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Really Need Help!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ilovesai, Jun 14, 2017.

  1. ilovesai

    ilovesai Silver IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    Just to give a quick brief, my mom and mother in law are here.. mil had some minor surgery and is close to 70, and not used to traveling alone, so got her here along my mom. I had my mom pick her up from her city and then had them travel together.. Mom also had a backbone surgery few years ago, but she is good.. Both of them can walk, do stuff, but mil is quite reluctant and doesn't even want to make coffee on her own.
    Although mil has been mean, I never treated her bad anyway and always thought it will be good to have her too.. I could have simply avoided her trip by telling mom cannot travel to her city and pick her up.. .

    I take care of all the cooking work, making coffee, etc.. The problem is dh used to do the laundry/washing clothes and dishwasher (before their visit), and me rest of the work from making dinner and next day's lunch.. The washer requires bending and loading, and because my mom had back complications in the past, I don't want her to do it.. But she never listens and keeps doing it.. If I ask my husband to help, he picks the clothes, keeps it near washer and go back to browsing on phone.. I asked him if he can bring the clothes all the way to downstairs, why can't he also load it into the washing machine.. Before their visit, he used to do the laundry, I used to take care of sorting and folding.. He said I can't wash your mom's clothes, I found it very rude.. Because I do all the work around the house and mom too makes coffee, serves food for my mil at times, and washes all dishes, we never expected anything from my mil.. The only thing I asked him to help out is laundry washing and I found his answer very rude.. All these days my mom was washing all of our clothes (including my husband's and mil's) and washing all our vessels, considering her back issues, I requested my husband to help with the laundry.. He said it's not my job to wash your mom's/ other ladies clothes.. I wonder why is it my job to do for his mom.. I'm not sure how to put up with such mean attitude.. I have washed his dad's clothes when he was here previously..

    To give a little background, I work full time, have kids, commute an hour to work, work early shift, leave home at 5:30 am and come back home at 4:30 pm, then make next day's lunch, current day's dinner, then clean the kitchen, make tea for everyone, then spend few minutes towards my masters degree, then catch up with any pending office work, then go to bed.. I feel very stressed, now added to that I have to do the laundry too, because after he said in an angry voice that I can't wash other ladies clothes in front of my mom, I have to do the laundry too.. How is this fair? Should I stop washing mil's clothes too, but I thought it will be rude to do that, and I have been washing mil's clothes too, because the problem is only with my husband.. How do I teach him a lesson? My mom heard what my husband said, she came to me and said I will wash all your clothes, don't catch up a fight.. This hurt me a lot, I could sense sadness in my mom's face, but she didn't show it..Maybe she thought what a bad son in law he must be.. I'm so hurt..
     
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  2. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    You are more than justified is feeling upset with your husband. Talk to him in private about how you think his behavior was very unreasonable , hopefully he understands . Convey your expectations to him clearly. If he does not want to do the laundry, ask him to help with cooking , dishes etc . Don't use your MIL as a tool to get back at your husband, will make things more stressful.
    For future visits, It's best not to mix the mother and MIL, makes things really complicated. Its not fair to your mom with her health issues to have to do the MIL's chores. Also I am sure traveling with the MIL must have been stressful .
    Please try to resolve any issues with the hubby in private, you don't want to stress your mom further . Take care !
     
    Naari and SpritualSoul like this.
  3. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    It does sound mean. Especially when you have done and do sooo much. I can understand how frustrating this can get.

    Btw is he required to touch her clothes or is the machine fully automatic? Sometimes son in laws might feel a lil uncomfy about touching his in laws clothes.

    You can try talkin to him softly, in private. If it still doesn't work, Why not give him some other work till they leave?

    Your mil doesn't have to suffer for your dhs stubbornness. And you can teach him a lesson after they leave and till then come to a certain adjustment till they are there. Because in the end, it's your mom who might feel more hurt and uncomfortable if she sees you guys fighting because of her. It's better for your mom if she sees you guys relaxed.

