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Resources and advice for single mothers

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by desilady13, Dec 11, 2013.

  1. desilady13

    desilady13 Silver IL'ite

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    Hello All,

    I had had posted my story a few months ago about how I came out of my long term marriage, after daily fights and an abusive relationship.

    So I have moved to a new city and started my career again, almost a new life again. It's scary for sure, but something we just got to do for survival I guess! Hopefully will be starting the official divorce battle soon too. what I wanted to find out is, how have people with kids coped in making new friends? Any advice in raising the kid? What to tell them, what not to tell them, and when? Any counseling sessions required? Any any useful resources out there available?
     
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  2. manu2009

    manu2009 Silver IL'ite

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    sad about what you are going through, but sometimes though decisions need to be taken. you are a strong person to have taken this decision with a kid in tow....
    kids are very sensitive and understanding...they cope up better than most adults....I am not sure how old is your kid, but it would be advisable to make her/him understand that since you have come to a new city, there will be many new things, new friends, so he/she may not be able to meet the old ones and similarly meeting papa too often would also be a little difficult, so we need to adjust. in doing so PLEASE remember to spend as much of time possible with your kid, so he/she wont feel lost. it becomes real tough to bring back the kid to normal if they feel lost. the sense of insecurity sets in, so please see that you build a strong bonding with them. don't worry all will fall in place. have faith in yourself. god bless.
     
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  3. desilady13

    desilady13 Silver IL'ite

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    Mumpi, thanks for your response. Are you pregnant currently or already delivered? I just read your other post,and looks you have a 2 month baby already and are looking for a nanny? Do you currently have a job or are looking for one? How employable are you? I mean I believe you are on an h4, do you think you can find a job easily if you put your resume out there for employers?

    Secondly, coming to the part of abuse, I am not exactly aware of what kind of abuse it is...has he ever physically abused you? What kind of a personality he has? How long have you been married for? In case you are pregnant, not to put you away with my message- but pregnancy puts various thoughts in our heads - I too kept googling 'how to divorce a husband during pregnancy' but I gave my marriage another chance at that point, and wanted to see how things work, because being pregnant/or even if you have a 2 month old baby it's not easy to be 'stable and make proper decisions' with in family support. Btw, do you have any family/friends support who will stand by you?

    One more thing to remember is, you cannot go to India once you have your kid and/or are unemployed in USA. He can claim rights in your kid, and/or file kidnapping charge or he is automatically entitled to more right over the kid if you are unemployed. You will not be able to stay in US obviously if you are on an h4 and you guys divorce. I see no option other than you find a job, right away. Well unless, he has been very absuive to an extent where you can file with the authorities to get him deported.
     
  4. mumpi

    mumpi New IL'ite

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    Hi Desilady, sorry there are some issues with my IL account, i dnt knw may be the account got hacked or some technical issues my posts and account has been deleted.i am trying to post my comments but failed.

    Thanks for your reply! Ya I put that post to find a nany for my 2 month old baby from october. Since I am on H4 and going through a rough phase of my life, my only option is to join a job and if I can get H1B visa then i can start working from october that time i need someone to take care of the baby. Thats why I put that ad for gathering some information.

    Yes I am on H4 and badly looking for a job and work visa but you its very difficult to get one and moreover he does not want me to join job this year as the baby will be very small.Somewhat may be this point is valid leaving a 2 month old baby and to join a job.
     
  5. mumpi

    mumpi New IL'ite

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    As a part of abusing,I can tell you my story. I am married since almost 2 years.Initially he was good and gentle.There was issues with inlaws.Sometimes he had support me ans sometime not.I started protesting and we always we ended up on a big fight.We are not at al compatible.He used to make mistakes,he shouts a lot,uses abusive languages during fight and once he slapped me also. Every time after fight I was like mentally depressed and many time I thought this is the end and I will go back to India and I will divorce him.But what he used to do is whenever he feels that I am strong and I can leave him he apologies to me, fall on my feet and all dramas.
    And emotionally I used to forgive him and always thought to give him and marriage another chance.My friend and family always suggested me people always change with time.Work out on it,try to change him give your 100% to marriage etc. And accordingly I did that.But his change is just for few days again he misbehaves with me, shouts at me,he says bad thing about my parents and continues.He has thrown me out from the house once.That day also I though
    I will call 911 but I dint coz I dint want to harm him as he is my husband.Like that so many things happened.If mon is fine,tue is again some issue,may be wed and thurs are silend again same story continued.With time he started supporting his parents and not me.I considered that part because I am not staying with them and I have to just face them during India visit which I thought I cud manage.So primary issue is between us.

    Next at the end of the last I got pregnant,he wanted a baby though I thought its too early but I agreed with that as I am not working now and family told he may change after u get pregnant and all.Normal [COLOR=#009900 !important]psychology[/COLOR] of people.I listened to everyone and moved on.I was happy about the pregnancy but he did not change.I was very sick during 1st trimester and he had to contribute in household work and he started making issues on that he has so much of load office + home this that.he never cooked I always cook.

    Small small issues he used to create.Once we had a big fight just a month back and I left to my friends house and thought I will go back to India.Its enough now I cant bear it anymore my body does not permit me anymore.But he came and apologized tried hard to get me back home.I had a [COLOR=#009900 !important]counselling[/COLOR] with my friends, some elder people,with my family and everyone suggested me if you leave him and go back to india like that without taking any legal action here,he can take file a case against you that you ran away,deporting you and many things.So if you cant stay with him better abord the baby,take divorce and leave the country.But honestly I could not abort my baby,I felt its a sin and somehow attached to the baby.
     
  6. mumpi

    mumpi New IL'ite

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    My situation was like at this pregnancy stage without having family here and without any financial support how I will handle the legal matters.What will happen to the baby and I had complications also.Situation was messed up how long I will stay at friend's place.He came there behaved like a gentle men infront of them,fall on my feet and all drama.So everone told me somehow manage till your deivery if he dont change himself and then you can decide.Give him another chance as he asked for.I knew that he will never change.As I had no other option again I came back to the hell.As usual as I mentioned he was for few days and again he started and now I just keep myself cool for the sake of the baby and I just leave when he starts shouting.I am in depression stage.Cant sleep at night,not able to eat properly and other symptoms.I dont know how will I manage the rest of the life.I am not just able to carry on with this married life.I fell its high time now.
     
  7. mumpi

    mumpi New IL'ite

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    But I am worried I dont work now.I was a working women in India and here you know the h4 stories.I need some suggestion.Should I go back to India after the delivery? But at this condition I need child support from him which i dont know he will provide or not as he can easily skip as he will be here and I will be in India.Or should I start job here and take some legal action here.I dont know what should I do.I just gave up.Life is messed up.I hope I could make you understand my situation.

    I understand you have already suggested me to find a job and not to go back to india after delivery. As he can take legal options. What are my options if i want to take any legal action.. any idea?


    Please suggest me dear.I am blank I dont know what to do?
    sorry I had to post small small part as the site could not post the big message once at a time.


    Thanks
     
  8. RedRuby

    RedRuby Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Mumpi, i unfortunately have no suggestions about the legal issues for you but just wanted to tell you that its a very brave dessicion you kept the baby and you should be proud that you are fighting for your both rights and good future :)

    do you have work experience which counts in US or will it be more difficult to find a job?
     
  9. sheri1237

    sheri1237 New IL'ite

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    My situation is similar..so sad..No comments!
     
  10. mumpi

    mumpi New IL'ite

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    Thanks.It is hard to be strong at this situation :(
    I have experience and it can be counted in usa.
     

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