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Restrictions/dresscode to some married Indian women - very unfortunate

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by rissy, Jan 12, 2012.

  1. rissy

    rissy Silver IL'ite

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    Dress codes:-

    - Compulsory wear saree
    - Never wear jeans/western wear
    - Compulsory wear mangalsutra, sindoor, nosering, bangles, payals, earings, finger rings, finger rings of feet, etc.

    Restrictions:-

    Married women should not do job or study after marriage
    Should not use social network/internet
    No need for her to use mobile
    should not drive
    only work around home and kitchen
    Not to go anywhere without permission
    Go to parents place rarely with inlaw's permission
    Do what inlaw's says
    Should follow all rituals as asked by inlaws eg: karwachauth (even when she don't want to)

    I may get the response saying that gone are those days, because the type of surroundings you live in, you might not have seen this things, but think about it, there are crores of women still in India who can't even come to this forum because either they are not educated enough or not allowed to use even internet.

    Infact despite of being educated, I doubt if there is any IL here who might not have to face atleast one restrictions of the above. Today, inlaws may not able to put all of the above restrictions to dil but still try their best to impose one or other veiws on her or force her to go for specific dress codes. As far as not doing job/study/using mobile/social networks/internet is concerned, it is not that uncommon and is found in many families. And even this women don't even mind, they accept it as their fate and learn to be happy with whatever little freedom they got. When I was going to marry, people were asking me, is your inlaws will ALLOW you to wear jeans and slawar kameez, will you husband/inlaws will ALLOW you to do job after marriage? Why this word "ALLOW". :idontgetit:Why it is still thought by many people that a married lady is on the mercy of husband/inlaws. So is getting married for Indian women is like going to jail or some militry school where uniform, dress codes, disciplinary rules and regulations are needed. :bang

    To be frank I was one of unfortunate ladies. My inlaws tried to put all the above restrictions on me. Luckily I am out of that marriage now. I was forced to wear saree, for which I bluntly said no. Big drama was created but I didn't gave up. And one morning out of anger, my mil came wearing the transparent dress (which needed slip) :eek:mg: in front of her sons, when I told her politely that you should wear slip inside as her bra is clearly visible, she started shouting and crying and said, my mil even forced me to take pallu on head, still we never even answered back and obeyed but look at you, how much azaad you are, so if you don't listen to me, than why should I give up all happiness, I will wear too what pleases me. :hide: I already talked to my ex before engagement, I will work after marriage and he agreed, and as soon as I got married, they started off with drama, and then when I argued, my trashy ex said, okay then you have to find a job which has 11-4 timings and you have to come back at 5 and cook dinner and in morning you have to cook and finish all chores and then only be allowed to go office. Once I gone for interview, mil followed me and even came in the cabin of interviewer. My ex was resenting me for not wearing mangalsutra and sindoor (that was summer time and I used to have prickly heat on neck and due to too much sweat I was not able to wear sindoor) for that they created so much big scene without understanding my point of views and problems and called my relatives and complainted, :drowning I tried to peirce the nose before marriage, but it was not happening and the one doing peircing also adviced that your nose skin is too sensitive and rigid and it is not advisable for you to get it peirced, for that they daily killed me with hurtful comments and loads of forcing, complaints to my relatives. WitsendAnd they had many other mentality that women no need to drive, use mobile, etc. Once I went to cyber cafe even with their permission, I was marked as characterless. :bonk:rant

    I wonder had anyone else in this or just 50% of this situation. Anyone of your inlaws ever tried to put such unreasonable dress code or restrctions on you. how you dealt with that.:bangcomp::?:
     
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  2. Young@heart

    Young@heart Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I would not say that I had to bear 50% or whatever% of the same...but yes...when i was newly married....maybe 3-4 months after marriage..

    My MiL one day told me that you should wear a bindi to show that you are married....I replied " but boys donot have to wear anything to show that they are married". She didnot like it but said nothing. I donot know what got into me because that is just one of the two times in my married life of 10 years now that i replied to her...but am glad that i did. I donot wear a sindoor/ mangalsutra/ bindi (my personal choice).

    My parents clearly asked my inlaws whether they have any issues in my wearing anything (as i told them to ask) and they said no. After marriage they had problems and when confronted that they said yes before...my FiL said he thought that my parents meant only full lenght jeans with kurtis and not capris/ skirts:rant. This i had to follow to some extent as skirts are out but yes i do wear capris. Only because my H didnot support me in this.

    Yes ..even i donot understand this "allow" concept and wish my daughter (she is just 4 now) gets a more liberal partner:thumbsup

    Regards.
     
