Really Confused About My Husband's Behaviour. Pls Help.

OP,
Other than the 'I miss you' message what strong evidence you have. (that's why you cannot even talk against that girl's stand that there was no affair. This is why your husband says it is just a friendship). This is only thing I think you should have handled better. I know how devastating it is to handle this situation. But you should have remained calm, in watch mode as if nothing happened and collected proof as much as possible before confronting them. If one decide to cheat, they will find one way or another to do it.

He said about "Constant discord between me and my MIL"- was it new ? If men feel guilty they find reasons to blame. Just consider like that and don't give any importance to it.

Anyway past is past. We cant do anything about it. Anyway, maintain watch mode and think about future
Where are you living now ? with ILS or in separate home?

If you want to continue in this marriage- dont utter the word - divorce or separation. But show him there is an effect. Don't talk to him much- if ask something reply to the point, dont initiate talk. Stay way from his presence- another room or do something else. Completely ignore him- No service as wife ( if I were in your position I wont even cook for him). Build a life around you and your daughter. Find ways to be busy, to relax and enjoy moments. Detach emotionally from your husband- it is important even if you decide to stay with him as the life will never be the same like before. Take care of your health and beauty. Show that you have a life of your own and you are better without him, even if you decide to separate. Don't plead, argue, complain or fight- there will be no effect. Build your own circle of friends and support circle. But maintain a peaceful atmosphere in home for your daughter.

If you decide to continue in this marriage, let him come to you. Then set new rules on transparency-( no secret passwords). If he agrees only then proceed with your life together . Don't involve others into it. Marriage works only when both work as a team. If one is not ready, what is the point in continuing in it.

If he utter divorce- just take a stand you are ok or you don't care. You can also tell him you married in presence of everyone in both families- so every one should know about his EMA. If he is particular- talk to his parents and your parents first about it- it is not your head ache. If he wants divorce- he has to file it and you are not going to file it.

Going after him or pleading, crying should not be done. IF he did the mistake, he has to realize it, accept the harm it created and apologize to you. He need to take more effort to come back to your life. Make him do that.

"But if my husband breaks my trust again, I will definitely call it quits" - Yeah, there is no pointing in continuing with a cheating spouse life long. If you continue that will be a wrong message to daughter like -ema is OK in marriage.

But if it happens, prepare you finance, plan well about an exit plan, about your life with daughter etc well before deciding to desperate or divorce. Then make everyone aware that the EMA of dh is the reason for divorce. But I think that is the last option.

 

I am in the state of mind as yours OP. My married life of 10 years crushed to end due to my husband,s affair which was continuing for a year behind my back .

He was so loose with other women as well before and justified that it was like his sister or cousin who helped him blah blah...but all these was just crossing the limits with I miss you , I love you messages etc .I ignored many red alerts , the late night work (now I realize that it was all lies) ,keeping multiple phone numbers etc. He had gifted her money ,gold ,travelled to visit her often telling lies to me and also slept with her.I am that unlucky spouse who had seen a photo of both of them together in the bed and that image will not get erased until I die .How he described about my sex life in their chat conversations was disgusting and disturbing .I need to live with all these thoughts.
Coming to your issues , gather evidence , expose it to your parents or ILs , ask the lady to cut all contacts with your husband or else face consequences. All this only if you think you can live with your husband bearing all the mess around.IT IS NOT EASY. All the images , chats will come and occupy your mind all the time. Meditate ,join dance/music class or learn new hobby...talk to a counsellor if possible (not for the marriage but for you to come out of this depressed state)

Its almost 6 months since I knew about my husband,s EMA. I live in the same house with my kid but emotionally checked out of the marriage ,removed wedding ring and I consider myself a single lady with a kid though live with my husband.One side love or trust doesnt work in marriage.Even if you continue in the marriage you may not get the respect or love from husband. Prepare yourself for that.If he was respecting or loving you he will not hurt you .Talk to your parents or a close friend after gathering evidences.Give yourself time to come out of this state of mind. Cry out loud and reduce the burden from your heart. I still cry when thoughts swallow me .Wish you peaceful days ahead.

 

Oh it's so sad to hear that.. can't imagine what u went through..

Wish you a happy and wonderful life ahead though..

