Regaining trust

pears123 · Dec 6, 2011

Hello everyone,

i have been a silent reader for 1 year but now due to my unpleasent happenings in my life im posting my problem here request u all to give ur open suggestions /views.will try to shorten my story.
married-8 yrs
kids-2 kids

Ours was a love marriage we used to be in diff places b4 wedding and had fights b4 marriage thought things wuld settle down after wedding but had no improvemnt..so after 3 yrs we had a kid there was little improvemnt..but we still had fights not as huge as b4 but much better...dunno wen and hw it started my hubby became close to his colleague and to be more precise during the fights hittings was also a part of the fights.and his closeness had landed into an affair.i have so many proofs like his cell bills and her fone numbers been refected so many times in the bill...and observed her calling to my hubbys cell but wen i asked him he used to say its offical..there was a point of time wen he lost intrest physically in me and thats was anotherproof.and wen ever i used to question him we used to land up in fights and he used to hit me again.and in between he used to tell me that im torchuring him cos im suspecting both of them(dh and colleague)but thousands times i asked him relation with her till today he says he doesnt have anything with her and in turns he tells that im doubting him and once that colleague had also mailed my hubby asking for money and wen i questioned him reg that he said he took money from her b4 and nw shes asking and have seen so many mails of hers saying she loves my dh a lot and missi all his fone calls.i always feel that is theres a smoke without a fire?yday he took few sleepign pills and said that suicidal tendencies has statred and he wants to die cos im doubting him and after taking those pills also he said he doesnt have anything with her...but made it clear that she is at the back of him.rite now hes takign pains to work on the realationship like listenign to me fully being honest takign care of kids and household.but i dunno how long will that last wat to do.rite now there is no contact with that female.but from my end i dont trsut him at all.reg divorce i cant think bt cos of kids, and my parenst im financially not independent.

p.s reg torchuring of my hubby,i dont torcher him but def question him hard for what all wrong doings he had done and by the way i for got to mention this is the 2 nd time it has been happening(extra affair)

friends tell me what to do?

psych · Dec 6, 2011

whos torturing who?? if hes hitting you then hes the one whos torturing you and not the other way around! you both need professional help. hitting should never be acceptable to you - never - you should have walked out.

JGVR · Dec 6, 2011

because he is honest with you now give him a chance but also give him a warning that if things go out of control then you might have to think about leaving him.find a job for yourself.

Uttaraa · Dec 6, 2011

Separation and all that stuff is a BIG no-no in your case owing to aforementioned reasons in your post.

So what options do we have ? You got to TRUST HIM AGAIN. Trusting him does not mean you have to wash your hands off now that you have provided him an opportunity to redeem himself.

You had a love marriage which means at one point you both felt that it was worth leading a beautiful life with each other. Things have changed now ...

But why ? I am not saying that you are responsible or it was lax or your part that your husband has strayed but somewhere the relationship crumbled ...

It is not like you both were lovey-dovey and one fine morning he wakes up and falls in love with someone (or apparently becomes distant). There were some underlying issues which perhaps were not duely recognised and addressed at the right time. Nevertheless it is all PAST but you need to make sure that it is not repeated. Try to understand what went wrong. Again, YOU HAVE NOT FAILED but your relationship has FAILED (which is very different if you understand the nuance).

I know it is very easy to say trust someone who has crushed your heart repeatedly but you need to understand that sometimes the choices we have are limited and we need to make the best use of them. Talk to him straight-through-the-heart and inform him (now that he wants to rebuild the relationship) that it is difficult to put your past behind and there would be days when you are lost, edgy and broken but that is only because you are recovering from the hurt and pain to build that life which you both once cherished and dreamt of.

ars · Dec 6, 2011

2 affairs and hitting - you are still with guy. I don't understand. But do get tested for STD's
I don't have any advice......

pears123 · Dec 7, 2011

thanks every1 for the immediate replies...walking out of the marriage is out of the options cos i have 2 kids and im not financially independent even if i get a job my earnings will not suffice for my kids..i also spoke to him reg test of STD`S it was a strong no from his side and in-turn hes asking me to get it checked...rite now my concern is i want to teach him a lesson so that he doesnt repeat the things again and out of all hes asking for sex which im not ready cos i have a feeling that hes used...and my elder son is getting a lot affected cos of the fights my full family is on rocks now.

Jananikrithsan · Dec 7, 2011

Do you want to make an effort in any of what is happening in your life? Everything is a mess and you do not want to walk out, kids are a reason, and then finance? You would like your kids to grow up in an atmostphere where nothing is for sure????

ars · Dec 8, 2011

You are saying that you are staying in the marriage for
1. Kids - than why is your elder son getting affected. Because he sees an unhappy mother. You are only making your kids life miserable by being with an abuser. They are learning from watching dad.
2 money - you won't be able to support yourself which is almost true for everyone who walks out of the marriage. That's when you plan, get support from family, freinds or womans organization, learn to support yourself.

pears123 · Dec 10, 2011

yday me and hubby had a talk over the issue he had listened to all my concerns and he said he will def change and he said that we had to work for the relationship cos of the kids...i ahve seen him being changed for the past 15 days dont know how long will this change be now my concern is how much should i trust him.rite now the things at home r in the way as if nothing had happened.. but hes def not confessing that he had an affair..only thing hes saying is he was clsoe to her but not able to believe cos of the proofs .but now what shuld i do.. to believe him or not to.?infact now he wants me to work cos he says wen i work i will not think abt negative things and hes helping me in getting job.what to do now?

friends pls suggest me ur views.