Forgive Enough about my examples. I hope you continue the baby steps. "Forgive" may not happen as your mother is quite old and you are not keen to bring up things with her even excluding the ema. Acceptance is often a good enough state to reach. You wrote that the birth of you child and bonding with her is helping you slowly. Becoming a parent does help. But, it also makes you realize afresh what you missed. As my older child grew, I went through cycles where I thought I understood my mother a bit, and then there were moments when I wondered how could any woman do this to a 10 year old and 12, 13, 14.... My DD turning 16 and 17 were eye-openers for me. I told my husband, I was like her when this/that happened. How could mother??? He had no answer. We sat at the table in the "after dinner" state the plates and our fingers drying for 1.5 hrs while I talked, paused, got lost in thought. It felt like I would need help to get up from the chair when I was done. The articulateness problem Except a few close friends, and my kids to an extent, no one knows. The more articulate, confident and collected you are, the more people think you surely cannot be hurting inside over stuff from decades ago. One friend and my husband have been the beacons or guiding stars. But, it has been so draining. I still had to make two or three solo trips to India during all this. In the last one, I functioned like a drone operated by my husband in the U.S. Our modus operandi was I do not spend more than 3 hours in my parents' house in a 24 hr period. I told him, 'this is the last time I will likely see her alive. today is sunday. all siblings and janta are home. my flight is at 3 am. should i relax the 4 hrs max rule for today." He texted back a simple No. I spent the day visiting old colleagues, shopping, posting in IL and went to the airport 5 hours before flight time, and sat on the shining clean airport floor pretending to myself I am an experienced backpacker who is smart to catch some sleep when he can. I was right. It was the last time I saw mother alive. The human mind is amazing when you allow it your heart and soul to start healing. I who can remember all kinds of dates and non-anniversaries forgot my mother's death anniversary last year. And it's not like she has been gone for too long. Such forgetting must be the final stages of healing. Only time will tell. I might not read this thread for a long time. Whyme, I wish you the best. Above all, I wish you acceptance and peace of mind. Thank you so much for starting this thread. Your posts and some by others have touched me in ways I cannot describe, and validated some decisions though I am past seeking validation.