1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Rebel Mode On- Unable To Let Things Go Like Before

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by preeti6years, Jul 11, 2019 at 3:31 PM.

  1. preeti6years

    preeti6years Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    17
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi All,
    I have been posting rarely in this forum. As I mentioned in my previous post, I am having a challenging married life because of my inlaws. Initially it was MIL, BIL playing around, DH dancing to their tunes. After BILs marriage some sense has gone into DH's head and things were little better.
    I have 1.5 yr old dd and I am working. Since the time I came back post delivery there has been one issue or the other created indirectly. So its like a daily challenge. Once it will be with taking care of my dd, other time it will be because of brain washing dh or if nothing works out, silently and indirectly showing hatred towards me by MIL. I learnt to ignore all this nonsense. She tried her level best to make me quit the job. Luckily DH also is not in favor of this. So I am saved.
    MIL hates me at each and every step which I dont care. She tries to put me down by being nice with my cosis. Back talks about me to her relatives and maid. Puts all stupid things into my husbands head.
    So far I have let go things for my own peace.
    Not I am not sure if its because of my postpartum (will it last this long?) I am getting angry and irritated with all the things happening around. So much that sometimes i confronted my husband on few things which i never did before. I am showing the anger by reciprocating the things they do to me.
    Now last week I had been to my moms house for a couple of days.MIL made faces and started showing her crooked behavior as usual. I was extremely angry with her, so much that I left some eatable which she gave me to give it to my mom. Initially H was ok with the plan (He doesnt appreciate me going over there), but just the day before I went he was very angry with me(Some background music played by MIL surely). So much he did not prefer to have dinner with me. He was so rude when I was leaving the house. Again I got so angry that even I did not call him for two days.
    During this episode, I got know through his whatsapp messages from his bro that BIL purchased a house in abroad and they have shared all the pics to him and ILs. Cosis told me about this. Neither MIL nor H told me about this. I really dont know what MIL thinks of me.
    Now putting all this together I am so pissed off that I am also giving dead silent treatment to my husband which he usually does to me. I am skipping all the house chores which I usually do. I am just taking care of my dd and nothing else. He had plans of going out station for a days visit. I did not even ask him when he will come back. He is surprised by my attitude now. I am giving a damn to everyone at home.
    I dont know if all this is for good or not. But for now I have chosen to be like this.
    One thing is for sure, I am not craving for anybodys attention/affection now. I was damn happy while at moms house. Roamed around, did shopping,, had fun with siblings and their kids.
    Have I picked up the right battle here? The fight mode will be on only if I open the discussion with my H which I dont want to. Because obviously it is of no use.
    Am I going wrong somewhere? Is there anything else which I can do?
     
    Sandyr46 likes this.
    Loading...

  2. winterhue

    winterhue Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    38
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Welcome to the club of "I have had enough of taking **** and I am going to live my life" club :) Its lonely, but peaceful here :)
    First things first, dont let it slide with your husband.It does look like your H wont see his own parent's faults, so there is no use convincing him. I would propose, break the dead silence - live your life like you are right now, only caring for yourself and your kid and only doing chores that are absolutely necessary but just behave normally with everyone. Make this the new normal. Stop being emotionally dependant on him ,so that he knows that he cant emotionally blackmail you.
    Second, STOP feeling bad about not being included in BILs and Co-sis's business. Its their house, tlet them do what they feel. If ever they tell you stuff, give a big fake smile and say "Congratulations!! I am so happy for you" and just move on. THAT is a battle not worth picking up.
     
  3. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    50
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    1. Keep up with the "damn I dont care of anyone" and "silent treatment" .
    2. Bil buys home its ok. Fake and smile and tell congrats and show you are happy for them. Playfully say that if you had been informed this before, you would have been more happy for them. (Keep big smile even if fake all the time when you say this).

    3. Enjoy your life and spend time with your dd and pamper yourself. Dont do anything for dh except imp things till he gets irritated by your ignorance andn silence n comes to you n asks you to pour your heart out and listen to you.

    4. Be assertive of your position in his life and in your home. If they dont give you the value, you value yourself n show them your position and that you wont tolerate any $h!t.
     
    winterhue likes this.
  4. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    198
    Likes Received:
    258
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    The best thing u have done is not really wanting the attention or affection, loving the things u do, and setting that space. Just ignore and stay in that bliss. Confrontation will only cause disputes and its best left out there. As the saying goes only when two hands join to clap there will be noise. Ignorsnce is bliss. And I would also suggest to keep a sarcastic plastic smile mask at all times. Let them instigate u dont react. Eventually they will understand nothing impacts u nymore. Keep the 'dont care attitude' if they leave u out of the equation, no problem just hold ur head high smile n move on. Let them get bigger houses, bitch behind ur back just let it go. Even if ur husband instigates a conversation dont retort back. Ok n I dont give a damn. Eventually they will get tired and back off...
     
