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Resentment And Anger For Mother

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Whyme20, Feb 24, 2020.

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  1. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

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    For me it was a bloody hard work first to figure out what is actually wrong with me. Once my husband asked me that at work you are so good in your dealings, you manage your office really well, your accomplishments are well recognized but at home you are roaming around like a lost child. That broke me or may be touched me where it was hurting the most. I cried whole evening. He was puzzled because he had no idea what caused the hurt. He still doesn't know what's wrong with me or anything about my journey, because all looks good from the outside. I still have way to go.
     
  2. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

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    My journey towards freedom from past has started in baby steps. No I don't live with my mother I see her once a year for a month. I can reduce or wouldn't mind seeing her much but I cherish the time spent with dad, he loves my child
     
  3. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Do you have this emotions of hatred once in a while or constantly through out the day ? What calms you down ?
    If you are spiritually inclined maybe reading scripts can help you be at peace
     
  4. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    I myself have been a victim of emotional negligence from my mom.
    Your post brought back some memories.
    Bad parenting does psychologically affect kids.
    Hopefully you will feel better. Your husband is supportive
     
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  5. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

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    Spirituality has been my saviour. I feel like this when I am alone. I try to keep myself super busy, may be thats why I have excelled in my career because I run away from myself. IAM working towards where I don't run but face everything hopefully with compassion.
     
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  6. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks ya husband is supportive in his own silent ways because he doesn't know what to support.Life has been quite a journey. I do feel blessed for many things. I guess this has been my peice of work in this life time. All this has brought huge honesty in me, honesty in emotions, actions and deed. Hopefully someday I will also be honest to my husband. Intially he went mad trying to figure out the cause of my depressiveness, he thought may be IAM not happy from marriage and so on. Sometimes it feels like I have lived half of life in numbness and I have just started waking up now
     
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  7. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    When your mind gets into this thought process how about stopping it and find cues which starred these emotions . What is the end result of these emotions ? It is definitely not making you any better so why foster these emotions again and again ? I understand you becoming mother has brought this out in open but every emotion comes with a expiry period . If you are facing this right now then you can look for solutions . But this is from past . Validating and accepting is ok but carrying through it in your heart is not going to help you . Find the cues and then challenge the mind with a positive solution . I’m not under estimating your pain just that you are suffering for something you didn’t have any say . Either throw it away or swallow it and carry on with your life. This middle ground of being stuck in throat is not good .
     
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  8. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    I happened to get this in feed today, shared when discussing about mental well being, it helped me understand better
    Healing The Emotional Scars Of Hurtful Parents


    @Whyme20 , thanks for sharing your pain. Hope some of the advice given here really helps you, hope you find a better fit therapist and can work you way out. And you have a wonderful DH, and child(ren) to fill the void in your heart and overcome
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    Whyme, I've been reading the posts in the thread, but something kept me from posting. One was that I not able to find the right words. I have learnt to never tell anyone, "I can understand your pain." No one can really understand another's pain. The other is my own survival instinct or whatever that is now a part of the trigger-control I have somewhat mastered. I stay away from thinking too deeply. I can share some of my experience and hopefully that will provide some perspective.
    Yes, it takes time and years. Part of the reason is we still crave for a more perfect childhood, and part is your know instinctively no one will understand. And the big Noble prize we give be default to parents for bringing up children.

    In days of yore, a woman complaining about her husband would be told, "he doesn't drink, doesn't gamble, doesn't chase other women, count your blessings." Like that, we are told to count our blessings, the things parents did right etc. In that list what bothered me the most was that my present state of life was presented as a reason to let go of the past. "You have this, that, this, that... what more you want?"

    In your first post, you gave examples. I have my own list of examples that I have stopped listing. The problem with examples is that people find a bright side or explanation for each one. One example that I vaguely think of sometimes but it never entered my oft-quoted : ) list: At 12 or 13 yrs, I told my mother about a sort of ache in the chest area. She laughed and said oh yeah happens when growing. That's it. I was 14 and still didn't start wearing a bra to school or at home. One time in school there was a cultural function and we were going to wear half-sarees with blouse. A bra became a necessity due to the dance steps. Only then, I got an old one from older sibling. I don't know why I was not guided to start wearing one earlier when older sibling had started wearing it when needed. If I mention this people can say, 'be thankful she made such beautiful frocks, lehengas, and uniforms for you.'

    For engineering college, we had the counseling appointment where you go and based on your rank you choose the college and engineering branch. Just wait for your rank to be called, go to an available counter and decide college and branch in 2 minutes. Neither parent came with me; a sibling was asked to go along when I asked who will come with me. Similar academic milestones for siblings were big fanfare. I was the brightest academically by any measure. People and relatives can say, "be thankful she insisted on importance of school, homework and studies."
     
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  10. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    You've been asked here why you are forgiving your father or not blaming him.

    I wondered why even I find it so easy to forgive or never even started to blame my father. Your mention of EMA made me remember something that I hadn't thought of in decades. And I have thought for a day if I want to write about this. I used to have half-day school. Father's work place had shift system. Employees switched shifts by rotation. When father used to be at work, his colleagues/family friends who had a different shift that week used to come and chat for 2-4 hours with "Didi" (my mother). I was home sometimes. It was all innocent. But was it? Years later, my mother told me, "your father doubted me. he called me this, that."

    In their time, people got married and started popping out babies within a year. My father got her birth-control pills that I think were used for about 8 yrs (accounting for TTC and pregnancy times). 18 years after discontinuing the pills, mother had some uterus related issue (common one). She told each of us siblings that it was caused by our father. We believed her.

    My father wrote to me often after I moved to the U.S. All my cards and letters to him were censored by my mother. She read through all the pages before giving them to him. All laughed it off calling it 'censor board.'
     
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