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Really Need Expert Advice A Mix Of Issues

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Goahead, Sep 23, 2019.

  1. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    So my husband is a Mum mas boy since our marriage of 15 years now . Yes 15 years and things have been getting worse with him . My inlaws and my Sil like to fetch money , and make him emotional guilty about everything . They know his weak nerve is them and they use it to the BEST . They also know that I know they try to use us and now they stay away from me and not even talk to me much.I'm happy this way BUT my husband keep bringing trouble in my life all the time in relation to inlaws. So much so that i actually feel that the blame should go to him for this entire mess up where my inlaws and I dnt get along and my MIL/SIL have the guts to say anything related to my parents/ girl/boy thing on my face . If my husband was not that mummas boy , they would have respected me more because they would know that there would be consequences of all these things .But now they know that no matter what their son will not say anything and will always take their side all the time

    So now , my husband wants to get my inlaws Green card done . his parents are enjoying their life, when they come here all they want to do is go around the world ,create troubles in our daily lifes and just complicate small little things in the house . I think thy have nothing else to do so all this happens and i already have a very busy life , i struggle dy to day basis with kids, job , cooking etc and on top of it they add their nuisances
    he always gives me this reason that he wants to take care when they are old. Which i have agreed to but i feel right now is not the age. Right now, they create more complexities and are very demanding . He does not say this directly but he keeps pointing that he wants to spend time with them but when i ask him to tell him clearly that his reason of bringing them permanently is that they are old or he wants t spend time , then he does not agree about the later as it hurts his male ego .

    because of this we are having so much fights, argument, discussions in our home and its killing me inside out. I try to tell him in many words as to why his mom is very dominating and at this age she wnt bend in and it will create more troubles for us .This leads to me telling him a lot of details about his mom and sister and how and what they do to me . Ocourse he wnt like it and he starts defending them immediately and i get super angry that how is he defending his mom all the time and what will happen when they move here and he will just support whatever they say or do .This all thing is getting very complicated and i'm loosing ll my respect for him .I already know that he always covers up his parents and they are always right and his logics get all messed up when it comes to protecting his mom and sister . Now its getting very upsetting and i have so much anger in my heart more for him that his mom and sister .As i said i have t believe that he is the cause of them being able to say anything to me than anyone else .

    I have even agreed to move them in but i'm worried that he will burn me out a lot .He has very high expectation of me doing stuff for them and kids spending time with them .So basically , he just drags all of us with him and it makes it very difficult. Basically he is a very emotional person and want to do the best for his parents and make sure kids spend time with his parents not caring about if they feel the same for me and kids .This is driving me crazy and i want to pen this down to him and dnt knw of words that will get my points without any fights .Help me Girls !
     
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  2. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    Wow...kudos...15years of being with a mummas boy is an achievement.
    Trust me, mine is a worst mummas boy too and its just 3yrs and I am.already done raising this mummas boy.

    Feels like i did bal vivah (child marriage) with an overgrown adult kid of 30yrs hahaha.

    Okay, coming to your issue, ahh I am staying with my inlaws and I know that pain.

    Hubby becomes a puppy and run around his parents all the time. No privacy of any sort. His parents storm in our bedroom anytime and especially when we are having husb and wife arguements and interfere between us.

    Due to all this, we have no bedroom intimacy. Anyhow point is, inlaws moving in when the hubby is a mummas boy is a bad sign.

    Please stand on your grounds. Dont fight.
    If he is adamant on bringing in his parents permanently, then tell him your rules.

    1. You will do bare minimum and not do cooking as per their needs or demands. If he is getting his parents even if you are not interested, then its his responsibility to take care of them not yours.

    2. Warn him that they can stay but not interfere in your personal married life.

    3. Tell him to ensure you both will take decisions together in home even if they come and stay permanently.

    This may sound selfish but as a victim I know how I have no value in house as inlaws take every minor n major decisions.

    I only get informed of their decisions. I take this as insult. But can't help since hubby is a useless immature mummas boy who refuses to grow up be a man.

    Hope other married ladies give more ideas
     
  3. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    You need to come up what is deal breaker for you and what is acceptable for you with regards to IL and talk to him or write and email if you cannot express without fighting.

    Please don’t wait thinking you will leave Husband when children are older .... you would have already wasted precious years of your life as well as mentally impacted children in a conflict environment ....

    You have an advantage and have a job already so please use that to your advantage

    It is easy to blame MIL but husband is real culprit here ......
     