  5. Angela123

    Angela123 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    21
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female


    You sound like me for treating the husband part. However, I have learned from the past that it will not leave us anywhere. I used to do this, but have changed a lot in the last few years. With other people, it might not matter. But with husband, it matters. So I disagree with people who support you on the silent treatment to the husband. The thing is if you really love your husband and he has the same affection, all these silent treatment is going to bite you back at some point. Especially, if you both are similar type of people. When you are angry, it better to let him know and try to find a healthier way to move past it. So I would suggest a "they go low, we go high" approach. Even if you are angry with him, remember that he is your partner, you love him and need each other. If you try to behave the exact same way as your husband treats you when he is angry, it is not healthy for the relationship. You can still be angry and love him.

    I do not know how to deal with the MIL or BIL issues, but I feel like you are not picking the right fight with your husband. Hope this helps!
     
    confused4sure likes this.
  6. deepthyanoop

    deepthyanoop Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    283
    Likes Received:
    248
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi dear,
    You did not do anything wrong and you are just learning to survive among a bunch of insensitive selfish people. This belittling a dil ( mostly the victim dil will be the one who lives with mil) and caring too much for another dil is the technique Mils had done for years I think. Don't fall for it dear... Tell her you too agree co sis is really an angel and bil is the god himself. So the inlaws can stay with them too,right?
    Then husband, from the threads I read here it is a long battle to tackle... Let's hope he will come into his senses soon.I have an advice for you. If you are depending on your Mil for the childcare when you go for job,its time to rethink about it. The lesser you depend on her for anything,its better for you in the long run. Hope you can find your peace soon. Best wishes.
     
  7. confused4sure

    confused4sure Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    54
    Likes Received:
    37
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    agreed. try to arrange an alternate childcare solution for your DD.
    Never make yourself dependent on them. then you will feel obligated to tolerate..
    tell your husband, MIL is working so hard, social integration at daycare is important etc...

    This is great advice. don't do the silent treatment...
    have a plastic smile, be happy but show them you don't care about them. This will get under their skin more than the silent treatment.

    Again agree with @Angela123. once in a while, silent treatment is ok... but don't make it a habit with your husband. This will create cracks in long term..
     
  8. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    582
    Likes Received:
    1,389
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    DH not appreciating you visiting your parents and angry / does not eat dinner with you: right battle

    MIL or DH not informing you about BIL buying house: wrong battle.
    ( BIL and wife have a nice house and are happy together while you are spoiling your relationship with husband because of this) .

    Pick and choose your battles.

    Your “don’t care attitude” comes after years of suppressing your anger and disappointment. Instead , ask husband out for coffee and tell him what you appreciate and don’t appreciate at all. Let him know about the last straw that broke the camel’s back. This is a good time to make new rules about what is acceptable or not acceptable.
     
    shravs3, sbonigala and Sunshine04 like this.
  9. preeti6years

    preeti6years Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    17
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi All,
    Thank you for those greats inputs and advice given.
    @winterhue : I am normal and not showing any anger on my face. And I have limited my daily chores too. As you said I am just being busy by myself. Post my DH angry session also I ask him if he wants to have dinner along or later. But now I have stopped asking again and again. That is the difference.
    @PurpleRoses : Exactly what you said is running in my mind. I am assertive about my position at home. Its ok if they dont break the news. But what it reveals is how much i am valued at home. This is what I am fighting for.
    @Sandyr46 : Exactly I wont open my mouth until its damn important
    @Angela123 : I had been the person what you suggested for quite a long time and I landed no where because of that. I tolerated all the trash at home just and only just because of him before having a baby. He himself has seen how biased his mom is towards BIL. He changes his approach towards me based on the situation.Like when BIL was here, he knows I will pick up a fight with him and hence he was very nice to me. The moment he left DH was back to his original bahavior. Doesnt ask me if I am sad, doesnt even try to find out what went wrong. If I open the topic on my own, it takes twists and turns and lands nowhere. I am fed up of that vicious circle now. Hence chose this "Go Silent" path.
    @deepthyanoop : To avoid dependency itself I have hired a caretaker for my dd (I have mentioned in my earlier post). Its just that she feeds food to dd in my absence that too because DH asked to do. I have not asked her to do anything for my dd.
    @confused4sure : I have always been marked as a very easy going person with no hard feelings at all. But this time the way dh behaved towards me hurt a lot and hence I have chosen to give him the taste of his own medicine. He has to understand what it is to feel abandoned.
    @SinghManisha : Communication is a huge problem in my married life. In these 8 years fights have happened only because i pick up issues and he doesnt at all. Instead he gulps them all and one fine day ushers all the venom when I pickup something. He acts as if we should speak about anything controversial. I have never ever complained about his mom. But last time when I told him about her nasty talks he got so irritated and said that he will ask his mom to shutup (really??). He gets so defensive when I try to put up my concern. Its only now a days that I am gathering courage and letting him know what his mother does to me.
     

Share This Page