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Reconnecting INLAWS for Money $$

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Vedhavalli, Jul 16, 2015.

  1. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi friends,

    Lil background : married for 3.5 yrs with 1 yr old kid.
    My inlaws ill treated me, took advantage of my hubby.
    Never called my daughter their home..(it a ritual to call new born kid at 3rd or 5th month).
    They dont call us apart for demanding money.
    I leave my daughter to parents.. and live with parents because of financial commitments. (discussed in separate thread).
    My hubby lived in our home 22km from my inlaws home in same city.
    MIL or FIL never call hubby except monetary demands. Same with his sister my SIL, cunning lady.

    There is some light at the end of tunnel, my DH got onsite to USA.
    He went there one month back.
    I dont talk to DH on inlaw matter to save my sanity and peace of mind.
    Yesterday just asked DH, do they call now..he said "yes, now they call once in 2 days". My BP shooted up.
    I asked him, when you were in same city they least bothered about you.
    Now why calling to enquire things like 'did u eat, did u sleep'.

    I openly told DH, they are eyeing for money.
    We have huge home loan 29L, we bought home, because they dint give us space to live in, (FIL home but my hubby contributed enough money 8.6L).
    DH doesnot stand up for me.. he remains silent.
    MIL insults everynow and then, in a recent wedding also.. she did.
    I keep quiet because my parents say so. Else...

    + my parents taking care of my DD, MIL dint lift a finger till date, DD is 1.4 now.
    Child care like visitng DOC to diapers.. i'm contributing..
    DH is basically not understanding..how mean his parents are, only after money. (DH too knows it, but keeps mum).
    We share home loan emi and household expenses. My parents help me 90% , if my parents are'nt there.. i cant continue my job with back pain.

    I dont know, how make my DH contribute for home loan and child care/child education and future savings..
    Confused, frustrated..

    inlaws took all his money till birth of my DD. Now i dont want his hard earned money to go for SIL luxuries and MIL and her bloody sister's luxuries..
    Where as i go in bus.. sweat and pay for my emi and other expenses.

    Do i have to talk to back to inlaws if they ask or throw shots for money direct/indirect?
    MIL is super smart..will not know whats in her heart

    Please help.
     
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  2. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    Option1: Stand up for yourself.

    Option 2: Be a cunning lady and manipulate your husband.

    Clue: Option 1 is easier.

    All the best.
     
  3. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    Just tell your husband that we need to save for our daughter's education so you will open a savings account in her name and move part of your salary in her account and hence the PMI should be made from his account. Also, since he is onsite, he can save money to down pay the loan. Just make him aware of the future expenses of the family - loans, DD education etc.

    I didn't understand the following statement of yours. Are you parents helping you financially or just logistically. If financial, stop that immediately.

    "We share home loan emi and household expenses. My parents help me 90% , if my parents are'nt there.. i cant continue my job with back pain. "
     
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  4. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    Parents help me ... financially too like paying for call taxi and DD's doctor visit, when i'm at office.
    DD's food, milk etc. 1000 times i begged them to take money for that. Dad denies says he is doing for his grandkid. I want to repay...
    Since DH is onsite, Dad feeds us. I dont know how to repay, dad wont take cash/gift.
    I tried like buying groceries etc. dad deposited money to my accnt. back.

    Thanks for your input, i would ask him to pay downpayment.
    I have already discussed with DH regarding education to DD, he says she is only 1 yr, whats the hurry.
    I'm planning to get a detailed plan for DD education and future expenses.
    Have make him understand is the tough part.
    I dont mind giving money to PILs, but they never helped me or hubby or my DD.
    they treated us like trash..now all a sudden DH is darling again because he is in onsite., makes me waitingsmiley
     
  5. SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    @Vedhavalli, Does your DH agree with you on his parents treating him/you badly ? Doe he think they are just after money ? or does he fight with you if you raise any topic against his parents ?

