restless over something

Jas8085 · Oct 19, 2015

Im totally restless these days. Inlaws are back in my life. I had a good 4 yrs of no-contact with them - life was so good. Im now back to breaking my head over VERY SUBTLE nasty things they do or say. They sweetly innocently ask for ridiculous things. If i shut up there is a problem. If i dont, there is a problem!
Example: MIL innocently sweetly said dh could go to the US to meet SILs baby while I go to India alone. If i say nothing, she will make plans with h. My H has no head of his own. Bcoz im financially and otherwise independent, he somehow thinks its a room mate arrangement between us. He can shamelessly make plans and assume im ok with it.
if I tell DH its NOT ok, he will be even more determined to go.
Sil2 is a real bitch. I dont talk to her. She caused numerous fights between me and H. She pretends to be very innocent but she has fox like dumbness and cunningness. She plays "dependent" card on her husband and parents and they all dance to her tunes. Her inlaws are already being cut out of the picture.

There is a another angle to this. Inlaws are visiting us now - they are leaving this weekend. We spent £6000 on their visit. This includes 2 europe trips, uk sightseeing. H and I agreed that my parents too will get the same trips. My parents are no t too keen on travelling so much so I thought I will replace my dads old car. DH doesnt account for this at all. Its very conveniently forgotten or ignored. I had to remind him multiple times to keep money aside for my parents.

Relationships on my parents side are a bit weird. My mom is very weird. She always prioritised her brothers and sisters (and their kids) over her own. Openly insulting us (me, my bro and sis) in front ofcothers, no emotional support, shouting, beating. All kinds of ****. My dad too never showed any emotional support but he used to look after us. At this point in life, my dad has been genuinely affectionate (since i got married) but mom remains the same. When DS was born, i was at my parents place. She got her sisters over to "help" but they would all sit and chat. I wasnt given any nutritous food on time. I was starving. If dad got food from outside, they too demanded things for themselves. At the time of my marriage, my mom went and bitched about me to MIL !!
And then there is my brother. He got married recently. He and his wife live off my parents. He has a small "pocket money" kind of job. He uses my dads car etc.

Now, i want to buy my dad a new car. I hate that my bro and his wife will happily use it as theirs while my dad will continue using the old one. My mum will make dad ferry her sisters around. Dad is 67. My mom always thought cars and scooters run on their own. No effort needed. So my dad is bullied if he says he cant drop off her sister or something. That way dad says old car is better. Atleast there is a excuse.

With all this ****, i dont want to buy new car. No, i want to buy it. Inlaws get £6000. My parents too must get. Wait - only my dad. Will buying a new car make his life miserable? probably yes. Then dont buy. But inlaws already got £6000??

Coming back to SIL2, she was working in India when DS was born. She gave him NOTHING
Not even a toy. After we moved here, i lost it one day and gave it back to her about her expectations from us. She was demanding phone, laptop, money etc. So i told her gifting is a two way process. Things changed. She started sending cheap gifts to DS for his bday (5$ plate, a spoons set etc).

Now her baby is coming, Mil will expect us to give something. A gift plus £800 return ticket for DH to visit. Where will all thos come from? The £6000 set aside for my parents!! We dont have any other liquid cash lying around. (We have regular investments for most of our savings)

Im pregnant, hormonal, stressed and confused. I don't know what to do. I should relax and not get stressed out. I cant help being stressed ouNow that my inlaws are back in the picture, old monsters are coming back to haunt me. The sheer ease at which they make my H blind is so scary.

SGBV · Oct 19, 2015

You are pregnant now. Tell this to your mind again and again, so that it remembers whenever you get such petty things in mind. You are over analyzing things, and take your life to messy. Blame your pregnancy hormones!

1) Your husband is willing to spend on his parents. He has a two way relationship with them despite of your rotten relationship with SL2 and PILs.
On the other hand, you don't seem to be happy with your relationship with parents. Your willingness to get them to Europe (meeting you, the child, and the country) is ruled out by them for a reason.
The next time don't let husband to spend $6000 on PILs, rather make your finances tight. If things goes beyond your control, and your H could easily spend $6000 without your help at all, then let him do that. Be the generous DIL. This way, you can win your H at least.

2) If your parents doesn't wanna come, let them enjoy what they want.
Send some gift parcels to your mom's sisters. This will make your mom happy.
Buy a car for your bro. He will be happy and his life style would be upgraded.
Repair your dad's car and buy him a gadget as he enjoys.
Do this if you feel like giving it. Else, as i said invest something on your luxury.

3) If you don't enjoy India trip, then don't go this time alone. Stay at UK and enjoy the luxuries of post pregnancy there.
Ensure your H stays with you, so that you both can manage the postpartum with another child.
This way, your H can't leave to SIL's house by leaving you.

4) Since SIL is gifting you anyways, send some reasonably good stuff to your nephew. Be a good SIL to her.

Don't expect anything from anyone. At the same time don't expect anyone to condition you.

