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Relationships Forum Chatter & Grey Matter

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rihana, Jun 22, 2016.

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  1. Sunburst

    Sunburst Platinum IL'ite

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    I feel for you and I know how hard it is for women who give up everything for the sake of their husband or their family . I am all ears for this but my gripe with your post was about girls who don’t know cooking means they are being pampered or hiring maids means losing originality . I have equal respect for both working as well as SAHM. To me , employing maids is not just for working women but also for women who chose to stay home . Staying home doesn’t mean one has to cook , clean , run after the kids and lose their peace of mind . A stay home person can still employ a maid and use those hours for things they like . This self identity is independent of one’s decision to stay home or work . It should always remain intact , no matter what path you chose in life . It’s not worth losing for your hubby, kids , parents, circumstances . If self identify is lost , what’s left ?

    For people like me who loathe doing a lot chores , I am happy to employ others who could do the work for me while I focus on “my” activities which gives me more joy and pleasure , it could be spending quality time with kids , going out for a walk , reading a book . I hardly knew a thing or two about household chores before marriage . Cooking , cleaning , laundry , driving and other mundane chores were pretty much outsourced and that’s a common thing in many Indian families . After living abroad , the survival instinct kicked in and I managed somehow without depending on anyone ( and without air fryers and IP pot ) . After kids , motherhood instinct kicked in and cooking healthy and keeping the house clean for the sake of kids is now an indispensable part of life .

    As for working women , I am all for women working and having financial independence . I love making my own money , spending on myself without asking or giving explaination to anyone and saving for a rainy day but what @fourthaugust was asking was if a women is not able to work then what ? Having financial independence is great because it’s one less thing to worry about if things go down south but a lot of women cannot work due to genuine reasons like visa issue , health and to some their perspective change after having kids then what should these women do ? In an ideal world , all women should be working , being able to support themselves , live away from ILs but life doesn’t happen as we planned so one solution cannot fit all . Please don’t take my post personally . We both are ultimately talking about women empowerment and I like the fact that how inspite of you going through so much , you still see everything in a positive light .
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2017
  2. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    OK let me try once more to figure it out.

    Not learning the work of home is not pampering. Pampering is our parent love us so much. They don't want us to struggle as they did in their lives. As like we are suffering because of our ILS as we did not knew about their expectations. I felt the pain of working so much from the third day but my mil and even my mother did much more and found it not so painful as they were aware of the after affects of marriage. I used to feel about it like once I will get married I will go everywhere along with my H holding his hands and we will be in so much love. Nothing else in life will affect our love for each other. All that was imaginary as I was not aware of the reality.

    Second for originality I don't mean that a girl will lose her if she don't cook. I heard the words of shivani(brahmkumari) she said that the thoughts of a person making the food affects the person eating it. And maids don't make it with that feeling of love which loses the originality of that food. But still we have to do this to make life easy.
     
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  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    @MonikaSG
    Ask for a fully automatic washing machine. That will make your life easier. You do so much for the family,it is high time you and they started thinking about making your life better too.
    Give a deadline and work towards it.
     
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    These things make for great sermons but it is not really true.
    I have slogged in the kitchen to make food that did not taste good:confused: and somedays I have thrown in stuff on the gas cursing the kids for this and that and ended up making very tasty stuff.:yum:
    If that was true then chefs would be the most loving people.:)
     
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  5. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    My father gifted that in marriage. They installed this after 2 years of marriage as they had the feeling it takes more water as we had water problem here. My life is very settled now. But for each and every little thing I had to fight that made my mil think that I am not a nice person and started hating me. I wanted to live with love but was not able to show as I always get negative vibrations from her and couldn't stay neutral and started giving negativity to her too. This is not the first time I am trying to love and be loved. I think about each issue separately and feel her individuality with each of her action and thinking. If I am not wrong then she is also not wrong in each case. She reacted according to her upbringing and I according to mine. We both were correct in our own different shells but didn't matched each others opinion.

    Now its more than 5 years of my marriage I settled many issues either in right way or wrong and issues remained will find their ways

    My children are growing and I forgot all of my studies in all those years. I need to come out of all that drama to move ahead in my life. At present I do not need suggestion of adjusting at home I need suggestions of adjusting with work. As I cannot do full time job due to my limitations. What else can I do instead of doing tuitions if someone please have some suggestions regarding this then I will like to have and thanks to all of you for reading a very long post of my life and for the upcoming suggestions.
     
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  6. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    As you like teaching, you can go for school teacher job- comparatively less hectic than corporate jobs; It will also match your kids' school timings and you will be home when they are back from school so they don't miss out. If you can prepare some months, you can try to crack exam for a government teacher job.
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2017
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  7. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes I can go for computer teacher but my younger one will go to full time school after 5 years. By that time both of them will have 3-4 hours of school.
     
  8. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    This ain't true in the real world. When we go to the restaurant, the chef makes the food (with feeling of love?), but the waiter brings it to us, and describes what it is. When we are all done, we tip the waiter, and not the chef.
    For the server at home, the same is true. Even though you have a kaamwalibai in the kitchen, making the rotis as round as it is humanly possible, and the subjis just 00ooh-so rightly spiced, when you get to serve the family, and they compliment how wonderful everything tasted, you take the "tips". That is how it works. You hired the appropriate maid, taught him/her what your family likes, and trained him/her into the job. and you deserve the praise.
     
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  9. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    May be
     
  10. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Monika ! I really admire you for making or trying to make the best out of your situation . Even trying to understand / justify your MIL’s behavior is not something most women ( including myself) can do. Takes a lot of maturity to do that. I hope your spouse /IL’s realize what a gem of a DIL they have.

    Can you try to some computer/ software related online courses if your background is different? Then get try to get a job where you can work from home? Start off with part time and see how you can manage .
    If teaching is your background, have you looked at online tutoring ? There are websites where you can teach online.
    Take care !



     
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