferring in our life

richa2009 · Apr 29, 2011

hi.I need some valuable suggestions from Ilites to

make a peaceful yet restricted relationship with my

inlaws. My DH, baby and I have returned to India of

late after living in USA for 15 years.Inlaws are micromanaging and interferring in our life in every aspect and trying to teach me everything from scratch. they are defending my DH for his every mistake and now trying to point fingers at me for things that I am not responsible for.

my issues are:

1)my Dh is extremely hot headed and yells at almost

every oppotunity. he does that with pretty much

everyone , not to the strangers or relatives

though.but to his parents, to me and if he has any

disagreement with anyone at work or elsewhere.
because of his temperament and bad mouthing, I feel

disgusted and I feel like there is a mental gap and

block between us which is gradually increasing.we

do fight over small issue which he starts almost

everytime and if I try to remain calm and ignore ,

he'll keep shouting nonstop that gets on my nerves

eventually. I feel sad and depressed to think about

our relationship and its future. I am not working and have a small baby.I feel humiliated and sad and mom consoles me saying this is happening with most of the women in our country no matter if they are working or staying home.

2)my inlaws never ever had said anything to him despite his repeated shouting at them over petty reasons and they are always at their service. they spoiled him to the extent that he nevers does any little thing like taking a glass of water or finding his own socks before work. he is completely worthless and now that we are back in India my inlaws shameless came and started living at out apartment even before we reached . they stayed with us for 3 months and tried to project the idea that I can't so anything and they are here to help us out. eventually they moved to their house and until recently they again spoiled my DH with their old trickes like doing groceries, serving him and every little thing you can imagine. If I say something, they all tend to ignore and they want him to be depent on them so that he can be close to them and they also feel safe and secure to realize the disconnet between us. I try not to fight with him so that they can't take advantage of the distance that is forming between us, but still he never stops throwing his tantrum. even when we are not fighting and I try to explain to him why this atmosphere is harmful for our baby, he doesn't seem to be concerned. Moreever, as he is used to the royal service from his parent, he expects the same from me and as I don't do most of them, he loses temper.

3) my inlaws are insisting him to visit them every weekend which is not possible but he'll naturally go and visit them quite frequently.they even do groceried etc from their place so that he does not have to do anything at out home and this shameless guy is pretty happy with the arrangement. he now doesn't want to do any single thing at home like holding our baby for few minutes when I am busy with some other work.I started hating him for his attitude.

4)my inlaws are not that interested about me and my baby visiting them frewuently as that will build more workload on them but they want their son to spend every weekend with them as if we don't have any work and no time needed for the family here.I feel like they want to make sure we have some disagreement and bad terms so that their son remain close to them and they can come and stay with us as long as they want to micromanage my household and boss around.they are also very keen to convince him about the benefit of joint investment with them and at the same time how complicated it could be to make aby financial or property realated invested in my name . I smoke some fishy intentions here.

please advise what can I do to improve on our relationship to let my baby grow in a healthy and happy environment and keeping my in-laws away from our personal and family life and not letting them intrude in my household. They can go to the point that if they plans to come again very soon, they will just come with bags and baggages when my DH goes to visit them and strategically not informing me about their plans.

even the maids are disguted and annoyed with their cheappo attitude and too much of work and their bossing.

this is a whole new narrow minded "family-together" life that I am going to start in India and already feeling depressed.

ars · Apr 29, 2011

couple of things for you to do. I see you have maid to help.
Now,
Tell your H if he is not pitching in with household work, shopping, babycare etc you want have a full time live in maid/cook/nanny.
Just because he is shouting to get his socks dont jump and do it. Ignore the tantrums, shouting. show you are not affected by it.
You need to do something for yourself so you can get your self confidence up. A class or part time work will be good for you.

vijikrish · Apr 29, 2011

Hi Richa,
I totally understand what you are talking...also, to note that you lived very independent life in US, when you moved to India, you noticed even small stuff happening everday regular stuff in everybody's house as big issue. You are right, it is totally disgusting to pamper their son and go against DIL. Slowly, when you get opportunity, express your feelings to your IN-laws to a point where they can realize, they will keep ignoring your words...but keep insisting. You have kid now, he will start learning from the situation you are in now and it will be very messy. Good luck.:thumbsup

satchitananda · Apr 29, 2011

Dear Richa,

richa2009 said: ↑

1)my Dh is extremely hot headed and yells at almost every oppotunity. he does that with pretty much everyone , not to the strangers or relatives though.but to his parents, to me and if he has any disagreement with anyone at work or elsewhere.because of his temperament and bad mouthing, I feel disgusted and I feel like there is a mental gap and block between us which is gradually increasing. we do fight over small issue which he starts almost every time and if I try to remain calm and ignore , he'll keep shouting nonstop that gets on my nerves eventually.

Have you tried to walk out of the room or to get out of the house and go for a walk every time he starts to throw a tantrum. Did he behave the same in the US, or does it happen only when he is in India?

