Relationship With Sil

anu333 · Mar 6, 2018

Hello,
I have had a very disturbing relationship with sil during our India trip. They live in India, while we in US. DH has lot of respect and listens to her like a school boy as there's a age difference of 4 yrs.
Initially like a any innocent girl, I couldn't see the depth but eventually I figured their intentions and deep feelings.

1. She has suffered in childhood and has lot of restrictions, she tries to impose same kind of environment on us( me and my daughter)
2. For any minor mistake of mine, she announces it and makes sure I get a lecture
3. She is very bossy on my DH and controls all his decisions, thankgod they are away....I have to deal this only when we meet
4. She comments on my looks, hair and dresses in a indirect way....one day she acted as if she was folding clothes but was checking my bra size, I have a big bust and she keeps staring in a very uncomfortable way
5. Most irritating is her husband visits US on work often and he stayed with us after 4 weeks of delivering my 2nd baby through 2 nd c section.....I had to cook for him at that time and adjust in 1 bathroom and whole night he was in meeting disturbing my sleep with a newborn
They don't even have any courtesy, I am troubled even now how anyone can expect me to serve them when I am in deep pain...I was in total depression after this and only feeling much better now a days
My DH cannot understand my feelings and still talks to them often on phone, I don't know how to react, I get reminded of those bad phase and don't have much fair heart to talk to her

nakshatra1 · Mar 6, 2018

In Indian culture it's common , some guys behave like a obedient son to much elder sister or like a generous father to much younger sister . You can't change that you have to tolerate because that is set since childhood.better to get the hints of such personality before marriage and avoid .

But you don't have to let her lecture you on anything . Avoid sharing your problems f you know you will get lecture . Keep a sage distance , if she starts lecturing just smile and change the topic . If you have discomfort such as cooking during pain or getting sleep disturbance then speak up immediately that time itself . No need to obey or serve anyone blindly . Next time such situation comes then express your genuine problem and ask your DH to take care of the
cooking when you are sick .

Sandycandy · Mar 6, 2018

Husband behaves like a school boy in front of Didi but you don’t have to. You cannot be expected to love and respect her as much as he does. So you set boundaries , if her husband visits at a terrible time after your delivery you stay put in bed and let your husband order food from out for his jijaji.
If SIL stares at your bust, you stare back. If she gives a lecture you state your point and say you are done talking . The staring comes from insecurity about this other woman in her little brothers wife. Unless you set boundaries this will continue all your life. A sister has no right to interfere once the brother is married . So don’t play along here. She is not your MIL.

And don’t ever move back to India close to her.

shravs3 · Mar 6, 2018

There are some sisters who still think they have all rights on their brother even after marriage ! There is a limit for everything . If she tries to lecture you on anything either ignore her words or move away from tat place telling you have some work . And she is no one to impose restrictions on you and your daughter . Let her be bossy in her home not your home ! Wen her hubby visits your home cook minimalistic food or ask your hubby to order from outside . If he has meeting tell him tats it’s disturbing you and your kid and make some other arrangements .

ashneys · Mar 6, 2018

anu333 said: ↑

Hello,
I have had a very disturbing relationship with sil during our India trip. They live in India, while we in US. DH has lot of respect and listens to her like a school boy as there's a age difference of 4 yrs.
Initially like a any innocent girl, I couldn't see the depth but eventually I figured their intentions and deep feelings.

1. She has suffered in childhood and has lot of restrictions, she tries to impose same kind of environment on us( me and my daughter)
2. For any minor mistake of mine, she announces it and makes sure I get a lecture
3. She is very bossy on my DH and controls all his decisions, thankgod they are away....I have to deal this only when we meet
4. She comments on my looks, hair and dresses in a indirect way....one day she acted as if she was folding clothes but was checking my bra size, I have a big bust and she keeps staring in a very uncomfortable way
5. Most irritating is her husband visits US on work often and he stayed with us after 4 weeks of delivering my 2nd baby through 2 nd c section.....I had to cook for him at that time and adjust in 1 bathroom and whole night he was in meeting disturbing my sleep with a newborn
They don't even have any courtesy, I am troubled even now how anyone can expect me to serve them when I am in deep pain...I was in total depression after this and only feeling much better now a days
My DH cannot understand my feelings and still talks to them often on phone, I don't know how to react, I get reminded of those bad phase and don't have much fair heart to talk to her
Click to expand...

Just convey to your dh that you won't bother, crib, complain, argue, fight about their relationship as long as you are not affected.

That you n your daughter are not gona be forced, lectured or bossed around by his family.

N that he can feel free to be forced, lectured or bossed by his sis, because it's his sis n that you understand that he loves n respect her very much but it's wrong to expect the same level of love n respect from you. Does he love your brothers / sisters like the way you love them too ?

Just like we don't like if our dh tries to control our relationships with our parents, siblings, etc, they won't either. So try to make a deal.

Next time, if you are unwell, just order food.
If sleeping arrangement isn't working, ask him to book you a nice hotel n enjoy room service.
If he wants to call his sis, let him, you don't have to talk.
Don't let anyone force you to talk or do anything you don't want.
Say I give you peace, you return the favour too.
Or else there's gona be unnecessary drama n depression n negativity n tears n unhappiness - that he doesn't want in his life / home.

Be straight n clear with your words, n say it strongly like you mean every word. Keep it short, don't let it get to an argument or raise your voice. Arguments may not help to convey the right message. It may help you to reduce the bitterness as well.