Really worth?

priyanka12345 · Jan 9, 2013

Is it really worth living with PIL'S and abusive husband for sake of child?Is someone else doing this?

smile14 · Jan 9, 2013

Hey, on this question everybody will be having there own different views based on their opining and experiences......so there is not standard and perfect answer to this.....
IMO taking abuse and bearing wrong actions is anyway wrong.....as it is said that bearing injustice is worse than doing it......

Before taking any decision I would suggest to analyst few things:
1. Find the reason behind the behavior of PIL and husband. If there is anything which could be improved by counseling or changing few pattern from your end or anything like this which actually could be resolved.

2. If nothing seems to work anyway then do think about your condition? Are you capable to raise your child as a single mother and provide him proper eduction?

3. See to provide a healthy environment to your child is the foremost priority for you as a mother. Every child will grow up and will understand why you have taken the step of separation if you give him right upbringing. In an abusive environment he will get the same which he will listen and see.

Finally I would suggest do not take abusive behavior and raise your voice against it. You deserve to be respected and live a normal life. No body means NOBODY has the right to treat anybody in wrong manner who so ever it is......so please think think and think with a cool and strong mind....Do take your decision and respect your decision and stick to it......

Lost of best wishes to you.....Time will change.....so have TRUST....

seekingpeace · Jan 9, 2013

priyanka12345 said: ↑

Is it really worth living with PIL'S and abusive husband for sake of child?Is someone else doing this?
Click to expand...

priyanka,

dont know ur personal situation..,but like smile14 said, it depends from person to person and case to case..in those days many ppl put up with ILs and abusive spouse for the sake of children and society

But times are changing with women being independent these days, it really is a personal choice..what i can say from my personal exp is this:

My parents tolerated each other because of us kids, and even we had asked them many times to get divorced when we were in our 8th/9th and mature enough to understand whats really going on..they didnt get divorced..now i know personally that my elder sister has been affected to a great extent bcoz of our childhood - parents fighting almost daily - tempers flaring everywhere..my elder sis is now very short tempered and has some personal issues bcoz of our childhood..

i luckily til now have not had any negative effect of our childhood bcoz i dealt with it in a different way...

you need to take a call whether you want your child to be impacted..if your situation at home is going to continue forever ..would you want your child to be impacted by this? it really depends on whr ur situation is totally unsolvable or not!!

OliveOyl · Jan 9, 2013

Answer this question: Is the child the ONE AND ONLY reason that you are living together as man and wife? If yes, that is the ONLY reason, then feel free to move on. Usually it is a complex web of different layers of emotions and ties...cannot be just the child...

seethavarma · Jan 9, 2013

If your financial background is stable and zero feelings btw husband and wife-then get out of it and move on!
you know it better,as 2 lines dont explain much!

priyanka12345 · Jan 9, 2013

OliveOyl said: ↑

Answer this question: Is the child the ONE AND ONLY reason that you are living together as man and wife? If yes, that is the ONLY reason, then feel free to move on. Usually it is a complex web of different layers of emotions and ties...cannot be just the child...
Click to expand...