I feel sad and depressed to think about our relationship and its future. I am not working and have a small baby.I feel humiliated and sad and mom consoles me saying this is happening with most of the women in our country no matter if they are working or staying home.

Unfortunately she is not wrong. But that is no reason why you should put up with it.

2)my inlaws never ever had said anything to him despite his repeated shouting at them over petty reasons and they are always at their service. they spoiled him to the extent that he nevers does any little thing like taking a glass of water or finding his own socks before work. he is completely worthless and now that we are back in India my inlaws shameless came and started living at out apartment even before we reached . they stayed with us for 3 months and tried to project the idea that I can't so anything and they are here to help us out. eventually they moved to their house and until recently they again spoiled my DH with their old trickes like doing groceries, serving him and every little thing you can imagine. If I say something, they all tend to ignore and they want him to be depent on them so that he can be close to them and they also feel safe and secure to realize the disconnet between us.

The majority of traditional families believe that men should be put on a pedestal and worshipped. They should not be allowed to do their own work and should be looked after. They may not be doing it with the intention of creating a rift, but may genuinely believe that they need to change the equations between you two. That they may create a rift between the two of you may be the consequence rather than the intention of their behaviour.

I try not to fight with him so that they can't take advantage of the distance that is forming between us, but still he never stops throwing his tantrum. even when we are not fighting and I try to explain to him why this atmosphere is harmful for our baby, he doesn't seem to be concerned. Moreever, as he is used to the royal service from his parent, he expects the same from me and as I don't do most of them, he loses temper.

You have to show him through action rather than by shouting (which is generally speaking a futile exercise) that tantrums are not going to be tolerated. You have to make this point to him that it is not in the baby's interests and that he had better mend his ways. Does he really care about the baby? Did you have the same issues about having to wait on him when in the U.S.? If not, then do not succumb to his temper and do more than what is reasonable for him. If he shouts, just go away from the room. You will have to use the carrot and stick policy. Be very nice to him when he behaves reasonably and when he does not, just ignore. The message should eventually get across.

3) my inlaws are insisting him to visit them every weekend which is not possible but he'll naturally go and visit them quite frequently.they even do groceried etc from their place so that he does not have to do anything at out home and this shameless guy is pretty happy with the arrangement.

If that is how he wants to operate, let him. Don't bother so long as he gets home the groceries. You cannot be expected to be running round to do everything on your own. You can make alternative arrangements, such as arranging a full time maid who will run errands too, or giving your orders on phone and having groceries delivered home, so that it spares you the hassle of running around.

he now doesn't want to do any single thing at home like holding our baby for few minutes when I am busy with some other work.

Maybe you should go over to your parents' place with the child for a few days. Let him miss the baby. Maybe he might come around.

4)my inlaws are not that interested about me and my baby visiting them frewuently as that will build more workload on them but they want their son to spend every weekend with them as if we don't have any work and no time needed for the family here.I feel like they want to make sure we have some disagreement and bad terms so that their son remain close to them and they can come and stay with us as long as they want to micromanage my household and boss around.they are also very keen to convince him about the benefit of joint investment with them and at the same time how complicated it could be to make aby financial or property realated invested in my name . I smoke some fishy intentions here.

I think you really need to have a serious talk with him about the direction your life is going in. In the mean time you should seriously consider getting a job and becoming financially independent. Will your parents be able to help out with looking after baby (maybe with the help of a maid) while you go to work? It is imperative that you become financially independent. That will also give you some time outside the house. Keep all your earnings separately in an account of your own. Do not put his name as joint holder if you suspect he is going to touch your money. You can always have a nominee. If push comes to shove and you need to leave him, you should have money of your own to fall back on.

please advise what can I do to improve on our relationship to let my baby grow in a healthy and happy environment and keeping my in-laws away from our personal and family life and not letting them intrude in my household. They can go to the point that if they plans to come again very soon, they will just come with bags and baggages when my DH goes to visit them and strategically not informing me about their plans.

Seriously I do not see any way you could do this without your husband coming to his senses and being co-operative.

even the maids are disguted and annoyed with their cheappo attitude and too much of work and their bossing.

this is a whole new narrow minded "family-together" life that I am going to start in India and already feeling depressed.

Chin up and fight back. You can scarcely afford to go into depression now. Think of your son. You need to be tough for his sake.
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Wishing you all the best.

sweetanju4uu · Apr 30, 2011

Hello Ruchi,

Satchi has given you some real good advice on your problem. Issueswith in-laws keep happening in every other household these days. But, you will find that these things become irrelevant once you are financially stable. Make sure that they do not get into a joint venture and try your atmost to pool in your's/Dh's earnings in a solid manner, which cannot be touched for a while, even by ur hubby, let alone your in-laws. Financial stability will bring you peace of mind, and you can start thinking of your in-laws issues slowly. Take one step at a time. All the best!!