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Resentment And Anger For Mother

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Whyme20, Feb 24, 2020.

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  1. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    My parents were great during my childhood, they pampered us so much and gave the best of everything. But the minute I got married they completely let go. I was in a 15 year abusive marriage and they just turned a blind eye because they didnt want me back in their house due to society's glare. I got a divorce and their only concern was "Dont tell our friends and relatives about it". My dad is much better but my mom literally tells me "Stay in US, dont come to India. If our family and friends circle know about this its a disgrace. If you remarry its shameful. Stay single only". These things really made me so angry and bitter. I have never had a loving relationship in my life. I am 40 and I want to find a great guy and settle down, but my mom wants me to live a spinster life and shut down all my feelings.

    But then I thought - why the hell will I let this person sabotage my happiness, why the hell will I let this person eat away the little time I have on the planet ? why the hell will I sacrifice my desires and wallow in this anger and lose my peace ?

    So I stopped sharing everything about my personal life to them. I only talk once a week and dont see them at all and prefer it that way. even though so many of my divorced friend's parents supported them financially, physically, emotionally and are even looking for second marriage alliance, I console myself that God has given me the strength to be my own support system and my own cheer leader. So I dont need my parents or anyone. I can find my own happiness.

    LET GO THE ANGER. ENJOY LIFE
     
  2. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    I know what you mean by this actually. I suggested trying to help him because it may provide some measure of solace for you. Whatever works for you, please do that. Please don't stop trying to seek help - be it therapy, reading books, talking to others etc because that's how you will be able to learn to process your loss.

    Maybe because everyone's mother's haven't been perfect. Online, where you aren't sharing much, it's hard to decipher the unsaid. We've all had moms who are human. Our moms have badgered us for our grades, compared us with the neighbor's kids, commented about something about our appearance, favored a sibling one time or another. Even if they haven't favored the sibling, ask anyone and they will say "yes, my mom too preferred my brother over me back when I was in second grade". But then, these mothers have also stayed up all night taking care of our ailments, given us things by depriving herself of necessities, hurt for us and been happy for us, helped us with our babies and bonded with us. Your experience with what seems like a narcissistic mother isn't the norm. Your mom isn't ever going to accept she was wrong and will place the blame on others including the kids. That's not normal. You haven't ever formed the bond with her. That's not something that others, even those that have moms that have done some of the things you have listed in your post can relate to.
    I'm sorry you are hurt and some of the responses are experiences that you haven't experiecned. All I can say is that by trying to heal from your past, you are being the best mom you can be. The birth of your child must have triggered these emotions but by trying to handle them so they don't impact your family, you are already being a wonderful mom.
    Hang in there and hope you get the closure you deserve.
     
    Whyme20 likes this.
  3. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Anger is also a very important part of the grieving process.

    When you become a mom is when you realize all of the things that your mom did for you. As you go through the ages and stages with the child, you not only bond with her but also bond with your mom a second time because your mom was there through those stages of your life. A lot of memories do come up when mothering kids. I called my mom this morning to tell her how I remember her making something for me for my acne and wanted the ingredients. We spoke about this and that from those long forgotten days for a while. Imagine how angry someone would be when they are taking care of a child and realize that mom didn't do that, not only did she not do that, she didn't even acknowledge that for me. It is a loss. A loss comes with grief. Anger is a natural part of the grieving process.
    And yes, she needs to get over the anger but I believe you cannot will your grief away. You cannot just snap out of it. It takes time and effort. The OP has just scratched the surface here. She knows she needs to overcome her anger and her sense of loss. She is trying to find ways to do exactly that and posting here, in a forum of women from the same culture is probably one of the things she is trying.

    This is very different from your parents feeling the societal pressure. We are talking about emotional abuse of a young child. Such things take longer to heal than adults who have differing opinions with their outdated parents.
     
    Whyme20, Amica and Angela123 like this.
  4. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    So many related stories coming up... this thread is getting heavy. I now have learnt that resenting parents is more common than I thought.

