1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
Dismiss Notice
Coding Challenge for Kids ages 8-18 - Accept the Challenge to WIN $100

Resentment And Anger For Mother

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Whyme20, Feb 24, 2020.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    9,924
    Likes Received:
    24,574
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Forgive
    Enough about my examples. I hope you continue the baby steps. "Forgive" may not happen as your mother is quite old and you are not keen to bring up things with her even excluding the ema. Acceptance is often a good enough state to reach. You wrote that the birth of you child and bonding with her is helping you slowly. Becoming a parent does help. But, it also makes you realize afresh what you missed. As my older child grew, I went through cycles where I thought I understood my mother a bit, and then there were moments when I wondered how could any woman do this to a 10 year old and 12, 13, 14.... My DD turning 16 and 17 were eye-openers for me. I told my husband, I was like her when this/that happened. How could mother??? He had no answer. We sat at the table in the "after dinner" state the plates and our fingers drying for 1.5 hrs while I talked, paused, got lost in thought. It felt like I would need help to get up from the chair when I was done.

    The articulateness problem
    Except a few close friends, and my kids to an extent, no one knows. The more articulate, confident and collected you are, the more people think you surely cannot be hurting inside over stuff from decades ago. One friend and my husband have been the beacons or guiding stars. But, it has been so draining. I still had to make two or three solo trips to India during all this. In the last one, I functioned like a drone operated by my husband in the U.S. Our modus operandi was I do not spend more than 3 hours in my parents' house in a 24 hr period. I told him, 'this is the last time I will likely see her alive. today is sunday. all siblings and janta are home. my flight is at 3 am. should i relax the 4 hrs max rule for today." He texted back a simple No. I spent the day visiting old colleagues, shopping, posting in IL and went to the airport 5 hours before flight time, and sat on the shining clean airport floor pretending to myself I am an experienced backpacker who is smart to catch some sleep when he can.

    I was right. It was the last time I saw mother alive. The human mind is amazing when you allow it your heart and soul to start healing. I who can remember all kinds of dates and non-anniversaries forgot my mother's death anniversary last year. And it's not like she has been gone for too long. Such forgetting must be the final stages of healing. Only time will tell.

    I might not read this thread for a long time. Whyme, I wish you the best. Above all, I wish you acceptance and peace of mind. Thank you so much for starting this thread. Your posts and some by others have touched me in ways I cannot describe, and validated some decisions though I am past seeking validation.
     
    EightKittens, Amica, Laks09 and 5 others like this.
  2. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    70
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks @Rihana your post is very heart touching. I hit menacrh when I was in year 9. I had only a vague ideas about this heard from friends. My mom never made me aware of anything, when I had first periods I got scared we had such huge communication gap that I couldn't bring up her that I have got my first period. I was shocked myself. I didn't know how to handle that, I made my own cotton napkin and used, got many accidents during that time, it went on like this for many months. She knew that I have started getting periods but never brought it up with me either. One my aunty told me that my mom is so mad at me that I have not told her that I am going through menarch. just imagine the struggle of a 15year old. How she could have put it all together. Untill now we have never discussed about my periods, when I started wearing bra, my pregnancy I have done it all alone. I have always felt that I have someone invisible working with me guiding me through its own silent ways, that's why I have survived and have been able to hold myself together.
     
    EightKittens, Amica, Laks09 and 4 others like this.
  3. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    9,924
    Likes Received:
    24,574
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    I already broke my resolve to stay away for a bit : )

    I remember that evening of my 8th grade, including the outline/ shape of the stain. Told mother that it has started. My experience after that was kind of like you've described.

    You will get over all this in your own way. I have. So many have. Give time time.
     
