1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Resentment And Anger For Mother

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Whyme20, Feb 24, 2020.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,240
    Likes Received:
    2,583
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    OP. I still dont understand what your mother did to you. She didnt abuse you.

    Your only complaint is -"She was never there for us emotionally". What do you mean by that ?what else she could have done. She always took care of you. May be she dont know what else do other than doing her duty (you are looking at what is missing. Not on her positives). People can use detachment as a method to survive an unhappy life.

    I have seen many women who dont have any capability as a home maker . Its not their fault. May be they lack the capacity to do it. But their husbands support them. But there are also women who can do multitasking like a being a good mom or professional.

    Think in her shoes.. She was married to a person who dont support her or love her(if so he might have supported her - a loveless marriage?. Its can be a reason for resentment towards your DAD . Have you read a post on divorce after 25 years due to PILs issue? Its tough to face that.)
    Second she suffered a lot in your dads home -worst MIL , SIL situation.. Your dad and grandma did more damage to your brother not her. Leaving kids to grandma is not an uncommon situation in India. But grandma should be blamed for the negativity she build in your brothers mind. May be your mother dont have any voice there.

    I think she didn't have any choice. She suffered silently and became numb . But I appreciate that she had the motivation to work and save for kids.May be an escape from the home. She did most of the things a mother generally do in India. Took care of you..

    If she had a loving home with a supporting husband, your and mothers experience would have been different . EMA is wrong. No doubt. But its the issue between your DAD and mom. You only know a few things.. May be there are so many other things you dont know about your DAD or mom.

    I think you should blame your DAD for creating this mess. He was never there emotionally. Your mom was abused like anything and she found solace in EMA i think (may be revenge).. But these are our guess. Only your mom know the truth on how much she suffered or what was in her mind.

    Why dont you take your mom out and share your feelings. Talk positively. Share your sorrows. May be she will open up.. Try to see the positives and blessings. She is old. Try to build a good relationship and enjoy the rest of the time with her.

    Past is done. Try to forgive and move on else you will suffer.

    I think this is the impact of abusive marriage/environment on children. This is the reason why its important to be a strong woman and stand up for yourself &kids and be a good role model for your kids. That's why Ilites suggest that very often. But all are not super women. Only a few can do it. Thats the mistake your mom did-She didnt stand up for herself . May be fearing society. She was a victim in many ways.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2020
  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,244
    Likes Received:
    10,287
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    I begin to think that there should be much more than what you have openly shared here about your mother.

    From what you have shared, there is nothing wrong from your mother. And I hardly see any serious reason to hate her like this.

    In fact, if I were you, I would have hated my grandma, aunts, dad and the social norms first before I find any fault in my victimized mom. In fact, if I were you, as a DD I would have stood by my mom at least as I grow/begin to understand life against all these abuses.

    As a working woman, she must have her own reasons to leave one kid behind whenever she went out.
    My mom and MIL have done that in the past. It is more common in joint family where many kids also live. The youngest child, or the most naughtiest child gets to stay at home with elders, while the others go outing.
    Sometimes, they take turns and leave the elder or middle kid at home too.

    Parents don't really work hard to create emotional bonding among siblings. There are orphan kids, who have great bonding for each other. It is the home that generates such atmosphere for emotional bonding.
    Imagine, your mom was being abused in a home, lives in a loveless marriage yet she has no avenue to vent outside, and leads a very submissive life.... how on earth she can do anything to make her home lively????

    And finally her EMA.... It was wrong. But she was being human, and her circumstances are also to be blamed here. It is something very hard on a child to witness. It is very hard to digest and bury. But accept it as part of life.
    Your mom was living in a loveless marriage, abused, and not respected. In such a state, it was nearly normal for a woman to lose control as this.
    I believe she has come out of this lust quickly, and didn't continue this forever.

    Nevertheless, I would hate the father..... He was the culprit, and a failure. A dad's role is not only providing for the family, but also securing everyone physically and mentally. He must have secured his wife from all the abuses that she went through. He must have laid strong foundation to the relationship. He must have prevented his mom and sisters from abusing his wife.
    What was his role when mom left your brother behind for outings? why didn't dad take him with them?
    What was his role when mom was submissive and didn't take actions to create bonding between you siblings? Why can't dad do something about it?

