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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ilovesai, Jun 14, 2017.

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Jun 14, 2017 #11

Miradia New IL'ite

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can someone tell me how to post

Miradia, Jun 14, 2017

Miradia, Jun 14, 2017

#11
Jun 14, 2017 #12

ilovesai Silver IL'ite

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Sandycandy said: ↑

You are more than justified is feeling upset with your husband. Talk to him in private about how you think his behavior was very unreasonable , hopefully he understands . Convey your expectations to him clearly. If he does not want to do the laundry, ask him to help with cooking , dishes etc . Don't use your MIL as a tool to get back at your husband, will make things more stressful.
For future visits, It's best not to mix the mother and MIL, makes things really complicated. Its not fair to your mom with her health issues to have to do the MIL's chores. Also I am sure traveling with the MIL must have been stressful .
Please try to resolve any issues with the hubby in private, you don't want to stress your mom further . Take care !
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Thanks Sandy! Yep, I already talked to him in private and told him it's not fair to expect guests to do the laundry especially when they have health issues.. For which, he said it is not my work to do your mom's clothes, but my mom has been washing and sorting everyone's clothes for the last one week.. He said he can't help with cooking, because it's not his work either.. Dishes my mom washes it by hand and doesn't let us use dishwasher.. Now I'm doing laundry also myself, I just wash everyone's clothes other than my husband's , because of what he said.. He was so loud when he said why should I wash your mom's clothes, and my mom heard it and came down and said I will wash everyone's clothes.. So mom and I make coffee for mil, serve food, I make the food, clean the house, now the laundry which he was doing is also on me.. Mom doesn't mind doing all the work in spite of her health issues, and mil watches tv all day, and doesn't even fold her own clothes or make coffee.. That's okay, if he helps out, I don't mind helping out my mil.. but when he sees my mom as alien, I think I should step back too..

ilovesai, Jun 14, 2017

ilovesai, Jun 14, 2017

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Jun 14, 2017 #13

ilovesai Silver IL'ite

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ashneys said: ↑

It does sound mean. Especially when you have done and do sooo much. I can understand how frustrating this can get.

Btw is he required to touch her clothes or is the machine fully automatic? Sometimes son in laws might feel a lil uncomfy about touching his in laws clothes.

You can try talkin to him softly, in private. If it still doesn't work, Why not give him some other work till they leave?

Your mil doesn't have to suffer for your dhs stubbornness. And you can teach him a lesson after they leave and till then come to a certain adjustment till they are there. Because in the end, it's your mom who might feel more hurt and uncomfortable if she sees you guys fighting because of her. It's better for your mom if she sees you guys relaxed.

Bringing parents and in laws together puts a lot of pressure on you and your parents. Your mom may find it extra hard to relax and will be in a constant need to work and help around the house because your mil is there. It's better to have them separately.
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Thanks Ashney! He has to pick the clothes from washer and load it into the dryer.. Btw he was doing laundry for everyone including my mom during my mom's previous visit.. Now that his mom is around, I think he is acting this way.. I can't wait until they leave, so giving it back by not doing his clothes, but for him anyway it's just his clothes and he doesn't have to wash every day.. I don't really expect my mil to do anything, but I think my husband should treat my mom same way as he does to his mom..

ilovesai, Jun 14, 2017

ilovesai, Jun 14, 2017

#13
Jun 14, 2017 #14

ilovesai Silver IL'ite

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yellowmango said: ↑

Why did you make your mother a travel caretaker for a mean mil ?

If you do not respect your mom then how do you expect others to do so?

Did you seriously expect that your mil will do house work when your mom is around?

Did you really expect your mom to sit around like your mil while her daughter was getting over worked?

We all know what happens when mom and mil are around in the same house? So why did you get them together? Specially when your mom too has a back problem.

Now you cannot make a scene because your mom will end up feeling worse than she is already.

Now all you can do is just do all the work And try to not make her bend and stress her back. Do the laundry yourself and ask mom to chop veggies sitting at the table comfortably.

Tell your mean husband, you are not going to make a scene now but from next time he can travel with his mom and take care of her during her stay because even you will not wash 'other women's ' clothes and dishes.
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Thanks yellow mango.. That's true! I should have not offered to have my mom help with mil's travel.. I'm doing all the work trying to limit what my mom does on top of all other office work.. If he can be protective of his mom, why shouldn't I? This is being plain mean..

ilovesai, Jun 14, 2017

ilovesai, Jun 14, 2017

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Jun 14, 2017 #15

ilovesai Silver IL'ite

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Elsa said: ↑

If you want to maintain peace and a good relationship with your husband, I would suggest you to take up the laundry task and give him something else to do. Can he clean the kitchen? Of cook a meal or make tea for everyone? If you have a washing machine, do your laundry once a week or twice.

You could consider hiring a maid for cleaning the house and kitchen, get chopped vegetables from the grocery store or request the maid to do the chopping for you. You could make the same dish for dinner and next day's lunch too, so that you can save time. Make coffee with the instant coffee powder instead of tea.
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Thanks Elsa.. Nope, he doesn't want to do cooking either.. Yep, but the maid can only come alternate days, which my mil won't be okay with..

ilovesai, Jun 14, 2017

ilovesai, Jun 14, 2017

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Jun 14, 2017 #16

ilovesai Silver IL'ite

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BhumiBabe said: ↑

First of all, I am amazed that you have both your mother and your MIL in the same house, for an extended period of time. That itself would make the family dynamics strange. I've only done this once, and while I just delivered...so, there was enough excitement in the house that nothing drastic or complicated happened.

