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Relationship Hijack And Banter

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rihana, Sep 17, 2018.

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  1. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    The dils are now supposed to find the passion for their misery too.​
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    The volcano should not wait to erupt.
     
  3. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    I actually composed a snippet on this titled "The Power of Not Needing a No" but no enthu right now to start a separate discussion on it.

    The NRI child can say NO but such a NO is not easy to say to parents or siblings. Most of us were not taught to say NO. And definitely not taught how to say NO to requests from near and dear. We didn't and don't learn till much later in life that it is ok to put yourself first and it is ok to say NO to parents, siblings.

    More than it being up to the NRI child to say NO, it is the responsibility of the parents who have seen more life than their child to not make unreasonable demands of the child. Love for the child, wanting to spare him/her from saying NO, shame, pride, or simple common sense and life experience should prevent them from asking the child repeatedly for excessive money.

    This is not limited to the parent and adult child relationship. In any relationship between two people, each has the right and the ability to say NO, and each has the responsibility to not be the cause of too many NO's in that relationship. If you really care for a person, you will think a lot before putting that person in a spot where she has to say NO.

    from my experience and observation, it is easier for the asker to be considerate of not making unreasonable demands than for the asked to say a NO. And once the parent detects reluctance on the part of the child or observes that it is causing strife in child's marriage, a reasonable parent or sibling will not make the demand/request again.

    I met an NRI child whose story was a rarity. His parents did not ask for money ever. When he himself started to send regularly an amount each month for them to use as they wanted, after the first few months, they told him, "Stop with this, or we will simply open an account in your name and put the money there." Not a stinking rich family, just one that handled money and finances so nicely without even seeming to manage them. The NRI sibling is there for the others when needed. The Indian siblings splurge once in a while on the NRI in their own way. Seeing the long term prospects of the family, I bought significant stock in it. :wink:

    I am done with this topic. Such a drain and so thankfully moot for me. Just wanted to say all the above in response to "NRI son/child should say NO". The parents also have responsibility in not constantly putting the child in a spot where he/she has to say NO. Child financing one house for the parents and some luxuries and taking care of them in their old age is par for the course. More than that, not nice to force the child to do, and not after child has responsibilities of his/her own.
     
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  4. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Amazing ! I read that "gem" comment by Amica in the watson-thread. A clever gem in real life too.

    you wouldn't be able to ? :sweatsmile:
    I had made my older relatives somewhat (to strongly) nervous to spend long holidays (Th.giving, Christmas, Laborday) in our home.
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    After fifteen years, of purely my own volition, and with lots of solicited help from friends who had known me 20+ years and my DH, I finally started to say NO sometimes. The toll it took was not worth the money not given or the principle stood up for. It sent me into real depression. "Real" means finally after trying many things my doctor said I have to go on medication. Tried that. Side-effects included arms stiff from the shoulder to the wrist, unable to be bent at the elbow without excruciating pain. I once woke up in the middle of the night thinking I am dead and rigor mortis had set in. : ) This was in addition to the expected side-effects such as constipation etc. Doc then said, ok that didn't work, try another brand. Casually open the drawer and pulls out a sample.....:facepalm:

    =============
    OK, I am an atheist alright but all around me the world is getting ready to celebrate the festival of lights. Tata from me. : )
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2019
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  6. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Good god!! The thread starter on telepsych' medicine, gets tele-guilted and driven to the local shaman !!
    I usually light a tiny five-wick-lamp at home, if someone reminds me it is diwali day. Pre-July 4th is when fireworks are available in the local market. So.. we sort of have a split diwali.
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2019
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  7. Afresh

    Afresh Gold IL'ite

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    I do not know the context of this response, but just could not steal away a glance and leave it unsaid here ;)
    This statement above , is all the right things!
    But it is only when it is in the right environment , when everyone else in your world subscribes to the same right rules!
    If 'asker' was ever considerate then need for a 'No' never arises ( generally) .
    Similarly, 'Reasonable' parents is really a matter of luck or maybe nurture but , that's what it is ... a chance sequence of conditions that give us the 'reasonable' environment!
    Ok much for the pessimism!
    Keep writing this because by reading this stuff only 'asker' ( in this context) would tend to become more considerate :):relaxed: ; Genuinely mean it!
    Happy Diwali to everyone!
     
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  8. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Agree with you , it is good for asker to be considerate but we cannot depend on them.

    There are all kinds in the world. Everybody has a role to play when things turn bad ,just painting NRI son daughter as a victim always in all cases is not correct nor painting parents as angels in all cases is also not correct.

    I have seen enough cases where children use parents to open senior citizen deposits because that fetches you little more extra interest , some buy property on parents name because it is easy getting things done by parents.

    Many if not all indian parents spend their savings on getting sons and daughters to the positions they are in , so expectations will be there.

    We need to learn skills to do what we want to do for parents and not going overboard. If we travel in cars , I don’t think I want to see my parents in a bus and if I made enough money I will do some good to my Family financially but I will do it with some sense not blindly.

    I recently saw a you tube video where a guy is surprising his mom by getting the mortgaged jewellery back from bank and giving it back to mom .... I thought that guy has all the potential of filing up pages here in IL in future.... the image of your mother putting her jewellery for mortgage or your family selling land fir get you to go to US or putting it up a house for mortgage for studies will leave an imprint on one ...and if the guy has sentiments he will end up doing something back for them . now where to put a stop to that will have to be learned.

    We all have to learn new skills to do what we can and not go over board , it is a necessary skill. It is not going to happen that asker will seaze asking in any aspect of life. It is for the giver to learn skills to not go overboard.
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2019
  9. Mistt

    Mistt IL Hall of Fame

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    Rihana,
    Yes, saying NO is the last option when parents/siblings aren't mature and consider NRI child as a golden goose.
    We are in this situation and my husband has been struggling to say "NO" to my Mil/Bil's never ending financial demands. My Mil expects this parampara from my kids too.
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2019
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  10. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    There is this aunt of my DH who is quite well off. Has own house, gets rent, she runs some business at home, son works, husband earns.
    And then she start cribbing with my MIL that she has nothing inspite of having everything. So she asks can you please help me with some money?
    It’s not once every time she keep asking for money.
    Can I ask your son to lend me some money?
    My blood boils like anything!!

    She really has no financial problems at all. But simply she portrays as if she has nothing and very poor. She thinks people grow money on trees and especially if a person is living in abroad then he has acres of money trees.

    My DH doesn’t like it either. So tells his mom to stop entertaining such things.
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2019
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