    You sound like a spoiled kid, who has been emotionally brainwashed against mom by someone?
    But I am sad to read that you still use the same scale to judge your mom.
    Can't you really find any other reasons to love her, accept her and move past the unwanted memories?
     
  3. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    494
    Likes Received:
    1,082
    Trophy Points:
    248
    Gender:
    Female
    Op, I spent a huge portion of my life with similar issues with my mother. On a scale of 10 our relationship was between 4 to 0 for the longest time.... I was filled with hatred, fury ,I was like a caged animal.. Wanted to see her suffer, but it dint really help me better, its a long story... I started reading and grasping the concept of forgiveness 10 years ago... It took a while, a long while.. I really had to make a conscious effort on my part.. I had to realize that forgiveness doesn't mean you condone someones actions but you try to empathize what drives a woman to behave badly with her children. and you decide that henceforth your life is your own and your past doesn't control you.

    I had to say and think this over and over again and slowly without realizing one day I had no more anger left, only empathy.. And it also helped that my mother also changed to be a better person over the years.( again ups and downs here, hasn't been a smooth curve).. We aren't best friends today, but we have a decent cordial and communicative relationship.
    Please learn to forgive , not for anyone else sake but yourself.. As children we are under control of our parents and there is nothing we can do, but as adults we have better control of our lives.. and we have to let go of our past to live a better future.


    I think you should definitely talk to your mother and spill out everything. I would definitely do that if I was in ur place.. You need closure and without hearing her side of the story, you aren't going to get that..
     
  4. Raffaello

    Raffaello Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    69
    Likes Received:
    81
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Never let the bitter pill swallow you... What seems to be unfair to you might seem normal for her at that stage of life, so just because she did that this and you have ingrained so much hatred don't let yourself sunk in that ship.. You have a child, bestow the love in a positive way and try to come out this negativity as this will slowly destroy you. She might be the bitter person not a best mom etc ... ut you're not. Always remember that...
     
    Whyme20 likes this.
  5. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    759
    Likes Received:
    908
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Can understand your feelings, but all others already made relevant points, your mum is not the only one to be blamed...your dadi, and father played major roles in creating a bad family environment and not giving you a happy childhood...
    Your mother was already a victim of domestic harassment and a love less marriage..she did what was possible to bring up her kids and educate them ...Shen might have been to emotionally drained out herself to emotionally connect with kids or be affectionate or caring to them...maybe she had the resentment of being stuck in bad marriage for the sake of kids...her bitterness and hatred for her situation hasn’t come out in different ways...not saying the mother did everything right...but she can be forgiven...the EMA thing is her personal problem , doesn’t have to be brought up home she is so old....maybe this is the time for her to get some love and affection from children and live remaining years peacefully...respect her as a mother, but dint expect unconditional love at this long of time...it’s pointless to think about past and brood...learn from your mothers mistakes and be a better or best mom to your own kids, that’s all I can suggest...
     
    Whyme20 likes this.
  6. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    357
    Likes Received:
    498
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Sorry for the long post. @Whyme20 , this is no way taking over your original post. I had to share this here.

    Whyme20, Unlike other people say, there is nothing wrong from your mom's side, I think I understand what is going on. What you went through is not the same with me, but I think to some extent I can empathize.
    When I saw the post about your mother, I wanted to share something that was similar. My mom and dad left me and my sister with grand mom because of their work. They moved back when I was in 2nd grade. My mom is also submissive and she is that person who is very angry when I do something bad. She always criticize me and my sister so much, but rarely say a good word when we do something good. Me and my sister were 2 years apart and we used to do all household chores when we were just in high school - cooking, laundry, cleaning the house - every weekend. Otherwise my mom will be mad and she won't talk to us for days. We were so afraid of this and so we used to do all the work, no maids hired, even though when I look back, my parents had money, I don't understand why they didn't hire anyone. Our weekends were so hectic. We will be thinking we did all good and suddenly she would snap at us for some silly thing. With only sunday off, and we always have relatives visiting unannounced. Our Aunts, Uncles would all praise us for being such nice homely girls and my mom would right away point out what we did wrong. That is probably the only wrong thing we did the whole week. I still remember our house warming day (I was in 12th), I was cleaning up the pooja room and my mom got mad at me for something. My aunt spoke up to her and said " they (me and my sis) woke up at 4.30 and they helped everyone get hot water for bath and served them breakfast, don't yell at them". This was an eye opener for me, I never thought someone will be there to defend us, it felt good. I still cried.

