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Relationships Forum Chatter & Grey Matter

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rihana, Jun 22, 2016.

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  1. PepperPot

    PepperPot Gold IL'ite

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    :roflmao:
     
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  2. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    Distance makes the heart go Yonder, no ? The longest conversations in recent times is always the debriefing kind. One of us travels to someplace far, on work or to visit one-side of the family, and calls back. And the other one asks kochens to get details.
     
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  3. kaniths

    kaniths IL Hall of Fame

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    xoxo. ;) :p
     
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  4. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    As a newly wed, I called a friend who talked me through cooking a fancy-ish dinner for our first guests. The call lasted a lonnng time during which she gave me step-by-step instructions: "Wash the masoor dal several times till the water runs clear. Masoor is the orange one." But the call mostly consisted of her laughing at me. :rage:
    .
     
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  5. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @madras2018 - I'm probably much older than you and married for dog years so my views might be very different. Those things erode over time. I have to teach my DH things sometimes. I have to relearn a lot of things. And he does too. The initial passion isn't there unless you put in the effort. Especially after children and being together for two decades.



    Absolutely. I can't imagine a marriage without the physical proximity. I think we are closer today than what we were in the past because of our extraordinary circumstances and because we now take time for each other.

    That being said, a wrong is a wrong. Cheating is cheating. A guy having an emotional affair and doing what the OP is doing will not get the same empathy the OP is getting on that thread.
    Staying married and working on another option before getting out is called cheating.

    Agreed. And every marriage does go through some tiny variation of some of the above. All people are telling the OP is that she tread with caution. This guy maybe the ultimate Greek God in bed but maybe a terrible life partner. You don't know until you are in it.
     
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  6. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Another reason could be there are some utter BS thread(s) adorning the top there sometimes.
     
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2017
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Well well well... look who's here... Ragini where were you! The threads ... well.. they provide distraction from reality.... for us lesser mortals................. OK? ;)
     
  8. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hey @Laks09 - Since you responded a few days after i posted I assume you spent some time thinking about it (or not). Anyway good to see a response.

    I would agree with this statement as it applies to long-term couples who initially started off with a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. But the situation with the OP is entirely different. She married young at 21 when she and he lacked relationship maturity or understanding. Her husband and her were not sexually active before marriage - so no way of knowing incompatibility. Since the 1st year of marriage until now (Year 6) they have only done it about 3 times/year. So the incompatibility in the OP's own words has been from Day 1.

    My main point is this - why do we feel that leaving a spouse for any other issue is more acceptable than lack of sexual satisfaction ? When a person is no longer interested in being together - it shouldn't matter what the reason is. For person A - Overall life stability is important. For B - Stability + having an acceptable sex life is important. All are different.

    Or maybe this woman has outgrown this relationship and Man2 is really the right man for her. You're right, we don't know. My own position on that thread shifted as details unspooled - started off with words of caution like you but I now think she is justified in being through with this marriage. People's life paths and their soul growth can come in different ways. Yes mistakes like cheating happen - and remedy must be made (via divorce or fixing her marriage). But women's empowerment is wasted if she is told to stay put because of a child, her marriage vows or because according to a few sexual dissatisfaction is not a reason to leave. IMHO - Any reason that suffocates one or both parties in a marriage is good enough to end it.

    Ok cheating happened. So what next ? I tend to transfer some of my sympathy to the cheating spouse when it is evident that the willful negligence of the man/woman has driven their spouse into the arms of another. I look at an EMA clinically - as a piece of information (a symptom/sign/a major red flag) that indicates that there is marital dysfunction & that the marriage is not happy. Repeatedly bashing someone on past digressions seems pointless.
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2017
  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I have observed this in some EMA threads -- treating the problem as black and white. All the blame is put on the cheating spouse and all the sympathy given to the cheated spouse. The litany is "no matter what.. no matter the state of the marriage, no matter what the cheated spouse did or did not do, no matter how much the cheating spouse tried to fix the marriage, cheating while still married is plain wrong.. separate formally then find another person...".

    Of course, people have the right to their opinions, and to air those. But I don't get how the cheating/cheated spouse in a happy marriage can be treated the same as the cheating/cheated spouse in an obviously unhappy marriage. I say +1 to the below:
    Indian marriages with their tendency and the pressure to not end unless there is a really really dire reason give men and women more head-in-the-sand courage to indulge in willful negligence.

    I was quite impressed by the articulation the OP there had in posts beyond the first post. I felt sorry enough for her to wish it was actually a troll thread.
     
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  10. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    I am yet to meet a cheater on or offline who says they were in a normal marriage and yet looked for greener pastures. Its human to look for excuses to explain away ur transgression. In this particular case I really hope she is a troll..
    walking away leaving her child in the care of an angry ex ??????really..ever think about what happens to a 4 yr old under those circumstances? Self above spouse... above marriage vows ....forgivable..self above safety and stability of ur child...no.
     
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