Laundry and dishwasher tasks... I suggest that you don't make a fuss and take over the laundry for now. But when you have some time alone, just talk to your husband about how much work there is, and it's becoming really frustrating. Eventually, draw him into agreeing to take over one or two of the chores, like washing the dishes or making coffee. Say that you don't want to burden your guests (both MIL and Mom), so both of you should work together to maintain the house and take care of them.

Do you fold EVERYONE's clothes? I hope not, but I make sure to divide the clothes and wash them in separate loads (1-MIL&FIL, 2-me&H, 3-kid). I do not take anyone's handwash item, that's each person responsibility. After washing and drying, the responsibility is per person, except the kid, of course.

Telling mom's not to help out is the toughest thing, and they don't want to listen, because they want to help us out as much as they can. If she starts helping, divert her into something else - like please sit with your children and spend time with them, or rest with your MIL.

You're in the US, so I understand that hiring a maid seems really expensive, but do consider it. At least cleaning the house/bathrooms/etc. would not be your burden anymore. You might actually not have this problem (I am currently facing this)
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Hi Bhumi Babe, it was my idea to bring them together as mil is not used to traveling alone.. My mom washes and folds everyone's clothes.. Yes, hiring a maid is very expensive and people are only willing to come alternate days.. The problem is him and his attitude.. To top it, mil always says mean things to everyone like the food i cook is mushy and I serve old rice (i keep fresh rice every morning).. I caught her when she was saying that on phone to someone, and she said, no your mom only told it's old rice, I asked my mom she said I didn't say that it's old rice.. she simply put the blame on my mom when I asked her..

ilovesai, Jun 14, 2017

ilovesai, Jun 14, 2017

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Jun 14, 2017 #17

Elsa Gold IL'ite

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ilovesai said: ↑

Thanks Elsa.. Nope, he doesn't want to do cooking either.. Yep, but the maid can only come alternate days, which my mil won't be okay with..
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Because its your house, you should be calling the shots. Hire a maid, let her do the cleaning and laundry. If your MIL has a problem with it, ask her if she can do it for you becasue you cannot manage everything on your own.

Delegate as much work to the maid as you can for as long as your husband and MIL cannot help you. If you cannot make time for cooking, hire a cook as well. Be firm and do not budge. Or just order food from outside on days you dont feel like cooking.

Ask your mom not to do any work in the house if your MIL doesnt do any of it. If possible, please let your husband do his and his mom's laundry while you or your mom do yours and your mom's. Do not even get into any discussions.

Elsa, Jun 14, 2017

Elsa, Jun 14, 2017

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Jun 14, 2017 #18

deepthyanoop Gold IL'ite

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yellowmango said: ↑

Why did you make your mother a travel caretaker for a mean mil ?

If you do not respect your mom then how do you expect others to do so?

Did you seriously expect that your mil will do house work when your mom is around?

Did you really expect your mom to sit around like your mil while her daughter was getting over worked?

We all know what happens when mom and mil are around in the same house? So why did you get them together? Specially when your mom too has a back problem.

Now you cannot make a scene because your mom will end up feeling worse than she is already.

Now all you can do is just do all the work And try to not make her bend and stress her back. Do the laundry yourself and ask mom to chop veggies sitting at the table comfortably.

Tell your mean husband, you are not going to make a scene now but from next time he can travel with his mom and take care of her during her stay because even you will not wash 'other women's ' clothes and dishes.
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Yellowmango,
Such an apt reply.. I am becoming a fan of yours.

deepthyanoop, Jun 14, 2017

deepthyanoop, Jun 14, 2017

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yellowmango likes this.
Jun 14, 2017 #19

yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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Op why is your mil deciding on the maid when she doesn't lift a finger?
Let the maid clean on alternate days. If she objects....let her clean or get her son to clean.

You should not let your mom wash utensil by hand. That really puts pressure on the back. You load the dish washer and tell your mom to do other work like chopping / cooking / folding clothes etc.

yellowmango, Jun 14, 2017

yellowmango, Jun 14, 2017

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Jun 14, 2017 #20

Brevity Gold IL'ite

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Ignore MIL's suggestions politely regarding housework since she does not contribute anything to it.
You keep yours and your mom's dresses apart and do a weekly laundry once. Ask husband to wash and fold his, kids' and his mother's dresses. Don't contribute to his laundry responsibility in any way. You have your own weekly load.
You don't fold anyone's dresses. Just sort and deliver to their respective rooms. Ask kids (if they are above 8 or 10) to involve in this sorting and delivering. Everyone can fold and put their own stuff in their cupboard. Let kids have a slightly messy, just sorted cupboard until the extra guests leave.
Don't let your mom strain on your account. You flat out refuse when she offers to do more stuff.
Employ a help. Alternate days is more than enough.
Don't argue with petty minded husband. Just say that this is your best. He can pitch in whichever way he wants to.

Brevity, Jun 14, 2017

Brevity, Jun 14, 2017

#20

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