  4. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    494
    Likes Received:
    1,082
    Trophy Points:
    248
    Gender:
    Female
    @Rihana I was openly confrontational about her bad mothering... Because it impacted everything else in my life, I ended up doing badly in career, marriage, general health, mentally etc... I started writing emails, messages to her blaming her for everything.. One of my emails was probably 10 pages long, listed every wrong thing she had done.. She would not accept it, she would instead say how shocked and upset she was , how she was crying and depressed because of what I said.( this wasn't untrue, she would be genuinely upset about it, but still in denial that it was true) I would be guilt tripped by her and my dad for months for anything I wrote..( my dad is her biggest supporter, she is never wrong in his eyes).. And that would be make me even more upset.. This went on for many years. There have been birthdays where she hasn't wished me, months we haven't even sent a hi hello message etc...

    The Delhi gangrape in 2012 actually changed my perspective. Like many many others I was seriously very shocked and disturbed by what happened.. But what caught my attention more was how much love and support the girl had from her family. I was deeply moved reading how much they cherished her and how hard they tried saving her life. When I read the story for the first time, I thought that girl probably might not want to live considering that she would be badly impaired life long... But her will to live despite all this surprised me.. I couldn't understand it at first... It took me while to understand that she had something very strong to live for, and that was her family.. It may sound funny, but when you have a dysfunctional family, you cant understand a badly injured dying girls wish to live so that her family doesn't grieve and suffer. The whole incident made me feel that the only way I could find peace was to feel that my family cares for me.

    I decided to stop the verbal attacks and call a truce... I told my parents that henceforth everyday end of day I would send them a simple short message talking about my day.. My dad jumped onto this enthusiastically and would respond to my messages everyday.. Mom said every day is too much, I will message once a week. I said fine, whatever.. My dad told me later she would read all the messages I sent on his phone.. I stopped expecting a grand apology from her, which I thought was what would heal me... And which I think is the best thing I have done for myself.. Time has healed wounds, she has since over the years mellowed and at times shown remorse for her actions. Time has also made me wiser to her earlier behavior which basically came from her own background where her parents constantly fought, life was unkind to her in many ways etc.. Basically despite everything deep down both of us wanted to repair our relationship. If one party doesn't have the interest to reconcile, then its a tough situation.

    Spiritually I believe we chose the parents we have when we are born to learn some tough karmic lessons.And healing and getting closure is an important part of this.. I believe the solution is different for everyone , but do whatever it takes to heal.. If you have reached a point where thinking of the past doesnt feel like a stab in your heart, I think you have reached a reasonably good place. Sending you and everyone in this thread love, light and peace.
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2020
  5. livingitup

    livingitup Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    30
    Trophy Points:
    38

    @Rihana, I didnt want to hijack this post, but were you ever able to know the reason or realize why your mom preferred your other siblings over you. I have some similar experiences , but never found an answer. Even my husband make fun of me sometimes saying you mom prefers your other siblings over you.
     
    Rihana and Whyme20 like this.
  6. livingitup

    livingitup Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    30
    Trophy Points:
    38
    I see so many thoughts that have been shared on this post, which are bringing back memories and I am tearing up. I dont think my husband knows the extent of my hurt but he knows I am hurt and am not very fond of my mom and that I cannot speak for myself in front of my parents.
     
    Whyme20 likes this.
  7. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    40
    Likes Received:
    46
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Childhood is a special and important time, we need all the love and support to become confident. Childhood we lay many foundations of life, and it is a chain reaction from then on. . But I believe you can truly heal yourself as you started to face your feelings and took many steps . The healing is most important..
     
    Whyme20 likes this.
  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,244
    Likes Received:
    10,285
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    @Whyme20 I am very sorry for not being able to understand your pain from your first post. As @Rihana rightly mentioned, it is never easy for others to understand your pain.
    I should have been at least empathetic. I guess I was. But still, I had this nagging thought at some corner of my mind, that you - as a child could have been spoiled by your paternal grandparents. This happened in many places, including mine.
    My PILs tried spoiling my kids by injecting all the negatives against me.
    They used our circumstance to their favor, and made my young kids think I was a bad mom. Thankfully, the kids were not so dumb to believe everything elders said. As they grow, they were able to experience the real warmth and love of a mother.
    But unfortunately my H and his siblings didn't have that maturity even now. They simply go by what has been taught by their grandparents. They hate their mother, and still have stupid reasons to hate her.
    I used to blame them for being so immature and extremely spoiled. But now, I realize I shouldn't opine like this. There may be so much which I don't understand.
    Your post was an eye opener!