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  3. saraswathilives

    saraswathilives Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I rarely post here but this thread i couldn't help posting ... im not against any ladies or their view points here ... but I do want to know why wearing a saree occasionally / wearing mangalsutra becomes such a big issue ... and why do we have to compare ourselves with men who dont have any symbol that states he's married .... the below list of issues ... i cant imagine it still exists .... and 1 more thing why do we tend to ask or inform our DHs or ILs that can we work or we will work after marriage ... we never ask men whether they would work after marriage ???? .... and going to parents place has become a huge issue ???? and we cant compare ourselves with men .... we expect men to earn through his life time, assist in chores, drive for us, accompany us when we want to go somewhere, support ourselves till the end ....

    We ladies have the liberty to leave our jobs once we are married / have children .... and we always try to transfer our jobs as per DH's job or even if we are jobless for a shortwhile it doesn't matter much .... but is it possible for men ...

    I personally feel that only we ladies are blowing small issues to huge ones thereby ruining everybody's peace ... comparing men and women is like comparing apples and oranges ... just my opinion ... no offense any one ... :)
     
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  4. rheaa

    rheaa Silver IL'ite

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    for me the dress codes is a nightmare -
    saree : i am not comfortable wearing it but ILs & parents want me to, they go to the extent of emotional drama and says because of you our family will get a bad name, etc. so, i end up wearing on important ocassions to please them.
    western wear : do not wear at all when i'm with ILs or parents as they get uncomfortable otherwise, i wear it. so only salwar & sometimes saree is my dress code in India
    mangalsutra, sindoor, etc : again a big drama asking/forcing me to wear when i'm in india otherwise, i don't.

    my take is those are my personal choices and i'll wear or not wear only what i want and thankfully dh supports me. in india, dh tries to pacify & reason with family to allow me to do what i like but it is not always successful. but strange thing is when i'm abroad wearing western outfits without sindoor, mangalsutra, other accessories; neither ILs nor parents mind! infact, they look at my pictures or videos & compliment me for my style but once i'm at home in india, it's a different story altogether!! most of the time they are worried about what other relatives, neighbors think and forgetting our dress culture - everyone thinks they are right in their own way!

    Most irritating thing is everyone by default assumes once married the woman will do whatever ILs say, and take permission to go anywhere. This is one problem for me. When newly married, i was told to ask politely that i wanted to go. i did a few times but i was hating it so much that i changed it to informing politely that i'll be going somewhere beforehand. it works till now. but parents are always worried that i'll not be in the good books of ILs if i behave like that, they tell me to behave properly without being a disgrace to their upbringing - oh, life is so complicated!
     
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  5. malarun

    malarun Gold IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    I am not ok with this drama about taking permission; I am an independent human being with my own wishes and my husband’s(since he is my better half) so I don’t have to take permission from in-laws but I do take suggestions given by them but act according to my comfort level without hurting anyone as far as possible.
    Here goes my experience after marriage, wow, I have not shared any of these with anyone till now, no not even my parents know about these.
    After marriage my FIL and SIL (Note: My MIL a silent person never bothers me by saying anything it is only my SIL(unmarried) who puts her views through my FIL), that I have to wear saree after marriage day in and day out say bye to all other dresses. When they said this to me, I did not refuse but just gave a smile and just said come on enough of your pranks you guys are just hilarious, and followed with what I was comfortable in. I am ok in wearing saree during occasions but not every single day. I wear only salwar when I am in India, and jeans, pant shirt in US.
    The funniest part is I love fashion jewelry and I like to match my dress with my accessories, but my SIL said I need to wear gold and nothing else, so they told me I need to throw away my collection, I said please mind your own business. There was such a big drama in the living room where I was watching tv. After some time about half an hour I got up to leave and my FIL asked me you have answered anything, I just coolly asked about what, and reacted as if I did not know what they were discussing about. My FIL was like we were talking to you for the past half an hour, I acted surprised, and my SIL was going mad and called her bro i.e. my husband and created a drama. Now I need to mention about my husband, he does not pose restrictions on me but if he feels the dress I am wearing is not ok he just says avoid wearing it henceforth. He has given me full permission in talking back to my FIL or SIL, and says not to nag him or bring the topic to him, you handle it yourself. If his family says anything to him about me the same answer goes to them. (This shows he escapes from the situation… lol but this is what I want giving back the people who irritate me directly). But sometimes this attitude of him irks me when I get caught alone with my in-laws. If any other relation other than his parents or sis talks about me he gives them back saying I know about her in a very polite way.
    The most trivial thing for which she created a biggggg hue and cry was not to keep black bindis, then wearing bracelet is like not good for home, only rowdies wear it etc… wearing a thin anklet portrays us in a bad way we need to keep the prestige of our family and wear big ones.
    Do not go in shifts to office a homely girl does not do it.
    I guess they were trying to find faults in me, I just ignored them and they have got the point, there is no use talking with this lady.
    I always wear my mangalsutra as my husband wants it this way, I don’t mind doing it for him. I always keep a bindi, I like different bindis. I follow the rituals more then my in-laws surprisingly then make fun of me in this saying I am an old days women… wow… I was surprised after all the condition sthey tried to put on me….
    Then I realized what a DIL means… a daughter(sort of) who comes into a circle of laws rather family laws… ha ha ha.. FIL, SIL and MIL are law makers…


