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Relationships Forum Chatter & Grey Matter

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rihana, Jun 22, 2016.

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  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Actively and consciously looking for greener pastures is rare. EMA's happen. Then, the two spouses and judges like us look at the marriage. Some simply blame the cheater and give all sympathy to the cheated. Some like @madras2018 and me are more nuanced in our judgement. We transfer some of our sympathy to the cheater if we see willful negligence on the part of the cheated, and if we see that the cheater tried to fix marriage before the cheating. Giving some sympathy to the cheater is different than condoning the cheating. Again, takes a nuanced mind, heart and eye to discern the fine difference between sympathy and condoning.

    It is also human to wholesale-ly blame only the cheater. To right with the cheated is a nice feeling. One feels one has done the 'right' thing and one's job of casting a stone. To think about the cheater, why he/she did it, and to give some sympathy to the cheater takes a compassionate, discerning and inclusive outlook.

    No separation or divorce is pleasant. More so, when there is a child involved. And, often the one who wants the divorce is painted black. Human nature. We want to see less marriages break up.

    The dad in that thread also has a responsibility to maintain a healthy marriage for the child. Being willfully negligent in a marriage with a child is more wrong than being so in a marriage that has no children.
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2017
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  2. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Lots of things happen Rihana...we do not have to agree or accept them as right.
     
  3. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    So true ! I wld like to mention one more thing... When we as women make a commentary that intimacy issues is not a good reason to divorce, it puts vulnerable, unhappy women into a self destructive path. Their marriage is not conducive to deliver the happiness they seek and marriage is like a prison where other suitors are out of reach. Is it any wonder why there is a spike in clandestine affairs and murders stemming from sexual jealousy ? Instead why not let the steam off this pressure cooker of a sexless marriage ? If this isnt working, leave it and try something else.

    This cheating episode is a huge wakeup call to the man as far as i am concerned. It can either bring the 2 ppl close if they both see why it failed & want to fix it. Or it can be the first step the woman can take to take charge of her life and move fwd with divorce.

    I will share a true story that my counsellor once told me - a couple in their early 30s she was seeing had a child and had major intimacy issues due to the man's poor technique to begin with and later compounded by performance issues due to diabetes . They were as "traditional" as it gets...arranged marriage and solidly middle class, tam brahm family. One day the man found out the woman was having an affair and she was also pregnant by the new guy. This shocking episode brought them to the counsellors office. The woman went on and on abt how she was disgusted by her husband, how the new guy was so caring and attentive in bed etc and she wanted a divorce. Believe it or not - the man, although angered and humiliated by all this, spent some time thinking abt the whole thing. He told his wife how sorry he was, he truly loved her, he did not want to lose her inspite of all this and that he would be happy to learn and do what it takes to please her. He also told her that they can keep the baby. Such a man is a saint ! By the end of the therapy sessions the woman was in tears as she cld not believe how generous and forgiving he was of her transgressions. This really raised the level of respect she had for him as a man to a whole new level. The last i heard they are together and the cpl continues to therapy as they try to understand each other's needs.

    @sruthiroopini this could be you if your husband and you are game. Even if not - pls take the steps you need to sort your life and move forward peacefully.
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2017
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  4. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I'm all for leaving a sexless marriage. My own niece has used the law to get out.
    Even in India withholding sex in a marriage is a crime. People can use that and get a divorce.

    When the marriage is long, consummated, child is involved and the woman has cheated, in a Indian context it's going to be difficult to get that divorce. I have a friend who left her spouse when she was pregnant. Child is as old as my older one. She got her divorce two years ago. So many years wasted in a bitter and difficult custody battle.
    This guy can go to court, cite her cheating and the legalese would be endless no?
    She has my sympathy but she is going to have to face the Indian court and Indian relatives herself. Even her own family will abandon her. My niece had an abobdoned kind of life. Even neighbors won't talk to a divorcee. Married women saw her as their threat. Colleagues at work in an MNC were judgemental. This is all without the added drama of child and ema. It isn't easy in our current mindset to support someone who is leaving one husband for another man. There isn't a way to get a no contest divorce in India. There isn't a way to legally get a wronged spouse to agree to give custody to the other parent. Anything with the courts is long and frustrating.

    The odds in the legal system are stacked against her even more now because of the child and length of marriage. Maybe she didn't have support and now this guy might support her and that's why she is thinking about it. She needs to look at the practicalities. Everyone asking her to stay is a fraction of what she will hear from her own relatives.
     
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    It is not about gender...it is about having a child in the marriage.
    You think men don't live in unhappy marriages for the sake of the children?
    Specially in a country like ours.....custody laws favor women and men risk losing the children in divorce.

    Whether it is fair or not is another issue.When you have a child....you have to think about what is fair for the child ,or else you should not bring a child in this world.
    A middle ground or an amicable separation is the best option...but cheating does not leave much space for that . The lady has created such a mess that the only option left is a bitter separation and a heart broken child.
    ...................................................................
     
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Not to mention the shaky risky foundation of her new love that she is leaving the marriage for.
    She is sure of a superlative sexual performance without actually having had sex with him.Seriously!!!
    She has fantasies of him breaking into some romantic poetry on seeing her mehendi hands...again this is what she is sure he will do....
    She is not a 16 year old school girl but a 32 year old mother of a child and mothers of children do not have the luxury of taking the children into risky marriages .
    She wants to rush out of this marriage because she is not sure man 2 will wait for long.....how responsible is that to a child ?
     
  7. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    Not a judgment against the person who is in this dilemma.

    But how can a mother even think about leaving her child behind? Isn't the child a part of the mother?

    That really shows that she isnt thinking right or being really reckless in her life choices. All for a person she knows for past 6 months? Not really sure if the OP was intimate with man 2. But isn't she throwing what's in her hand for something unknown? Why isn't she realizing that part? ( just trying to understand from the person in dilemma's perspective)
     
  8. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    Make no mistake - She has been intimate with him - pls read between the lines. I did ask her the same question and she has said so explicitly or at least as far as she can go knowing how the morality brigade on IL can latch onto that point and forget abt helping her solve this conundrum.

    I know how many place the child above all else. I for one do not support that point of view because a woman (or man) also has to be happy as an individual. When parents sacrifice their personal happiness for a child (specifically by continuing an unhappy marriage & avoiding divorce) thats when situations like sons playing psuedo husbands to their moms etc plays out (and hence leading to controlling and possessive MILs). Children act up & suffer tremendously, sometimes with developmental delays when growing up in dysfunctional, high conflict homes. Indeed OP's husband has already beaten her up and thrown her out a few times. I shudder to think what kind of view the child would assume constitutes "normal relationships".

    To that end divorce is acceptable, even with children.

    In any case have we forgotten, that maybe knowing fully well the custody battle the woman foresees, OP is willing to relinquish custody if thats what it takes to get away from her husband ?
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2017
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  9. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    No one is denying that.. there is a way to go about it.
    U do not pack up ur bags and abandon ur child which is essentially what the OP is doing.
     
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  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    A mother who truely loves her child should be able to do what is right for the child.
    From what the thread shows.....the husband is a good father.Why take the child away from the father ?

    The ideal thing to do would be to sit down with the husband and tell him she wants out because she is not happy in the marriage and look for the best way the child could still have them both in his life.

    Not find someone and rush out of the marriage ,dragging the kid along .

    How much sympathy would we all have for a cheating husband who was not only planning to dump his wife but also planning behind her back to take the child away from her?
     
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