    OP, You have been thru a lot , havnt you?..and things are getting added onto every post you make. That is a lot of baggage that you have carried for 40+ years. I totally understand that the pain is unbearable; however; finding ways to let it go as posters suggested is the ONLY way out. May be some spiritual insight, may be some therapy but the record in your brain must slow down. The rinse repeat mode makes your wounds rupture more and never let them heal.
    Hope you find a way to abandon this pain baggage so that you have space for the happy baggage. All the best, you can do this!
     
  5. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @Whyme20, thanks are not necessary.

    Look for a therapist you can connect with. Finding the right therapist is often a matter of chemistry rather than of culture.

    A wise decision. I don't think either of you are ready for this conversation.

    After reading this post, I'm confident you'll get there.

    Define your goals before you go for therapy. What are your expectations? What are you hoping your therapist will do for you? It helps to know what you want before you set out on any path.

    Thank you for reminding me to say "I love you" more often. And welcome to the IL family, @Whyme20.
    .
     
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  6. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @Rihana, you've been through a lot. You are where you are today not because of your past, but rather, in spite of your past.

    I have benefited greatly from your wisdom, strength and knowledge. Thank you!
    .
     
  7. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Its a grieving process but OP has been harboring hatred for decades on her mom, its not healthy and she needs to accept her mom for who she is and move on.

    not all are fortunate to have loving mom, dad, grandparents, siblings, kids, spouse. At point we accept there is no point in expecting love / care from some people as they are not capable of delivering it due to their own limitations..

    you cant keep carrying this burden and anger for decades... OP is carrying this for too long and hightime she unloads it
     
  8. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Ema also who knows she did it willingly or some how the guy made use of the time she being alone at home.

    She can’t tell anybody after that whatever happened, may be he threatened her about it and she had
    to do it?
    Or May She has no courageous enough to oppose, those days women raised differently, even shouting telling everybody, society blamed women only,
     
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  9. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    I watched a movie, in that psychologist says, grief the protagonist holding up because it has become her identity, that incident is central point in her life.

    I too felt our identity is evolving around unhappy or unpleasant situations we faced than happy stuff.

    It has become identity that is why we hold on to the grief, please think in those terms also as it is there for long time
     
  10. nuss

    nuss Finest Post Winner

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    OP- Hugs to you! I sincerely hope that you find the strength to forgive your mother and move on. For those of us who have had similar experiences totally get what you are going through.

    Your post opened some of my wounds. My mother is not much different from yours. In fact, there are so many similarities. My mom was never much of a parent either. I grew up in a nuclear family so there was no bua or daadi to blame. My only bua moved to the USA when I was 4-5 years old and never visited us. My Dadi lived with my uncles and occasionally stayed with us. Mom was never emotionally available. For a long time, I thought that she was working and had a busy life with work, home, kids but after having my own kids I can see that you don't need plenty of free time to be emotionally available to your family.

    Similar to your experiences, she never talked about periods, never showed what to do during those painful days. My dad would make fennel tea or give pain killers but mom would act like she didn't know what was going on. I missed having a close bond (or any bond) with mom. When I broke my arm at 13 and my skin reacted to plaster, dad used to stay up all night soothing the blisters with a cold rag but mom never cared. Now I feel that even when she was financially independent, she might have had low self-esteem issues. Having all girls and constantly getting pitiful remarks from relatives/friends etc about how the old-age will be without a son might have affected her self-esteem. I don't know. In many ways, she was/is too self-centered or needy. When my older sisters got married, she would get angry if they praised their MIL. She would call multiple times if my sister is out with her husband. If we don't call her for a week, she will create all sorts of drama.

    She wouldn't say a word of praise on our face but she would brag about our accomplishments to her colleagues. I guess that's her way of showing affection!

    I have kept my distance for my own mental peace. I call my parents every week as a dutiful daughter but mostly because I don't want to miss talking to my dad. My parents visit me often and even though I don't see developing a strong bond with my mom, I hope I will be peaceful in my heart that I did what I could have to help ease my parents' worries. Sometimes I feel bad because I am not even angry with my mom, I am just indifferent.
     
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