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Relationship Hijack And Banter

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rihana, Sep 17, 2018.

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  1. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Most of the time the reason is fear, possessiveness or insecurity of MIL. Fear that she may lose his sons attention or love. Fear that she will loose control of her kingdom, the kitchen. She wants to rule and expects DIL to follow her footsteps than DIL finding her own path and style.
    Dil is the only outsider. So every one will be observing her. @nakshatra1, my MIL behaved almost like your mother, giving me freedom and time . Never complained, but encouraged. It made me an enthusiastic to learn her way of cooking. When I reached their home as a bride, my MIL and SIL made all efforts to make me comfortable and help me to settle in their home. Never asked me to do something. Never tried to control me. She was not insecure.It helped me to adjust with all those strangers and the new home. So I started doing household jobs in their way. They were so friendly. They all became part of my life soon. For this reason, I love and respect my PiLs, Sil and Bil. In future, if I have a DiL, I will follow the path my MIL showed me. Giving respect and taking respect. Giving iove and taking love, how to respect the boundary etc. It also made me a good DIL. I am not living with them. But the situation didn't change, same treatment even now: even if they come to my home or if I go to their home. When I was sick for some time, they took care of my kids and allowed me to take rest. I am married to their family than my dh.

    Anyways my dh sometimes behave like a typical MIL :) creating issues by not appreciating my efforts to maintain a clean home. It pushes me to a strike mode; look like he is making efforts to bahave well like his mom.:smile:.

    If it was not the case, I would have become a bad DIL, as I know that I cannot tolerate anyone who try to control me beyond my comfort zone. Just shared my good experience which I value much.

    My MIL was not fortunate to have a good MIL( my Dh's grandma was a very dominating woman, passed away after my marriage). Instead of following her MILs path, my MIL created a friendly environment for her DIls and made sure they wont suffer like her. I respect her for that approach too.
     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2018
  2. silentlistener

    silentlistener Silver IL'ite

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    That's really great ! it's an ideal fairy tale like situation!
     
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  3. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    @DDream This is so nice to read ! We absolutely need these positive experiences here !!
    Two secure women honestly will not have a problem with each other . Respecting each other’s individuality is the way to go. I get along with my MIL for the exact same reason that you love yours. She has never imposed anything on me. She never tried to coach me into cooking South Indian food for her son and h
    appily provided recipes only when asked.
    Please put up more such experiences !! We need to get some good DIL and MIL experiences on this forum.
    Snippets of life maybe ? I have a title : Chronicles of a good MIL !





     
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  4. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Viswamitra Ji, thank you for sharing your experience . It would be wonderful if you could share the lessons you learnt as a man in this complex situation. I think it would help all the men here that also seem to struggle because of the complicated MIL DIL dynamics.
    It’s like the man is the hero of this movie ( genre : romance, drama, action and sometimes horror) . There are two main heroines.
    The problem is that both the heroines think the other one is a villain. That the hero is supposed to do what he does in a good movie. Dishoom Dishoom with the villain. The hero does not want to do that. He touches the feet of one and romances the other. He should be able to do that without any conflicts right ? That’s when the melodrama quotient increases and reaches Sanjay Leela Bhansali levels. What should the hero do ?

    You don’t have to answer this . But it seems like you think your wife did her best she could ? What could your mother have done differently ?



     
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  5. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    So when the bride seeing thing happened - MIL and grandMIL came along with a couple of other people. My mom decided to be very honest and told them her failure in teaching me to do household chores. I believe my mom said my daughter can’t cook anything. I’m trying to teach her now.
    GMIL looked at me and said these same words - koi baat nahi. You have a life full of responsibilities and cooking ahead. Have fun these last few months. My grandson knows to cook. He’ll cook for the two of you.
    MIL also said these are golden days. Enjoy with your parents. Don’t worry about house work. When I got married, I didn’t even know to peel onions. Apparently GFIL wouldn’t let her peel onions because her painted nails would break. I had forgotten this. You brought back great memories. Thanks!
     
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Talking of memories...:hearteyecat::hearteyes:
    The day better half ' came to see' me.....I told him I can't cook much .
    His response was ," I need a wife,not a cook".
    We got married after a year. I made special effort to learn all his favorite dishes.
     
  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I didn’t. Sometimes I take what others say literally!
     
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  8. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @SinghManisha,

    1) Acceptance of the person as part of the family
    2) Communication filled with love
    3) Effort to build relationship

    These factors made the difference between my mother and wife and my understanding of who is doing everything possible to make all three of our lives better instead of focusing on self.

    My mother loved me dearly minus my wife and my wife loved my family as well as she loved me. My wife understood the love my mother and I have for each other and she realized that breaking that would create a big conflict in our relationship. My parents in law reinforced that thought strongly in her mind as well. At the same time, I gave her the confidence that I would stand up for her and her parents.

    I have created the conflict list between them and put my best possible effort to resolve whatever is resolvable and left the rest to the feet of the Lord. Wherever, my mother erred, I gave her examples of our conversation when she complained about my paternal grandmother lovingly. Whenever, my wife erred (this was occasional), I told her lovingly and privately as well. I have discussed some of the conflicts at length with my mother and when the questions go to territories where she knew she erred, she used to remain silent. I had explained to her about the need for me to treat both parents (my wife's and mine) respectfully and equally as advised by my father. My wife was the only child for my in-laws and her suffering affected them more than their own sufferings. My wife and I constantly talk about the lessons we learned in life and how to handle situation when my son gets married.

    But there was one subject on which my mother broke my heart into pieces which I am unable to discuss with anyone. That created a situation for me to choose between my mother and my son (toddler at that time). It is unfortunate, I am unable to explain it properly in the public domain.

    Viswa
     
  9. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Lol same here :roflmao:.
    I tell my DH that even though we aren’t living with inlaws at times he acts like my MIL :hollering:
    How sweet :hearteyes:
     
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  10. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Touché. Ideal Fairy Tale is a good way to put it.

    We are planning to be absent in-laws, visiting only on skype, and rarely in person, and never as house-guests. The plan is now at the stage that is best described by the (Telugu) proverb: "aalu ledu cholu ledu koduku peru somalingam." Roughly translates to "no wife, no pregnancy, son's name 'somalingam'". In English, i.e., counting chickens before they are hatched, is not so colorful.
     
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