    My dad is very supportive of my mom, and he won't say anything against her. but she still will criticize him. ALWAYS. I have seen my dad being so much stressed because of her constant nagging. I learned when I was in high school that my mom had breast cancer through a neighbor because my mom chose not to discuss this with us ever, to this date she never talked about it. Even if I tried to have a discussion she avoided it and never talked seriously about it. I understand she has gone through a lot and dad was there for her and he knows why she is the way she is. But her character of being quiet and snapping at us and not openly discuss had given us life long character flaws, I think. I would never talk anything openly to my mom or dad, I never had courage to speak up. I fear I will be yelled at so I was always nervous. But if I felt angry I thought it is okay to snap at people. She never encouraged us or supported us or would just hear us out. Whenever I bring some serious discussion, my dad and mom would take it very lightly and dismiss it. If it was anything serious, their reaction would be silence. Dad would avoid mom and quietly ask as what he can do, but he never dares to speak that in front of mom.
    Her constant criticizing affected my self esteem very much. I had zero confidence and always afraid of people. I was able to get out from in to some extent. When I moved out after i got a job. But those early character issues like not speaking up, being very (annoyingly) quiet, and nervous to speak up stuck with me. Because I always thought it is my fault, even if it is not my fault. I would snap at people just like her and think that's the way to do it. I had a very steep learning curve when i got married, because I was scared to death about communication. From outside I was that perfect DIL who was very submissive and did all the house chores (thanks to mom, who got just what she wanted) and took care of in laws. When I became a mom, I knew what not to do. having said that, I did inherit a lot of good qualities from her and I am grateful for that. I do not have hate for her, I love her and respect her for all she has done for me. She provided for me, she earned, took care of me and spent money for me when I lived with her. I am just sad that we don't have a great bond like other mother daughters do. I made peace with the fact that she is not that kind of mom who sits with me when I am sick and nor does she can do the fun things all other mothers would do. But I am thankful to her a lot because I am where I am because of her, I give credit for me too, but the original reason is her, that I cannot deny.

    The power of mother's love and encouragement is huge. So when other fellow ilites say they don't agree with OP, I respectfully disagree. Lack of attention from mother can cause scars that can last forever. It is hard to explain, but it does happen.
     
  7. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,855
    Likes Received:
    8,038
    Trophy Points:
    460
    Gender:
    Female
    We feel the way we feel. There's no right and wrong when it comes to our emotions. No matter how many words are typed here, it is impossible for readers to fully grasp OP's experiences.

    Forgiveness is a good goal but to get there you have to work through your memories and fully process the past. Ignoring, denying or forgiving and forgetting past pain simply binds you tighter to it.

    OP, I'm glad you got therapy and are talking through your experience. I hope IL can help you and others who've survived similar childhoods.

    I'm sorry your mother lived in an unsupportive and abusive household. It's not, however, an excuse for failing to provide her kids with a loving and happy childhood. Your feelings — even those of anger and resentment — are fully justified, IMO. Yes, she lived with abusive in-laws and yes, her life wasn't great but that's no excuse for failing as a mother to you. There are many women who live in terrible circumstances but do everything in their power to give their children the best childhoods possible. We've had many posters over the years who've started threads here about being in exactly your mother's position and ILites have always stressed the welfare of their kids.

    Children should be the priority in every parent's life. The fact that the mother's in-laws and DH are greater failures does not absolve her. Your mother neglected her responsibilities. Instead of embracing her children, she saved herself by working and getting herself out of the home for a few hours every day. Reading between the lines, I'm guessing there weren't a lot of hugs and I-love-yous in your childhood and that can have a huge impact on a child.

