Relationships Forum Chatter & Grey Matter

Well I appreciate the post and the clarity of ur thought…unfortunately we both have very different takes on the subject. There is always more than one way to solve a problem..u have found something that works for u…wish u well and adios!

 

When we ask for explanations for certain things, is it required to offer what we had understood the thing to mean ?
"My Share of Fun" reminded me of the conversation between two children watching "Jungle Book" on DVD.
Child 1: Why is the tiger called share khan ?
Child 2: He must be sharing everything.
Apparently Child2's mom has harped over and over about how she must share everything (toys from her toy box) with her friend.
The husband who is presumed to have had no relationship before getting to know the IL'ite, is probably a member of some other social network, telling the same thing about his wife.

 

Grey has 50 shades.
Never mind that. Sometimes, boys are simply afraid to share... That fear is so well known, it is on T-shirts, and coffee mugs...

Caption says: " No you can't touch it... you already broke yours off"

 

She had to go meet her dying mother.After that she could not return because husband did not make an effort to call her back because the in laws were still not done bashing her to their hearts content .

Which one is she to blame for here?
Her mother dying or her husband not having the gall to call her back (even if it is for ttc)
Remember ,she did not have the money to even fly back to see her dying mother.

How does one lay back and concentrate (without stress) on ttc when every cell in your body wants to go see the dying mother.
And you are worried about the husband feeling bad about her sending a few measly dollars to her needy father.

How does one do that?Where is the switch that one can switch off to not stress.
A person feels helpless that she could not do any thing for a dying mother in her last days.Now she has to face the fact that her dad is in need and she can help out in some small way ...why is this seen as a point that is causing stress instead of de-stressing her.
She is able to send some money to her father ....now does this make her feel relieved or stressed more?
Why is sending money to father being seen a big thing that her intent towards her marriage and ttc is being questioned.
If her inlaws had even been half human ,she would not have to hide this.
If her husband even cared for her feelings...she would not have to hide this.

Since you are in the husband's shoes....why do you resent her spending months in India when you did not call her back or provide for her to come back .
Why do you feel bad for sending a measly sum to her father when you feel no such thing abut sending to your family?
Why worry about stress to ttc when you don't care about how the inlaws abusive calls effect her stress levels and hence the ttc.Why does he think the abusive calls from n laws is the 'prasad' that she has to take ?

How about trying on her shoes for a moment ?

How is she making her life wait for being there for her parents?
She is taking care of husband...going for ttc efforts....so how is she blocking the way of her life?How is she not doing her best for her life?
Ohhh....the money she is sending to her father....Who knew a few dollars sent to needy father could cause chaos in marriage and stop her from conceiving .

If you have read her previous threads...then this is just mean.
She is not a very strong person,does not have a family who can offer any kind of support ,has mean inhuman in laws ,a husband who does not seem to care for her,doesn't seem to be educationally or professionally so strong that she can get a really good job and stop caring about the **** or even get out of it.
She is doing her best ,surviving against the odds and she is being dishonest ?....to herself because she is sending a few left over dollars to her dad (which probably give her happiness and makes her feel less helpless) after helping with whatever she can contribute to household expenditure?

Being able to send some money home is probably the one big bright spot in her life which she does not have much control over .It probably brings her happiness ,relief and some sense of control over her life.

That she has to do it without telling anyone is a failing on the part of her marital family.She is just doing what she needs to do for her father and her sanity with least drama.

And we here spend our time calling her out for that.
Sending money to her father was just a part of the post to make us and her feel she has made some progress and we have turned the thread into her dishonesty about sending money or caring about her father.

Some times looking at the bigger picture is more important than the tangles in the smaller picture.

 

I'm guessing not.

 

But ym, if the guy starts picking on her for sending money to Dad, and she cant stand up to it, she will be in a worse place. First and foremost, she has to get strong. She got a job, but she needs to establish an equal footing in the marriage, surely?
Those in laws of hers are making her feel guilty for not conceiving. I think she too kind of feels bad. Right now, she has to mend her relation with H(since she wants to stay in the marriage). Once she gets a hold on it, most of her problems will be taken care of.

 

If he starts picking on her...she has options.
1)She can show him the mirror.
2)She can stop sending.
3)She can send openly.
4)She can negotiate a time frame and amount that she can send.

Isn't being able to do something she wants a small step towards getting stronger?
What will make her marriage stronger is for her to become a happier and stronger person.
Will not being able to send money make her happier or unhappier?
Will it make her more helpless or not ?

Who knows what is in store.
May be she will get stronger and earn more and one day will finely be able to tell her husband she is sending money .
May be her brother will get a stable job and she will not have to send the money.

Not being able to help ,not being able to take little decisions in her life, not being able to stand up to her husband will only make her more resentful and disillusioned with her marriage.

A happy marriage needs more than an obedient and sacrificing wife.

 

Stress... What is stress?
A woman helplessly sitting at home, doing nothing, but thinking about her ill fate of helplessness, and unable to help her poor dad, by knowing she could make him happy and proud if she could spend a few dollars from America.

OR

A woman is able to work, earn a few dollars and help her old dad - who is in need of money, and feel satisfied for being at least financially helpful to her dad.

I think the latter is the switch for the stress relief, and this is how she should prepare her body to concentrate on TTC.

Any loving DD - no matter how helpless she may be, can't sit at home, and concentrate only on her marriage-TTC-kids, while her folks back home are in need of support. Spouse and marriage is your first priority after marriage is right, but it doesn't mean spouse and marriage should be your only priority.

Ideally, she must inform her H about her income and the share she spends on her folks without having to feel any guilt or humiliation. It is her right, and privilege. It must give her some sense of satisfaction.
All she needs to consider is the "share" and how much it is reasonable, considering her and her H's overall income and the need of her dad back in India with proper consultation with her H.
But when there is no room for such discussions without the interference of her PILs, and associated humiliation, ill talks, forceful guilt trips and all, it is better to stay calm and retain sanity on the pretext of preparing your body free from stress for the TTC - thus not informing anything to her H.
She shouldn't feel guilt for doing it right.

 

Dear Rihana,
Since you have done with your part in that thread, I may not require a reply from you. But just sharing my POV here

Not many people have that luxury. It is not about having a sibling, but having a willing, able (financially/physically) sibling to take off that burden from that loving/caring DD/son.
In OP's case, her bro is yet to be financially settled and looks like there are some needs from her dad's side. A few dollars may be of great help, and a great stress relief for the OP who lives miles away from her dad- who has recently lost his wife.
If she is unable to do this from her part, she will be surely feeling lost - in that case, no amount of physical treatment be helpful for the TTC.
All what she requires here is an understanding spouse.

Affection and concern for wife is sure a stress buster. But in this case, OP's husband must let go of his ego and the uninvited advice/complaints from his folks to keep his wife sane. Not because of her sanity, but for his sanity too. Because TTC is not just a woman's duty. He too needs a child, and of course spending for that process.
Letting go of those few dollars to keep his wife calm and peaceful will be eventually help him saving in lumpsum (I mean, he may not require to lose his hard earned money in recurrent TTC process to her stress). JMO