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Resentment And Anger For Mother

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Whyme20, Feb 24, 2020.

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  1. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

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    I am very thankful to all of you who for your open heartedness. It's been very soothing to come here and post my past. Iam taking the needed steps to get where I need to go.
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2020
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  2. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

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    I have also maintained huge distance specially emotional distance with my mom.M accomplishments mean nothing for my mom, before I would seek her approval or praise silently but now it doesn't matter to me. Just so over that now.

    Once my husband and I were talking about day the our match making was done. I asked him why did you yes, he goes he loved the way I carried myself and so on.. then he asked me why did you say yes and I was thinking what did I even say yes....? My dad asked shall we proceed are you happy from this match you can take more time, but mom went on like why won't she be happy he is so fair, she is dark what's there not to be Happy about. Even after so many years I have these words ringing in my ears. Imagine this is the girl, who has done huge office transactions on her own and acheived many perks because of her own capabilities. I do not know which closest did I hide into when it came to personal things. There is a whole lifetime of these incidents.

    Since I started this thread I have introspected a lot. This pain of neglect has been my companion, I have achieved a lot may be I wanted to runaway or may be I wanted to seek approval or praise. After marriage mils insecurities couldn't shake me much because I had faced worst. My husband is very appreciative of that but he doesn't know the reason behind my tolerance. When I became a mother something started waking me up as I entered my 40s I have started introspecting, exploring and shedding. I feel a lot calmer now than I was before.
    New doors are opening now, all this has given birth to huge compassion and empathy in me. My career has been my shield, as a I am coming out of the load of past, I have this new desire or may be inner guidance to change my career to some more compassionate field. I am grateful that I always made right choice, inspite of this life has been kind I was given right opportunities at the right time, a good man to share my life with hopefully someday he will know the cause behind my prolonged episodes of my silence, a healthy child. Life surprises us in many ways.
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2020
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  3. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

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    You just did
     
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  4. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Bronze IL'ite

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    I wrote so much , but feeling uncomfortable writing all details online. The mixed feelings will always be in mind.Some of us get neglected, some of us get overburdened with all the emotional support and responsibilities expected from us at a very young age. It's very difficult to build self esteem on one's own as an adult. Those including me, who said that you should understand your mother's situation - it's not because we dismiss your problems .But we tell the same things to ourselves when we feel wronged about our childhood. Sorry for hurting you.
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2020
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  5. mindwar

    mindwar Senior IL'ite

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    Hello friend,

    Similar story here.Born to a narcissistic mother and an enabling father. My father is like yours. Very lovable man. But does not know right from wrong. Everything is all right by him. Cannot stand up for himself nor for his kids. Stupid as well. Both my brother and I have suffered and have been embarrassed all through our life because of either of their behaviors. My mother has had two miscarriages and I have felt many times why wasn't I one of those lucky ones. That should tell you enough and am not getting into the details of what I experienced. I have written off both my father and mother from my life. I don't have hatred for my dad but cannot stand his stupidity. He does not have an iota of idea how my brother and I are affected till date and talking about it brings zero results. He will just put his head down and become silent. He is such a calm character that he has managed to preserve him intact despite facing my mother's arrogance and anger. My mother completely cut off my father's relation with my aunt(his sister) and my father abided by it. He never feels remorse nor regret about abandoning his sister. My mother has pretty much fought with every relative (both hers and my father's side) that our family stands out like an island. I tasted freedom only after my marriage. Although my husband and I have a good understanding, we have had our share of fights because of my mother. Even after my marriage, my priority was tackling issues at home because I would constantly receive calls from my mom. She leaned too much on me and I was bearing the load to the extent I could. When she started to react negatively to people who were doing her good, I put my foot down and started to move away from her.She turned herself totally against me once she realized am not her golden goose. Today my mom is a stranger or third person to me. I am at total peace with it.

    My mother is a parasite who has latched on to my brother so that she can continue to live comfortably. I am in zero contact with my mother for more than 5 years and my brother maintains zero communication living in the same house. My mother has terrible anger issues and my brother reacted to her in the same way till his early thirties. I used to be supportive of my mom and my brother never liked it. My brother and I never bonded growing up together. My brother, unfortunately, had a brain surgery when he was mid thirties and he survived the scare. His attitude completely changed after that and he consciously started practicing calming down. He became a better person and he has a wife who is kind, large-hearted and supports him fully.

    I just want to tell you one thing. Don't suffer memories. It is the worst punishment you can give yourself more than what others did to you. Don't make the wound bigger than it is by revisiting it in your head. I too did not know how to bond with my daughter for the first few years. If my daughter was talking to a doll, I would get angry at her rather than realizing that is an appropriate kids behavior.

