Really Confused About My Husband's Behaviour. Pls Help.

Hi All,

From many days there have been lot of fights between me and my husband. Recently things have started turning ugly and I am in a fix as to what I should do now. To provide the background, me and my husband have been married for 4 years and we have a 3 year old kid. It was a love marriage. We are from different states and our cultures differ from each other drastically. Until 2 years back, all was good between me and my husband. We were the ideal couple so much in love. My husband went for a short onsite deputation for around 6 months. Along with my husband, a few other male colleagues and one female colleague also went. This girl was usually friendly with all the guys and I thought she is friendly with my husband in the same way. To tell briefly about my husband, he never had close female friends and even if he has one he would never hide anything from me. I started noticing changes in my husband's behavior ever since he started talking to that girl. He would often praise the girl and even share his laptop and mobile with her. Generally my husband is very protective about his personal belongings so much that even I cant touch any of his things without asking him so him sharing it with the girl was slightly shocking to me. But I only thought I am acting possessive so suppressed these thoughts.

When my husband came back, he was a different person. I could not figure out what exactly. Me and my husband had a pretty active sex life before. But after he came back,I noticed my husband always telling me he is tired. I thought may be its the long journey. But two months later, when he was still not getting intimate with me I asked him about this because it was very unusual for my husband to be like this. No catching hands, no hugging nothing. To my shock, he started hurling abusive words at me telling me I am addicted and should be ashamed to ask for intimacy being a woman. He even told me to sleep with another man If I am desperate. I was shocked to the core hearing my loving husband speak like this. We both loved each other for 9 years and this was never an issue between us. So I stopped asking him. But when I stopped, he too did not care. We would go for months without intimacy and again when I would ask him, he would repeat speaking abusively calling me a characterless woman and what not.

Life went on for next 2 years with very minimal intimacy between us. We started fighting for petty issues. And often in fights I would find my husband telling me about his female friend from onsite praising her for her womanly virtues. All this hurt me very much so I just could not help doubting that something else is going on. A year back, that girl got married and she came back to offshore at same location where my husband was working which meant they saw each other everyday. But whenever I would ask my husband, he would tell me he hardly sees her as he is busy with work. I also left it since she got married. But my husband kept maintaining distance from me citing silly reasons like fight with my mil, not doing household chores etc.

My husband was also getting very protective about his mobile and laptop. So one day I took his mobile and checked his chat messages in a messenger app. I noticed that the chat notifications were coming but messages could not be seen. I somehow unlocked the hidden chat and to my shock found that it was the same female colleague. She had messaged my husband at night saying I miss you. All these days they were in touch constantly and my husband never told me these things. When I confronted my husband, he started shouting badly telling it is none of my business who he is friends with and that she told him I miss you as a friend. But I just could not understand why would a married woman message another married man at night. This incident hurt me to the core because my husband hid all this from me. I even told him that his closeness with her is hurting me but he still continued. This became a huge issue and my parents and inlaws also had to get involved. He told very bad things about me to my inlaws including me initiating intimacy. I felt very embarrassed and felt like dying that very moment. I just could not understand why will any husband hate his wife so much. My inlaws told me he wont talk to that girl again. I went to my native for few days and thought that I will try to move on for sake of my child.

Again, one day my husband went for hair cut. I started getting bored and took my husband's laptop to browse something. When I entered a keystroke in google search tab, I saw his recent search results like how to delete amazon order history, how to hide apps and files in android etc. He had installed an app in his phone which looks like audio manager but is actually a secret app to protect privacy. My gut instinct kept telling me something is wrong. Again when I confronted him, he called up my mil and told he wants divorce and cant live with me. From the moment my husband came back frm onsite, he always tried to break the relationship for silly reasons and each time I would beg him. I love him to the core so could not tolerate my loving husband transformed like this. It is clearly visible that he has no love left for me. These two years, I suffered a lot emotionally.

Sorry for a very long post but I am totally broken. Please help me to understand is this behavior of a husband towards his wife normal. Can a husband hate his wife so much and avoid intimacy with her. Am I over-reacting.

 

Thanks @Nonya and @Sandycandy for your replies. To add few more things, I am a working woman. And majority of household expenses is taken care of by me. Right from saving money to paying my daughter's fees, I have been doing it all. As a working woman, I found it really difficult to balance home and work. My husband would often scold me for not being like a woman. But he was never man enough to even provide for his family or kid. I did it all and still I would end up hearing bad words. All these days, I kept blaming myself and tried working on myself in whatever aspects possible. But from his side there was zero effort as according to him he was 100% right. My husband was a very soft spoken guy and loved me very much. It is only for the sake of old times I still wanted to hold onto this relationship. But in this process, I lost my self-esteem, self-respect everything.

 

What you are telling is true @Nonya. I realised this too late. To think of it now, in many aspects I have been one step ahead of my husband. Whether its looks, intelligence, money or expressing love. I rejected several onsite opportunities because I wanted my husband to grow in his career and prosper. My husband was the centre of my world. But he loves my daughter. In all these fights, my daughter is also getting impacted. I stooped to a very low level which no educated woman will do just to keep this relationship going. Even if I get separated from him, I can never hate him. I don't know if I will ever be able to heal from all this.