1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Relationship Turned Worst

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Independentgal, Nov 21, 2019.

  1. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    708
    Likes Received:
    1,021
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    OP,
    Try to hire nanny- desi or otherwise, to help with baby and older child and house work.
    Since, he cannot stand your parents and ILs creat drama- it is best to keep to both sets away for few (2-4) years.
    All this kind of behavior will make you agitated and hard to function as a mother and office worker. I will suggest that pour all your energy in finding a good desi nanny- older auntie kind or other nationality but older kind. Bring some calm in your life by setting some routine in your life. All this, without him being in the routine or his help. Cut him out for now. Please don't try to start talking to him.
    Your situation makes me mad and sad
     
    yellowmango, mangaii, Rihana and 2 others like this.
  2. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    968
    Likes Received:
    1,066
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    This is the best advice . I really don't understand why in-laws are invited to take care of kids. It never works out in favor of the female of the family. There are lots of fights and life long scars. In big scheme of things cost of nanny isn't much. They also help you and are very understanding from my own experience. I'm still in touch with our nanny who worked with us 6 years back. She is one of the amazing person I met. She took very good care of my kid. I had zero complains .Every relationship can be repaired if both the parties are willing. You need to talk to husband privately without kids and family members. Maybe drop-in during lunch time at work. Talk to him calmly about the issues. Let him no physical abuse cannot be tolerated by you anymore. Don't discuss all the issues just focus on main issues ans ask him his future plan. Based on that decide your future.
     
    KayKuyil, Amica and Amulet like this.
  3. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,512
    Likes Received:
    4,112
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    @Independentgal The reasons my number one thought was about the cops' visit was the way Police are trained in USA to respond to Domestic Violence situations. Racial minority and foreign-accented households add a further layer of complication for the police.

    When you and your husband are eventually amicable, and in peaceful conversation, it is best that you both learn about this. You both must be very careful in your lives when you involve the police in America.

    The following excerpt is from the==> Source

    When police officers respond, they know the situation can be volatile for both them and the abuser’s victim. That’s because the killer in almost one third of female homicides is an intimate partner, and 22 percent of officer "line of duty" deaths in recent years occurred while responding to domestic violence calls.
     
  4. Nehatripathi12

    Nehatripathi12 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    I have read about your situation and i will suggest you to take advice from an expert. These experts have the ability to make the relationship of husband and wife prosperous, lovable, and satisfied even if they are separated or divorced. Whatever problems the lovers and married couples face, these experts solve them in a quick manner. He will surely bring happiness to your life by giving you the best love problem solutions. I hope your problem will be resolved soon.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 22, 2019
    Topaz49 likes this.
  5. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,944
    Likes Received:
    2,387
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Who are these experts??
     
  6. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,838
    Likes Received:
    1,942
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    :facepalm:
     
    KayKuyil and Sunshine04 like this.
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,562
    Likes Received:
    22,698
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    :facepalm::facepalm:
     
    KayKuyil and Sunshine04 like this.
  8. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    434
    Likes Received:
    457
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Since, you both argue, "try to make him understand" won't work.

    Seek out help from qualified psychologist before it is too late, if you want to save this marriage.
     
  9. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    434
    Likes Received:
    457
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    You might want to seek out a professional.

    All couples argue; but, there is an art to arguing. Instead of attacking the other person’s character, express your own feelings. It’s fine to say, 'I’m furious with you right now!' It’s not fine to say, “You’re a sorry, please excuse me”

    · Discuss topics, so they don't become bigger issues in the relationship later on. When taboo or uncomfortable topics remain unaddressed, they can turn any benign event into a big drama that could have been avoided in the first place.

    · Harsh start doesn’t have a chance for positive outcome. Arguments generally end the same way they began. Arguing fairly and take things slow, addressing difficult conversations with a soft, reassuring tone and dialing it down whenever things get too emotionally charged.

    · No matter how heated things get, there's no name calling, eye rolling or biting sarcasm. When you have knock-down, drag-out fights, neither wants to lower themselves. This will have corrosive impact on a relationship and it is hard to take back.

    · When things do get out of hand, get a grip on your emotions. Take time out, whether that means counting to 10 and taking slow, deep breaths or simply telling the spouse, that perhaps we can revisit in the morning. Taking time out gives room to think what you are fighting about.

    · Once the emotionally charged fight ends, lay down some ground rules for arguing so it never gets out of hand again. The ground rules could be specific -- "We will not interrupt each other when one is giving his or her perspective" -- or more big picture: "It’s not about being right. It’s about getting to a common ground and resolving the problem".

    · Try to put yourself on the other side of the argument. You can say, something like, “I know you see it differently than me, but I appreciate if you can listen to my perspective". These positive moments decrease defensiveness and allow for a more productive conversation."

    · Be fair, listen and give the benefit of doubt. Don't jump to conclusions in the middle of fights. This allows arguments to be a team effort to achieve the goal rather than an adversarial 'fight.

    · Even during the most tense arguments, never forget you are a team: for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health... and until the argument exhausts and both parties agree that they'd rather call a timeout and get a bite to eat.

    · No matter how angry you are, life will continue after today. You don’t want to do lasting damage, you want to protect the future together. You have the same goal and looking for a mutually beneficial resolution.
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,534
    Likes Received:
    23,491
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    He hit you during your first pregnancy and you went on to have another child with him after 9-10 years? You were seriously contemplating divorce a few years ago, yet stayed on. Maybe for the sake of your older one. But, you are aware of the issues in the marriage. Then, why another child? Why add to the stress by having parents over non-stop?

    It has been a tough time the last couple of years, and tough overall. Try to not brood on inconsequential things like in 2005 he ignored your sister and parents, does not talk with them when they are visiting... Focus on the more important.

    Calling the cops is something that will take a long time for the marriage to recover from. Let that time happen.
     
    yellowmango likes this.

Share This Page