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Resent Husband And No Intimacy

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by star90new, Oct 14, 2018.

  1. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with @GlobetrotterG, OP has had ample counseling to figure out marital issue, and after 3 years no resolution or improvement?

    Why is keeping this marriage together so important to you @star90new? You say that you are not attracted to him, so is it a financial or social security reason that keeps you married? You also mention that you are tempted to have an affair. Well, considering your completely uninterested husband, do you think he would be ok with that arrangement? Will you be ok with it, if he was ok with it? I mean, that would mean, he has no intention of ever having a normal marriage with you.

    I don't want to seem really mean or confrontational, but I really don't understand the benefits of staying married to someone you don't like and doesn't like you.
     
  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    After interacting with many male friends, I have come to understand what exactly their minds are.
    Unlike us, they don't open up much. But it doesn't mean they care less about these compatibility and chemistry matter in a relationship.
    At least guys of this generation are very much picky in this case.

    You guys have got married without checking anything whether you two have chemistry or compatibility in anything. It is strange in a way to get into such a long term commitment without looking into such details.
    To check the chemistry and compatibility, you don't have to fall in love or hang out with each other for years. It is just a feeling, and within days your mind will tell "this is the guy/girl" something like that.
    And I am sure, both of you were adult enough to feel it without giving in too much to your hormones and emotions that basically comes out of infatuation and lust after interacting with an opposite gender.

    Now that, I don't see that your H is attracted to you.
    Basically, men don't feel the attraction in an intimate relationship based on the looks, but based on the appeal they see in a woman.
    So, you being fat or manly shouldn't be the issue here. But him having no attraction towards you is the problem.
    And naturally we can't force anyone to feel attracted and have chemistry with someone they don't really feel connected to. Just because you two are married, doesn't mean these things happen naturally.
    And it is important you guys should realize this at your earliest without any blame game.

    See, I know of a couple who are happily married despite of differences such as the lady is 7 yrs older to him, a divorcee with a kid, and looks obviously older than her H.
    But they are such a cool pair.

    At the same time, I know of a tragic divorce that's still in the court where the lady looks no less than an actress, with a charming character. That guy for whatever the reason did not like her, and their marriage did not prosper.

    And more importantly, I've seen men and women fall for EMA or on-line relationship with unknown people for the very reason that they miss romance, companionship and sex in their marriage. They put up with everything for the kids, and society and end up meeting their fundamental physical and social needs with someone who feel connected to them out side of the marriage.
    This often ends in an ugly way affecting everyone concerned.

    Better, realize what's the problem is... accept it, and move on with your own life.
    Even a single life ever after is much better than a suppressed and depressed life like yours, in any case if you are over thinking about the practicalities of re-marriage and social stigma down the line.
     
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  3. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,

    It sounds to me... your DH may have planned well even before the marriage and in fact 'targeted' you by knowing about your parents, background, relatives circle that will not even question him if anything came up later in life. From day one, he seems to be acting and avoiding you very well. Indeed, very clever and turning the story around saying that you had past relationship, not good looking, etc.

    No parents will blame their daughter for this particular reason. Just talk to your parents / elders on your side of the family. You should have opened up within 3-6 months of your marriage.

    I heard something like this happened to one of my class mate; she was repeatedly told by her husband as not good looking with facial hair (that guy made her believe, she had mustache growing on her face). She was put down on her appearance, she blamed herself without saying anything to her family and her parents eventually realized that her marriage wasn't consummated. She became so confused / disturbed, and shaky even to face people in daily life when she got out of the marriage. It took her parents years of treatment to bring her back to normal life.
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2018
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  4. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    I second it
     
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  5. nandita24

    nandita24 Gold IL'ite

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    You cannot get better advice than this. Go ahead boldly.
     
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  6. GlobetrotterG

    GlobetrotterG Silver IL'ite

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    It looks to me there are both sides to the coin. From your side, you are going through a lot of fear on what his and his family's perception of you having a boyfriend before marriage

    I recently watched the Movie '96'. I do think there are guys out there, who take things really to heart. And this stops them from going ahead in life.

    So, please figure out whats stopping him.. and address that aspect.
     
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  7. star90new

    star90new Bronze IL'ite

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    I think he would leave me if I have an extra marital affair.(he has said he won’t be able to tolerate that). He has some positives like he treats my family well and has cooked for me a few times. He doesn’t snt care about me in any other way. Wont even call to checkup , if I am unwell.
     
  8. star90new

    star90new Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes I am afraid of revealing as he has threatened me already. My parents trusts him and they consider relationships before marriage taboo.
     
  9. star90new

    star90new Bronze IL'ite

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    When I first found out that he watches he was watching normal lovers ****(females aged 30+). When I asked about this , he said his colleague watched on his laptop. This was few days after the wedding. After that I caught him few more times (this time on mobile) and I find him watching normal ****(girls and early to late 20’s) .Most (99%) are not s** but foreplay.

    He has body esteem issues aswell
     
  10. star90new

    star90new Bronze IL'ite

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    The issue is , there is a small part of me which regrets previous relationship and I feel I have lost my dignity. At times , I myself dont feel that I am worthy of affection from my husband.
     

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