Relationships: Sweet N Sour

You said it!

 

This is one of the biggest area of INSECURITY for a mil.

*With the arrival of dil, son spends more time with her. What if he discards or distance the mother? So to strengthen her position and retain her grip over her son, she starts highlighting dil's inefficient/inexperienced ways of working/shopping. Dil will rebel; the new game of cat n mouse chase begins.

*Mil tries to hold on to the position of power by keeping a tight vigil on shopping and shopping expenses. Money means power! Either she literally strangles the dil with restrictions or successfully proves that the dil is wwwrrrooonnngg!

*In the initial years dil needs more help in terms of establishing, pregnancies, child-rearing etc Once the mil-dil animosity begins, mil will show her true powers and tries to subjugate the dil. In the later stage, when the dil's position strengthens and mil grows old, dil takes the revenge!

*Dils generally enter matrimony with a lot of misconceptions; the biggest being about mil!
No matter what the mil does, however correct or good she is, due to preconceived notions the dil HATES everything said or done by mil and blows every little thing out of proportion. This also creates permanent rift.

*In the patriarchal system a woman dislodges herself to establish herself in HIS house. Often this lends her powerless, there is power imbalance. A man may use it to his advantage. One alternative could be that the couple should move into a new base as equals and begin afresh. Still, would he be ready to let go his years of conditioning and perks of being a man?

*Since mil is older, she should take the initiative for good relationships. The way most parents of girls are mentally prepared to be away from their daughters, they should now learn to be away from the sons also.

*Loneliness, a sense of abandonment, awkwardness with children and their spouses, financial woes, I'll health...of the parents is a genuine issue!

*Another round of insecurity begins! This cycle is difficult to deal with.

Just some random thoughts!

 

GB,
You have every right to your POV.

Mindless gossip: I have witnessed this even within my family among some male members, among my male colleagues and friends. Like women, even men experience jealousy, they too gossip and backbite. May be it is a human tendency or is it animalistic tendency? We see jealousy even among dogs and cats. Only comparative percentage may vary.

You are absolutely right; this is indeed a passive form of power play.

From what I have read, some of the reasons attributed are-

*Since the time of our cave dwelling ancestors, men worked in groups as their activities were risky. Hence they automatically accepted and adhered to hierarchy, group play etc.

*Secondly, their primary focus is again a group activity like games, market or politics. They need one another for engaging in passionate debates, to create opinions and again leadership hierarchy in that process.

* But when they are in family circles or office private circles men do indulge in gossip and backbiting.

*Rarely do fil and son-in-laws work together. In such set ups animosity is commonly seen between them too! Otherwise, since son-in-law controls their daughter's fate, girl's parents swallow a lot of anger and frustration to put up a respecting facade.

* In case of women, we don't have the need for cohesive group activities, in general. It is always temporary need based grouping. As a result each woman operates like an island where she is the queen. Women don't have that natural hierarchial patterns. (Latest picture may be different as women have already started adopting traditional male works and thought processes) It may take us ages to change our original DNA imprints.

* In a domestic set up, both mil and dil are forced to work in the same work arena (home and kitchen) and for the same goal. (husband or son's attention) Whether they like it or not, traditionally they are pitted against each other! Both strive for leadership; no hierarchy here.

*Most women while growing up receive subconscious messages telling them they are inferior so, they are expected to restrain natural urges, etc. As a result women do tend to compare themselves with others a lot! (Even men do it on and off) This perhaps propels some women to indulge a lot in gossip and backbiting.

*With maturity and acceptance a lot of these should reduce. Though there is no guarantee to this!