If my MIL to tell me where I should go to my delivery, I wouldn't be silence as you. I would straightly tell her that I would like to deliver the child in my home. No where else. Hence my H should be with me.

shari2003 · Oct 19, 2015

You seem a lot confused at the moment. Relax, chill, enjoy your pregnancy.

Speak to your h, keep $6000 aside for your side of family. If you are not happy at gifting your mom and brother, gift something to your father and let that be. But, if you feel that they deserve it, gift everyone something good. That might even help you make better relations with your parents and brother.

Your in-laws have always been monster-like and bad to you, and you may never be able to forgive or accept them. But, most men are like your h, they take likes/ dislikes/ relationships etc at the face value. They would not know of this drama and acting etc, or the purpose of being fake.

Moreover, those are his parents and siblings. Like when children grow up from childhood, they have small tiffs/ agreements/ disagreements and bond back after a while as if nothing happened. Those relationships dont work like how it is between DILs and in laws. For the time being, do not argue with your h on anything related to in-laws. as you stated, that would only make him more stubborn. Instead, let him see true colors on his own.

Invest/ tie up all loose money, so he does not become extravagant when it comes to his parents, but, he is doing it out of his extra money alone, and not touching on the savings, let that be.

If you are not happy to visit India, be in UK. Anyways your h wouldn't be able to leave you with a little son and an infant to meet his sibling.

As of now, let things take a course on its own. Take a deep breath, chill, relax.

coolgal123 · Oct 19, 2015

You are pregnant, take care of you and think about baby only....6000 bucks spent on in-laws is pinching you and now you want to get even by spending the same for your dad.....this getting even business can wait for a while....relax...you have kept 6000 buck apart for ur parents ....that is sufficient as of now....it is not necessary to spend all in one go if it is not needed by your parents....you can spend as much and whenever they need....
Make yourself your priority now,not ur parents ,not ur in-laws but u should make u n ur baby ur priority....
Regarding gift to sil, give what u want to gift and u can afford , not what your mil want...put ur foot down in front of ur Dh and tell him that it is ur hard earned money too and can't be squandered like this....

tashidelek2002 · Oct 19, 2015

Put the 6k in a separate account in your name with beneficiary of your father until you figure it out. Make DH secondary beneficiary in case your dad passes before you figure it out.

MalStrom · Oct 19, 2015

Jas,
This is not the time for you to get worked up. Focus on your health.
Once you give something to your parents, you have to accept that they can do as they wish. If you give your dad a car, then he may use it to drive your relatives around. But he will also get the enjoyment out of having a new vehicle, no?
As the other posters have said, you don't have to give a lumpsum to your parents. By all means keep it equal for your in-laws and parents. Just lock away the money allocated to them so you can help them as needed.

Jas8085 · Oct 19, 2015

Thanks everyone. Will keep my parents money locked. I understand DHs parents raised him with a lot of love and he loves his parents just like anyone. I made peace with my past with them. So I have no prob if DH spends on his parents as long as
1. Its for the sole enjoyment of his parents
2. Sil doesnt get a penny from it

Coming to SIL gifts, she sends really cheap useless gifts to DS. She nev er gifted ANYTHING to DH ever in her life. We still send her decent gifts for her bday, anniv and rakhi. Usually a 50-100$ gift card.
For the baby, we plan to send the same. 100$ gift card. My baby will come before hers. I highly doubt she will send anything. I am soooo tempted to do the same with her.

Ok, for sanity sake, i will let DH choose a nice present for his niece and send it. I hate her soooo much!

SGBV · Oct 20, 2015

It seems you have so much grudges over your SIL2. Hatered to this level would spoil your mood; so your pregnancy. Just relax.

Why give so much importance about someone who doesn't value you at all?

Let your H spend what he likes to spend on his sister. Don't worry about it unless your H forces you to share the bills. Else, it is between SIS and Bro and the gifting for a newborn is a custom. So, don't interfere so much. Let them figure out this.

Eg: My bro gifts so much expensive toys to my kids often. He continues to gift the same even after his marriage. My SIL on the other hand buys these gifts and sends them via bro at times.

I seldom buys toys for my kids, leave alone their kid. I really have no time, no patience to pack and send gifts amongst my other things. Moreso, I am not a gift person.

This has never affected our relationship thus far. Almost 2 years after my bro's marriage, recently I've realized that I should spend something/sometime on gifting them. I brought them jewels, deposited a FD for the little girl and also some great toys.
That surprise didn't change their love either.

So, a bro/sis relationship is beyond gifts. May be we are calculative about the gifts of some external persons and return the same. But when it comes to blood relatives, such calculations are very harmful.

Ragini25 · Oct 20, 2015

Hate, or wanting to get back, or get even - all these feelings dont affect the other person, these things only affect our own selves

PS:
Life itself is given to us by God, and can be taken away in the blink of an eye, since no
one can predict what happens the next minute even if we walk by in a mall these days.