Relationships With Extended Family, Dh And Impact On Teenage Kids

lavi2016 · Jan 1, 2017

Happy New Year everyone. I want to keep this post as positive as possible and do something different this year to mend the situations as much as possible. Last 3-4 years have been rough on us, with few things not going as expected and my relationship with in-laws going downhill. With that, our married life took lot of hit too because of dh's changed attitude. There is lot of blame gaming and feel kids are getting caught in between inspite of trying very hard to keep things civil.Since they are in a vulnerable age, I dont want my problems to have any long term impact on them. Mainly I will have to learn to stay
Calm and proceed with a sense of duty. I am the sole care taker with a demanding job with my husband pitching when he is not sulking but I
Can't rely on him for anything much. I can already see how my older one feels better off among her friends than having a family dinner. Some of it might be just a teenage thing but definitely family situations not helping too. They are also getting a cue of complaining, whining and behaving badly towards me from my husband. They are good kids, getting good grades and all but I feel my efforts of toiling from morning to evening are unappreciated and at the end of day I am not able to keep anyone happy including myself. It is very difficult to talk to my husband, he is so caught up in his parents thing that he can't see the damage to the kids. Sorry for the long post. Looking for any suggestions and similar situations.

bhargavi88 · Jan 2, 2017

Can totally understand how you feel.Yes you are right we should not include elders fight amongst our lo.Get them to bond.Try talking to your in laws tat if things r strained it might affect the relation among them and their grandchildren.Our parents love our children more than us.Its like a breathe of fresh air for them.Mebe you can get them engaged by askin ur kids to take ur mil to temples..tell ur children the value of grandmas and grand dads and tell them how every relation is important..Friends,Yea they are important at this age.But grandparents very important.And as for you mebe you can take a break with your husband from work take. Vacation and leave the kids wit the grandparents.Its like two in one..Everytng is a suggestion.Hope it helps..

lavi2016 · Jan 2, 2017

Thanks for the response. My relation with my Inlaws at this point is not something that can be fixed easily. We are just cordial at this point and even if my kids talk to them they do have the habit of saying something about me and my parents which I do not like. We are in US and they are in India. Kids do understand the coldness in the relation. But it may be the strained relationship between dh and me because of them that might be impacting kids more. I hang on to my job too because of all this as I feel I need to get out of the home.

guesshoo · Jan 2, 2017

I'd suggest that you bond with the kids on a one on one basis. Take them out seperately once or twice a month. Focus on enjoying yourselves. Spoil them a little. Chat with them. Tell them stories about your childhood. Your education. Anecdotes from work where you are valued. Any charity that you did which was appreciated. Let them see you do acts of kindness. That will help them see you as an individual. Don't forget to ask about themselves.

When they are disrespectful/ unkind/ rude/ ungrateful, say so - not aggressively but assertively. Give them chores so they help out around the house when you are doing chores too.

As for talking ill about you and your parents, hold them responsible for their unkindness. Tell them it is unacceptable that they think they can talk ill of someone to someone else. Of course it will be important that you set an example by making sure you don't talk ill of the ILs to your friends and family, especially when your kids are at home.

I don't know what to say about your relationship with your husband. Yes he is damaging them and setting a poor example. If talking to him doesn't help, you might be better off treating him the same way as the kids when he behaves badly.

As for your ILs, if building bridges isn't immediately possible, just live your life. It is indeed important that you go to work - as you say, it helps with your sanity. Good luck and happy new year.