    My hubby would never accept anything i say against his parents (even small thing ) even if he knows that's true. If his parents say milk is black , he would agree. Their money demands are same , even if he knows they are asking money without need , he would just give it . So it was hard for me. Every time i would question him why so much sending money on his parents , he would fight with me. Honestly that has been main reason for my bad marriage. These days i just let him spend however amount he wants to send/spend on them. i let it go for my peace of mind .

    So you evaluate your situation. Make sure you have saving for future. But be aware it shouldn't cost you your marriage. Telling it by my experience.
     
  6. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    @SadMarried -
    Yes, he gets angry when i raise this topic of money for his parents. He doesnt open mouth directly but states disappointment to MIL. Not open fight.

    I cant let go huge amount as he has already given his 6 years of salary before our wedding and paid their personal loan.. now and then demands..DH had only 4000 at time our honey moon..
    MIL took all money, literally wiped his pockets for her and her DD.

    I wonder whom to control my DH or his parents..MIL thinks we earn like ambanis and tatas.. She knows we have home loan etc. despite that she behaves cheap asking for money. In her mind, she wants my money - which i never give (why should i), so indirectly puts pressure on DH to get money.
    MIL wont let me save...because of her tactics only we bought a flat and paying emi.

    to cite a good eg:

    After a few days of our wedding, we went a feast organized by a relative, on the way to home (when my DH was not around) we were sitting in a rly station – she asked me a clear bold tone, how much u got ur salary, why u dint tell me that u got pay, I was waiting that u ll say, wouldn’t u tell ur mom? I was amused because the date was 17[SUP]th[/SUP] almost 17 days after the salary day. I was just married for 28 days imagine how I would have felt. She had in her mind for 15 days to ask. when we used live with PIL, almost two days once MIL would ask about my & my father’s monetary details. Like how much u spend, where is ur dad’s new flat, whom would he give. I remain mute as if i dint hear.
     
  7. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    My inlaws dint call my DD for varalaxmi vratham, diwali, karthigai, pongal.....or any of the festivals.. since her birth.
    Now all of a sudden, my MIL and her sister is visiting my parent's place to see the kid...i dont understand, now how the affection sprouts..just because my dh in onsite?

    MIL came to see the kid, with chocolates, dress etc. this monday..
    After her every visit, my peace of mind goes away...
    that too after work, they visit only during my office hours.

    I wanted to ask her, why she is coming now, not all these 1.4 years..

    I cant tell them direct to not see the kid. (my parent will pick a fight not to earn bad name)

    Please help me.. Dont know how to stop this.
    If MIL had behaved the same from dd's birth, i wont mind... but she dint lift her finger for my kid..now all of a sudden she is visiting kid in the lieu of love for grandkid. (how come it sprung after my dh going to USA )

    dear mod, Please move this thread to Relation ship with inlaws.
     
  8. Vennella

    Vennella Gold IL'ite

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    First, never argue about money being given to MIL.
    I am sure your husband knows his parents are looting him. But when a third person says it, he WILL get defensive. Once he gets defensive, in his mind, his parents will be seen as old and fragile. Once emotions take over, the whole financial issue gets lost.

    your best bet is to use tact. Something happens to increase your expenses, and so there is no money left to send to them. Buying assets, savings for DD, relating to DH stories about imaginary friends who got sick/laid off/etc with NO savings etc might help. Use your creativity here.

    MIL is being extra nice to DD now, frustrating for you, definitely, look past it. After all she is a grandmom however she likes to define that relation.

    you will gain nothing by repeatedly telling DH about his parents. He already knows. Let them exasperate him with their demands while you remain the mute spectator.
     
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  9. sun01

    sun01 Bronze IL'ite

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    Increase the expenses buying car, pay insurances, furnish house, buying some land .....etc being nice to your DH. You could do these with peace of mind.

    Saving for kid may not help, as your DH already said why to hurry just one year old

    You have to feel proud for your achievements and feel happy, live healthy and happy life.

    Loving money is not good.

    We could earn money with good health and peace of mind , but we can not buy health and peace of mind with money.
     

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