    Love is just as essential to development as are food, shelter and clothing. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Children raised in abject poverty by loving parents often rise above their circumstances and excel in life. Children who are emotionally deprived, regardless of material wealth, often struggle. That's why we have the phrase "poor little rich kid."

    I don't quite understand why some posters feel that a woman should be excused for an EMA (where her child could witness it, no less!) because she had a loveless marriage. Or why the OP who survived an emotionally deprived childhood is not allowed to express feelings about her loss.

    You have a right to love and be loved, OP. Kudos to you for acknowledging your experiences and feelings. Kudos to you for getting help. Kudos to you for making sure your children will get the maternal love you didn't.

    You don't have to make daily calls to your mother if it causes you anger and resentment. You owe your children a happy mother. Do what it takes to get there.

    You are an articulate, insightful and strong adult. You've found it in you to seek emotional support. And even found it in you to support your brother and the mother who failed you. I hope you work through the bitterness and find the peace you seek.
    .
     
  8. Swetha52003

    Swetha52003 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    43
    Likes Received:
    63
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    OP, the above two posts did give me some insights. Amica rightly said,there is no right and wrong about our emotions. You only know how deep your scars are.
    Please talk to someone close! I really wish you find peace and happiness that you deserve. Best wishes!
     
  9. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    70
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
  10. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    70
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    @Angela123 @Amica thank you so much, I read and reread your posts countless times and cried buckets. The words of your posts and the tears brought huge healing to me. I really wanted to open to some one from same ethinc background. My therapist was a Westerner, she tried to help but I could not form that bond with and her and I do not know, if it was shame or fear of being judged I could not go to an Indian therapist. I have very good sister like friends but I could never share these things with them. Could never share much with my partner. I didn't know how badly hurt I was untill I became a mother myself. After that those deeply burried, hidden and forgotten memories started coming on surface. I hated becoming a mother, but thanks to something unknown that I could acknowledge it before it was too late. I found my solace in spirituality but I still have deal with it, I am giving myself time before a proper healing can take place. But when I think of the damage my mothers neglect has done to my brother, it fills me up with huge anger and pain. I guess this is my share of pain and loss which I have to deal with in this life. I once again thank you both from the depth of my heart, probably you have no idea what you have given me. I kept coming back to your posts and will do it again and again. Thank you so much.

    To those who think that I should hate my daddi and bhuas first my answer to them is that no I have no right to hate them because they did not give birth to me and my brother. To those who have suggested by that I should hate my father first probably you do not know what my pain is because you are not in my shoes,but still my take here is that I can never hate my father because he was the one because of whom I could feel the real love of a parent. My mother brought us up as if she was doing a duty, we wore clean clothes, there was food on table, we got ready for school on time, but my dad's cuddles had huge warmth in them, I still feel that warmth today. Yes he may not have stood by me mother against his mom but never disrespected my mother. When my mother would endlessly compare us with other children my father would often tell her that do not forget we are the ones who she gave birth to. Those words brought huge peace of mind and comfort to little hearts.

    I know many of you feel that neglect was a norm in those days and thos who are neglected should feel ok because it happened with many is like, as if someone has been murdered and we all should feel ok with it because there are many who are murdered.

    To the ones who have suggested by that I should talk my heart out to my mother including her ema, I would say that I don't think I will do that. She is 70+ I do not want her to feel ashamed of her actions now, at least I do not want to be the reason for that. I know it will hurt her, that hurt may come with many physical and emotional consequences. I do not have energy to walk that path.

    Once I process this anger I would be grateful if I am able to walk the path of forgiveness. I know I have to do that for my sake. One good came out of this is that it made me a better mother. I am thankful for my child for making me take that road.

    I am very by thankful to all of you for sparing your time for this thread and pouring in What you felt best in your own abilities.

    @Amica and @Angela123 I don't know where in the world you are, I want to tell you that I had a very intense day today. Thank God I was by myself at home today. for a few moments it felt like IAM crying on your shoulder. Thank you so much, may be you have no idea what you have given me. Thank you so much for your kindness.
     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2020
    EightKittens, Amica, Roar and 5 others like this.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page