    Bringing parents and in laws together puts a lot of pressure on you and your parents. Your mom may find it extra hard to relax and will be in a constant need to work and help around the house because your mil is there. It's better to have them separately.
     
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2017
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Why did you make your mother a travel caretaker for a mean mil ?

    If you do not respect your mom then how do you expect others to do so?

    Did you seriously expect that your mil will do house work when your mom is around?

    Did you really expect your mom to sit around like your mil while her daughter was getting over worked?

    We all know what happens when mom and mil are around in the same house? So why did you get them together? Specially when your mom too has a back problem.

    Now you cannot make a scene because your mom will end up feeling worse than she is already.

    Now all you can do is just do all the work And try to not make her bend and stress her back. Do the laundry yourself and ask mom to chop veggies sitting at the table comfortably.

    Tell your mean husband, you are not going to make a scene now but from next time he can travel with his mom and take care of her during her stay because even you will not wash 'other women's ' clothes and dishes.
     
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Does your husband not feel bad seeing your mother serving his mother?
    But feels disrespected putting his mother in laws clothes with everyone else's clothes in the washing machine .
    That just shows how little he respects his inlaws.

    If my husband behaved like that I would never ever let my parents visit me . Why call them and have them disrespected.

    I hope you are not planning to make your mom your mil's travel caretaker on the way back too.let your husband take care of that. May be then he will realise the value of such a considerate mother in law.

    Please take some time out and take your mom around sightseeing and some fun time. Them send her home by herself . You are a working woman ,you can afford to show her some good time.
     
  6. SpritualSoul

    SpritualSoul Gold IL'ite

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    Well said.. i second that
     
  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Stop washing and ironing your dh clothes once moms leave. In future , stop washing fil or mil's clothes. Let him do that.
    Now it is better not to create a scene
     
    ilovesai likes this.
  8. Elsa

    Elsa Gold IL'ite

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    If you want to maintain peace and a good relationship with your husband, I would suggest you to take up the laundry task and give him something else to do. Can he clean the kitchen? Of cook a meal or make tea for everyone? If you have a washing machine, do your laundry once a week or twice.

    You could consider hiring a maid for cleaning the house and kitchen, get chopped vegetables from the grocery store or request the maid to do the chopping for you. You could make the same dish for dinner and next day's lunch too, so that you can save time. Make coffee with the instant coffee powder instead of tea.
     
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  9. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    First of all, I am amazed that you have both your mother and your MIL in the same house, for an extended period of time. That itself would make the family dynamics strange. I've only done this once, and while I just delivered...so, there was enough excitement in the house that nothing drastic or complicated happened.

    Laundry and dishwasher tasks... I suggest that you don't make a fuss and take over the laundry for now. But when you have some time alone, just talk to your husband about how much work there is, and it's becoming really frustrating. Eventually, draw him into agreeing to take over one or two of the chores, like washing the dishes or making coffee. Say that you don't want to burden your guests (both MIL and Mom), so both of you should work together to maintain the house and take care of them.

    Do you fold EVERYONE's clothes? I hope not, but I make sure to divide the clothes and wash them in separate loads (1-MIL&FIL, 2-me&H, 3-kid). I do not take anyone's handwash item, that's each person responsibility. After washing and drying, the responsibility is per person, except the kid, of course.

    Telling mom's not to help out is the toughest thing, and they don't want to listen, because they want to help us out as much as they can. If she starts helping, divert her into something else - like please sit with your children and spend time with them, or rest with your MIL.

    You're in the US, so I understand that hiring a maid seems really expensive, but do consider it. At least cleaning the house/bathrooms/etc. would not be your burden anymore. You might actually not have this problem (I am currently facing this)
     
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  10. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    don't mix your cloths with your mom or MIL.

    Ask your husband just do your family cloths,and your mom can do her laundry,probably hire some help over the week end and she can help with your mil cloths or your husband can help with her cloths.

    don't start on your mom and my mom.that will back fire.
     

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