 

Dear @BlueLotus,

You say that you don't wanna leave this relationship because you were in love for 9 years before marriage and he loves his daughter. Well, think about it this way. Why didn't your husband think about all the years you two have invested in this relationship and about the mother of his daughter before going after another woman? I'm assuming here that you're sure about this affair between them. You've already thrown away 13 years of your life for this guy and he didn't think twice about betraying you? Even after your repeated confrontations he refuses to even acknowledge the problem and keeps denying it, not to mention he's not even sorry. Judging by the other woman's reaction, it would indeed seem that something fishy is going on, or else if it was an innocent friendship, why would she be so afraid of her husband finding out? You already have a significant advantage here in that you are an educated, working woman who has been looking after the family balancing work and home. I think u need to tread carefully before coming to any decisions here. First of all, like a lot of the previous posters said already, collect evidence that an affair is indeed going on here. Also keep a good record of what you've been spending on your family and how you're the main contributor to household expenses, daughter's expenses etc. Then, talk to your husband again and ask him to cut off all contact with this woman. If he still keeps denying it or refuses, then you may need to consider moving out with your daughter and figure out whether you want to continue this marriage or not. In some ways, the thrill of carrying on an illicit affair behind the respective spouses' backs will wear off once it comes out in the open and those involved are forced to confront the reality - ie do they leave their longtime spouses to shack up together and make a real go of it or not. Then people will start wondering about society and how others will view them. Force them to make the tough decision. Also, even if he moves away with you, can you ever trust him not to make the same mistake again?

You're a beautiful, self-dependent woman and have nothing to lose except a cheating husband and selfish, short-sighted in-laws.

 

I will not suggest you to continue. As the case that I had seen was very much similar. She also loved her dh a lot and after knowing about his affairs she had fight collect the proves tell him I know all this and have proofs. But all that didn't stopped him. He always broke her trust and did whatever he wants. Still she tried to stay in the relation. ILs were too bad still lived with them. Her husband used to live abroad for long for the work. Handled the kid from the time of pregnancy alone. Everything she did just for the love. And the result of all that is her husband beated her badly. Mil saying beat her more but don't leave a mark so that she can't go to police. And throw her out of the house. She is now living with her mom and kid fighting for divorce handling the blame of she having affair and all the things that no one can even think about. Sorry for sharing this. The worst that one can get is this thing.

 

Op....you keep saying you love this man. That is your biggest weakness and you are your worst enemy.
There is not one goodness in this man.

1)He humiliates you,hurts you and s emotionally abusive.
2)He does not give you any physical or sexual satisfaction .
3) He does not provide for the family financially as a breadwinner or equal partner.

The affair does not matter any longer. You do not need proof. he has asked you for divorce and talked about marrying the virtuous cheating woman . He has checked out of the marriage op. Now he is a squatter living rent free with full services. He is a squatter and should be treated like one.Why are you treating him like a husband when he is no longer one?

You have two choices.
1) If you want to continue in this marriage for the sake of the child ,then you need to protect yourself emotionally and financially.

Tell him since he has checked out of the marriage ,he is now like a roommate.
Tell him to pay half of household expenses and do half the household work...or pay more to get it done.
Ask him to invest for your daughter's future

Cut yourself emotionally and physically from him .Don't let him hurt you more.

2) If you want to seperate ,work out the least painful and secure way of doing it.
Tell him you want a mutual divorce with joint custody.
If you have a good job ,you will not get much maintainance ,so concentrate on child maintainance.

If possible,get a good one time settlement for her in terms of property or lumpsum money on her name . Once he remarries he will not care much for your daughter's financial security . ( If he cared that much,he would not be destroying her home right now).

If he says things being bad because of your stressed relationship with mil....then tell him that you hope the cheating bitch has a better relationship with his mom in future.

Also tell your mil to get seva from the cheating bitch in future as she has given you a cheating abusive son for a husband.

 

Not entirely true. Depends on the guy's cultural background too. For eg - men from cosmopolitan backgrounds and who have grown up having female friends, sometimes have such friends even as married adults. But it isn't just one woman who is a steady presence. Rather it could be 2 or more who have been friends with him for long. Even then, once married, formerly single men tend to gradually move away from their female friends. They may call to wish their female friends on festivals but won't feature in their top 5 contacts in whatsapp. Women are right to suspect men who have not developed such relationships early on but use claims of friendship to defend themselves. It would be natural for anyone to ask - "Why a female friend now ? And why her ? and why after you already have a wife ?"

In the case of workplace friendships, it is among equals and peers. Not senior and junior level colleagues. Also such friendships have clear boundaries with many taking great care to avoid being misunderstood by their colleagues or being accused of sexual harassment. Good husbands limit any communication if it upsets their wife and almost never initiate conversations or entertain messages like "Miss You" etc which is very inappropriate among colleagues. Talking after hrs/ weekends on non-work related stuff is usually non existent. This is also not an isolated Indian thing. Long term platonic male/female friendships are even rarer in western countries because wives and girlfriends keep an eagle eye to make sure no other woman walks away with her partner.

You did not make a mistake. You acted naturally and things happened organically. Infact it would have been unnatural if you did not react. Please treat this as such. Women are known to lose their cool even if there is a whiff of infidelity or intrusion by a 3rd party.

Again, not your mistake. You were a new mom and anyone in your shoes would appreciate having someone take the lead in household duties if they can get that help. Your MIL has actively planted and abetted issues in your marriage because it appears she did not fully like the cross-cultural match. Please make sure she stays away from your home but do so diplomatically with excuses. When she visits, if possible hire a cook/house help so that the household is firmly in your control.