yes my child is the only reason.
1)I dont feel like spending time with husband without my child.
2) I go out with him on weekends so that my child enjoys. Other than that I dont enjoy with husband any movie ,lunch/dinner etc.
3) However I dont wish that my child suffers and just does not get the love from my husband just because of me.
4) I dont want to be close to my husband.
5) I dont talk to my inlaws unless absolutely necessary.
6) I dont get any emotional support from my in laws or husband.
7) I dont wish to disclose any professional things with my husband nor discuss abt the my entire day at work
8) Even for vacations, I did go in december just that my son gets a break and enjoys which he did.
9) I prefer watching any serial/movie alone without my husband.
10) I dont want to go with my husband together to office. I try to avoid that to be alone with him in a car and talk with him
11) I do not disclose any personal things related to my parents as he has said many bad words to them like MF etc etc
12) I did not feel like enjoying with him for his birthday and did not plan for any party. When MIL commented abt that , I mentioned her to ask my DH. I did still bring a shirt for him. Dont know why?
13) for our anniversary too we had a fight and did not wish eachother,Although we went with my child to dinner since PILS were asking our plans. I was not ready to go without my child at that time too whereas he was.
14) I dont feel like waiting for him for dinner. However I do call him and ask abt his time to come as my PILs may feel strange.If its going to take even 30 mins I have my dinner.
15) his abuses for my parents with very very bad words , comparison of my behaviour with his parents viz-a-viz my parents,his accusations of being bad to my son ( he mentioned my son is very ill fated as he is born to me - because I did not give him a vegetable prepared by my MIL . He felt the reason bcos I dont like that vegetable and hence would not want my son to have it :bonk . Howver my son had entire bowl of rice dal and i was sure he wont have chappati and hence did not take vegetable in my plate . His camparison of what my parnets gave my son etc etc , his bad words for my parents has made us apart)
16) accusations of being bad mother are more.. which went to extent that I pinched him once purposefully so as to avoid he going to my MIL :bowdown
17) Fed up of all these accusations and verbal abuses, I have grown emotionally and phyiscally distant to him.
18) I dont cook much at home and dont get involved in kitchen matters as my MIL wants to rule there.
19) My MIL , SIL have accused and abused me of being a bad DIL. They have comments on my parents upbringing as well. issues I dont call MIL mother , dont know how to worship etc etc. My husband supported them in each of these accusations.
20) I am just fine with living there to spend time with my son. wake up , gop to office , play with son , eat and sleep.I dont comment on any food or festivals
21) I dont want any gifts from my husband nor any wishes. For new year as well was not keen to be awake till 12 to wish him. I generally sleep after 30 min my child sleeps.
22) WE dont fight much as we talk less . In some circumstances we fight and the result is past abt my parents brouyght up, bad words to them, my behaviopur with PILS brought up and proved how bad dIL I am.
23) Just have had enough hurt and living for my son so that he is in family and not alone . I have this guilt that I brought him in this world and he deserves love of his dad as well. things between me and husband should not affect him.
Am I wrong?

seethavarma · Jan 9, 2013

Why cant u both go for counselling?
Its easy to sign it off,but?

Mahajanpragati · Jan 9, 2013

it seems your relation has gone bad because of his insults to your parents & his wrongly accusing something which you never did...........better both of you spend some time together ,you put your issues infront of him & he puts hislisten to each others explanation without being judgemental.........reach some decision like he will not abuse your parents & you will let PIL be involved in child's upbringing.........watch what happens for 6 mths & it things turn better continuse.....

lack of communication,ego seems to be the cause of this gap in your relationship & i am sure your hubby also feels the lack of love ,understanding in this relationship & must have realised that something has to be done............give it a try for your child's sake.....

seekingpeace · Jan 9, 2013

is ur H affectionate to ur son?

if u stay, think what kind of life ur son will grow up seeing..he will think that the way u and ur H behave., are the way parents are supposed to be..thats not normal and he will also grow distant and be like u/ur H when he reaches teens..u wudnt want that either...

what does ur H feel towards u? is he ok with ur current arrangement? is that how u both plan to live the rest of ur life? is he ok for divorce? like seethaverma said ..can u both try counseling once?

i think u r better off without ur H since it seems you feel nothing for him..u may be ok now but a few years down the lane u will start resenting ur life..better move on ..u can get joint custody ..

priyanka12345 · Jan 9, 2013

my PIL as taking care of my son when I am at work. For that also I had just mentioned him when I started work that we keep a maid to ease out the work for PILs. My husband thought I dont want my son to be with PILs and dont trust them hence the suggesstion. I did not keep a maid till now and dont plan to unless husband or PILs say.

AS for abusive language he feels I forget after some days and we are back and wants initimacy. I dread that and am not wanting any.I cannot forget the hurts from my husband or PILs and cannot forgive them. I have become indifferent to them .It does not matter to me if they speak, tell me any updates, ask me any household things etc etc. even if my husband does not mention any updates related to family , I am fine. I have accepted all this and leading my life.

however his abuses dont stop and I had it yesterday as well because of that vegetable issue .this time I could not forget and slept down with my son on his bed. I dont know if my husband had realized how apart are we drifting because he thinks I will forget and be normal with him , which I used to try. Now I dont want to try . his words yesterday has crossed the limits and I have no feelings for him now.