    I started to build my personality from scratch and started to look for role models to emulate. It was a long process and I did a decent job of becoming who I wanted to be. But I didn't know my own faults. I was anxious, negative, self pitiful, wallow in self misery, jealous, wanted sympathy from others. I always felt I was at a disadvantage compared to others not just in terms of parental love. I truly missed having some extended family. I slowly started to build my network independently and even traced my aunt and met her with the help of my MIL. I thought the visit would help me connect with her daughters (whom I haven't seen for two decades) but unfortunately nothing came out of my visit. Don't blame them for it. I am the one longing for affection, not them.

    Anyway dear, long story short...dont cry over split milk.It is not worth it. Dont think your problem is bigger than others. We are carrying the burden from childhood so it seems hard and long. Just keep observing what you are becoming into. Although I have recovered a lot from my past, I still have negative qualities in me that am trying to shake off. Good luck
     
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  6. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

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    @Whyme20 How old is your baby/child? In one post you said, 'my depressiveness'.
    IMO you are thinking too much about past and in great detail. Too much of thinking can cause one to go in rabbit hole.
    You were with your mother for quarter of your life, and three quarter- you will be with your husband. Your husband is amazing and supports you. The way you described yourself- tall, dusky- you must look like a model. You have everything going for you. Only one part of your life was bad, which did have ripple effects on other parts. But still, other parts of your life are amazing. IMHO please work and finish the process (thinking about childhood and finding closure) sooner than later. It has the potential to take you into depressive episodes.

    About my earlier post:
    No one can be told that they are wrong to feel the way, they feel. I am sorry, I said that. I should have been more empathetic. Anyone, coming online and pouring their heart out, is definitely hurting, the least we can do is to be gentle.
    I came here due to bad marriage and emotionally abusive husband. When I wrote that I was hurting, and I really was- I got a reply that trivialized my problems.
    I didn't want to do that the same to anyone else, whatever may be their issue.

     
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  7. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Bronze IL'ite

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    Admire you for having the courage to move away from narcissistic household without guilt.It must take lot of mental strength. Dont know why your brother is living in same household after the surgery and this silent treatment between them - toxic environment is not good. he should not play with his health. He can live with his mom when she is older and not able to take care of herself. Right now he needs to prioritize his health first to. I cant imagine living with someone and having zero communication.
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2020
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  8. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

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    @mindwar you are one brave soul out there, it's so many of us who are on the same boat. Wish you much peace, love and light.

    @hermitcrab my child is 9 years old. The depressiveness happened in the initial years of marriage. When my son was about a month old, unfortunately both my mother and mil happened to be there at the same time. My son looks a lot like my husband. In a room full of people, my mother goes IAM so relieved that my son doesn't look like me because for her I look ugly. My mother in law found something with which she can hurt her dil who is already shattered emotionally. I have been sabotaged very deeply many times. My son is born after 6 years of my marriage. I have answered countless remarks and insults with silence. when you're handed over new responsibilities, new relations, new expectations much before you can take what is already happening sometimes that pushes you in a deep hole. Lifet has still been very good to me. I don't think I can complain much. Right people showed up at the right time. More than three decades of hurt would at least take a few years to leave. At times I do feel thankful for the way everything turned out or is turning up. Sometimes I feel I have many people living many lives inside me at the same time. But may be thats the case with many of us. And please don't be sorry it's an online forum I could only write so much and you had to reply ACC to whatever little information you had.
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2020
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  9. deepthyanoop

    deepthyanoop Gold IL'ite

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    Some of the posts in this thread really brought tears to my eyes. We all have our share of demons inside us, don't we?

    OP,I feel you are in the right track. You identified your roots of problem,childhood trauma from the emotional neglect of a parent. Sadly so many people doesn't realize or accept it as a real problem. But you realized it and accepted the things as they are. That itself is a big step. Now what can you do about it? Talk to someone professional is the first step. Be open to the people who love you. Of course you can get online support here in this forum but you know if you can talk to your husband or give him a clue of the problems you faced, it can be a major change in life. He can understand and support you better. It need not be a long talk or anything if you don't feel like it but some hints here and there about your childhood may give him an overall picture. Don't be afraid to form a support group in your real life dear. You know you need not have to carry this burden alone.

    Sleep well. Avoid the triggers that give you sadness and anxiety. Consciously search for the reasons to be happy in day to day life.Give extra hugs and I love you to your child and husband.Make it a point to sit and talk to your family about your day. Make your bond stronger. They can be your strength!

    Always remember your past is just past. It doesn't define you! They don't have any power on your present and future. That was a nightmare and it is over. You survived it successfully. Cheer up!
     
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  10. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

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    For some time I would be staying away from the thread for good. I thank every who have come here gave their time and support to me.
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2020
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