    Regards
    Malar
     
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  6. chandy939

    chandy939 Silver IL'ite

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    Dress codes

    I never had dress restrictions and my m-i-l knew I would dress to the occasion and decent enuf.Infact after my b-i-l moved in I stopped wearing 3/4ths at home coz I remembered my mom's rules as I grew up in a family of only brothers.Mil was impressed...and I made it a point to tell her..good girl :rotfl

    IMO its safe to wear a mangalsutra in India to avoid unwanted attraction in public places.I have a simple one for daily wear.Initially mil had issues abt me not wearing bindi,bangles when I was not wearing salwar kameez or saree...but then she gave up.

    I used to get rashes when I used to wear silver toe rings so on "medical grounds" that also skipped :D :D :D

    Restrictions

    I have a restriction that I should NEVER stop working.:bonk
    I think we should inform parents or in-laws or whoever is in the house as to where we are going.Its more for security.Mind you its just Inform...not Ask for permission.Same applies to going to parents house.

    I am blessed I don't have any restrictions as such...atleast I ensured from beginning no one imposed their restrictions on me and I lived on my own terms well within mine and family's limits.
     
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  7. menong

    menong Silver IL'ite

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    @ saraswathilives ... doesn't the fact that u try to transfer a job/resign as well as not give that option to men mainly rise because most people women want to marry people who earns much more than them / have a higher ranking /fast paced career. And most women subconciously opt for these looking at their convinience? If a husband had an equally well earning wife and in same career path dont you think they will understand each other's pressures and give chance for the other to take a break? many men these days, not all feel comfortable to take the call to quit and take a break for couple of months if life style does not change drastically...

    Adjusting /pleasing is yet another name of bending backwards as far as an Indian dil is concerned. Many do not bother about how pleasant/nice she is ...they only care how much she can be bullied

    In my case my independent streak is known to everyone in my house/inlaws so i guess they have just given up on the demand list. As far as I know they all have their own to do/ not to do list but the very fact that i do only what i like keeps them all at bay.

    I guess most of these issues come because we r a society in transition and gender based roles are so into our minds that we forget to see the inherent unfairness of a lot of actions
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2012
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  8. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    Dresscodes by MIL: No to shorts and some western wear,red bindi,shld wear gold chain nd gold ear riing etc..

    Restriction by MIL:staying alone during theetu(periods)

    Rules by MIL: shld learn their cooking and shld nt make DH do domestic chores

    and what i do follow: I told a big NOOOOO to all such rules and restrictions straighly..i used to say her "this is my belief nd way of doing"..i dun wear thaali,metti,bindi..i use all modern dresses nd shorts even infrnt of them..No stupid restrictions during periods..infact i go to temple during periods nd tat does nt make me guilt..and my dh nd i do all the chores ..we do share our works..he is the most supportive husband in this world..i dun act differently infrnt of my inlaws and i dun compromise anything for them..i will never ever change my identity at any cost..
     
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  9. Mindian

    Mindian IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi rissy,

    your title caught my attention and when I saw the following statement I HAD to reply :)

    Infact despite of being educated, I doubt if there is any IL here who might not have to face atleast one restrictions of the above.


    No dear I have been married for a very long time now and not faced ANY restrictions from my hubby or his family.I have enjoyed total freedom in my married life . The only compromise I have made is that in spite of being professionally qualified I have shifted along with my hubby wherever his work took him. Again, he never asked me to,but each time we weighed the pros and cons and decided what was best for us.
     
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  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    My sister and my mom are also to be considered lucky, as they never faced any restrictions by their in laws. It is their lives and they are in a good position to make decisions without having to fight or prove anything.

    Unfortunately I had several restrictions from my in laws
    - Do not rebound your hair/no chemicals no straightening
    - Do not wear shorts, T shirts or any such western dresses even though we were out for tours.
    - Do this and do that when I was pregnant with my first one...
    - Several restrictions on baby care, about my job, housing arrangements, investments etc..etc..etc..

    I care a damn for all this, and I do what suits me best. My DH is with me, and he knows me for nearly 10 years for now. He encourages me to decide what is best, and sometimes I rely on my mom's or other elderly women's comments whether it is right to do so or not. Because I know they care about me, and not restricting me because of hurting me.
     
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