    Exactly...

    In fact, I was a victim of such childhood negligence by mother. I still don't know why my mother hated me, and had favoritism for my brother and sister. I used to think it was because they looked fair and similar to her shape, whereas I was a replica of my father's sister. My mom hated that aunt; hence hated her replica. Stupid me.

    It was not that she abused me or made my life hell. I had an otherwise nice childhood, food, education and everything. I had my dad, grandma, and some close uncles who showered me with so much love. But the vacuum my mom created was still there.

    I have my share of discomforts and disappointments whenever my mother failed me.
    Not to mention the pain when I attain puberty, and throughout my teen times. It was hell, and there was no single day when I didn't cry before sleeping.

    She would often criticize me, compare me to others only to put me down and often made me feel so low about myself.
    She never trusted me, never believed in my abilities..... and what not.

    Whenever I visited my friends, I used to feel so empty by looking at how close they were with their mothers. I never had that closeness with my own mom back then.

    But, that didn't kill my self confidence. Perhaps, luck has favored me. Perhaps, I picked the right rope to climb in my life ladder. I badly wanted to prove her that I am not a failure, I am not like that aunt, but I am unique on my own way.

    My success threatened her. She felt bad and obviously weak when everyone in our circle was after me. She brainwashed me to leave this job and the team that was behind all my success. Perhaps she believed that's how she could continue to mock me.

    She even used critical words like "you are only a money machine, that people are after you only because of that..." which hurt me to the core.
    But I've learned to ignore her words, rather live by what I think is right. This level of confidence (she calls it arrogance) only helped me to cope.

    But the same mother has changed upside down when I fell in life. I almost separated from my H, and lost everything that I earned to my cunning PILs one day; thus decided to end my life. My mom moved in with me, supported me, and sacrificed all her life (moved out of her home, her friends, her hobby and everything) to join me in abroad, and stood by me all the way to build my life up.
    She left my unmarried brother, and pregnant sister to be with me, since she felt I was most vulnerable and needy of her love.
    She bear all the criticism from everyone for abruptly leaving her other two children who were living under her roof back then, but she didn't care.
    Since then, its been almost a decade this 70 year old woman is living her life for me.

    She showers my kids with so much love. She does everything for them, and is not tired of praising them both before everyone.
    She favors my children over her other grandchildren. She is unable to spend even a day without them, and so are they. They are connected in a special way.
    Looking at this, I healed myself, and I don't feel bad for my lost childhood.

    I still don't know why my mother hated me back then, and love me now?
    I still don't know why she didn't cherish my childhood, but worship my kids now?

    Time has its own way to change everything..... You will get over this on your own way....
    Just hang in there!
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2020
  9. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    5,206
    Likes Received:
    7,310
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    I randomly came to this thread..clicked on this one post what I just read broke me to tears..I really don’t know what to say..For a second I felt your pain and it is heart wrenching..Wish I was near you and given you a hug..I don’t want to read or know more coz I know I won’t be able to take it..

    you are one strong women who came through..
    god bless you dear..
     
  10. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    330
    Likes Received:
    648
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    I read your opening post and want to just say this - Anger is a weapon thats going to kill you first.

    Past is past. Why so much anger and animosity now. Stay away from your mom and enjoy life with your husband and kids. Let go the anger dear. Dont wallow in anger and miss good times with your own kids and repeat your moms mistakes
     
    Whyme20 and Sunshine04 like this.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page