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  4. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Tell him that you also want to apply for GC of your parents and bring their permanently if he brings his parents. See how it goes. You are also missing your parents and want to spent time with them.

    I don't have much experience dealing with PILS. Its a lot of work to take care of everyone. Will they get medical insurance here. But make a list of things you can take and you cannot take . Set the ground rules of them. Its his responsibility to take care of him, your role is to assist . He should not force you move them around. He has to do it. If you have time and energy you will join. They should not rule over you. MIL should take care of PILS as long as they are healthy or hire a help. You wont do their laundry. They should not interfere in your life or your family life. The schedule you already have with kids to be maintained. Your individual space should be respected. They should not interfere in your matters. He can spent time with parents, but he should spent equal time with you too. Write down all points in your mind. Then talk to him. Is it a home or apartment? Is it possible to give them a separate space (basement or another floor or another apartment) away from your space with all utility (TV etc).

    Deal with him in calm composed mode than a fighting or argument mode. or write this points and email to him (only if you are confident that he dont misuse). He is not respecting your position and dont value you, thats the main problem here.
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2019
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  5. Angela123

    Angela123 Silver IL'ite

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    OP,
    On this one, even if he bring them (you are in the US, I am assuming from green card mention), did he work out the detail on the old age insurance and such. Ask him about the details than letting him go about bringing them here. When they are old and need help, and if both of you are working, make sure the affordability of their care is something that you both are not overlooked. If both of you are working full time, it will be will be quite a challenge. If you husband has not though about this, ask him the details. The medical expenses alone is scary, unless they get medicare (for that I believe they have to work in the US for a certain period of time). Anyway, when your husband threatens you with bringing his parents here ask him how he has worked out all these. May be you will get a clue on how to handle this. It is going to be very expensive IMO, and emotionally draining, if they are moving at this point of their life. Sit down and have a talk with him about this. with the money you spent on them here for medical and other care, probably he can easily go visit them as needed.

    Now, if everything is affordable and he is bringing them here, lay down your rules as @PurpleRoses said. And do not budge. Would he rather care for what his wife say and have a peaceful family life than fight to bring his parents here? doesn't make sense after all these years. When telling him about letting parents stay home, offer him your support on helping them when they are old. You might not like this, but you have to offer something in return for your peaceful life here. Otherwise he gets nothing in this deal and will not agree for it.
    Hopefully you can negotiate it to making the PILs stay where they are now!!
     
  6. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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  7. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    You are right .. he plays this emotional drama that he and to US and now he has to take care of his parents etc no matter what the expenses are .. we will of course have very less savings if we have to pay for everything here by ourself but his explanation to that is will you not do for your kid how can I leave my parents and I can’t say anything. I tell him then it make sense to delay this process and bring them here when they really need help but he’s a miserable person who just cares for his parents and keep thinking about them all the time
     
  8. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    Said that and he just says that when the time comes we will see .. it’s your brother responsibility and we will help.. of course I had a ton of fights about it with him and then I realized that it’s no light. Dragging my parents in this conversation as when I’m ready for that I will do it too but right now he’s just miserable about the fact that he wants to live with parents all the time and spend time with them ..
     
  9. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    i Have just started to hate him so much for always thinking about his parents and sister all the time .. when I say that he says most of my time is spent with you guys and not them so that’s wrong . But in his mind he’s always thinking about his parents and siblings and always worries about every aspect of their life as if he’s responsible .

    I just hate my husband so much now and I really dnt k ow what to do .. on top of that he has no relationship with my family .. when my family talks he’s just nice talking back to them but nothing more .. never ever he will pick up the phone to call my siblings my parents .
    I dnt understand how husbands can be so mean to their wife’s when it comes to their family . Otherwise he’s ok alll the time .. there’s no complaints nothing but the fights arguments and hatred is all because of his family
     
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  10. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    Feels like you are my future self. I am currently having same issues with my husband all the more simce frkm day1 we are with his parents. Whenever I try to make him agree to take separate house, only fights and more fights comeup and nothing resolves than losing my peace.

    Sigh.

    And very rarely husbands will make efforts to gel well with wifes family dear. Yet they will want us to treat his family as priority. Thats the Indian men hypocrisy.

    We cant force them to speak to our parents and siblings. But make it clear that you shouldn't be forced too.

    And as per supreme court, it's daughter's right to tkcr of her parents even after marriage too. So your dh telling that your brother should take care is ridiculous.
     

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