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Ramblings Of A Troubled Mind

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by alldone, May 29, 2016.

  1. alldone

    alldone Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Just want to vent out a bit. My marriage has been a miserable one from the very beginning. Its been 5 years. Trouble started almost as soon as our marriage was fixed. Though it was an arranged marriage to start with, my MIL because of various insecurities, wanted to call it off. My husband persisted, convinced me and my family it was going to be ok and we married. He showed off his true colours almost immediately. Suddenly it became necessary for him to make up with his enraged mother by sacrificing me and my family at the altar. He started threatening with divorce from just a few days after marriage. On the rare occasions I met his mother, she used to heap such indecent and nasty abuses on me and my family. The son was the true representative of her at other times. Constantly fighting with him, I felt myself change to someone I was ashamed of. Thankfully I had been a fiercely independent person throughout life and my job and God kept me going. In this turbulent situation, as I didn't want to raise a family, my husband demanded a medical certificate claiming I am physically fit. Point to be noted, I got married at 25, he was 32. Why would I have to prove myself to anyone? So he then forced me and my family to send him a divorce notice 3 years back. For me, the marriage ended in those days in my heart. But he didn't respond to the notice and he stayed with me for all these years. His mother has literally thrown a slipper at me once. So I was never letting her visit my place again. This was another of his complaints. I seriously want to know, how is the state of Indian women now? Wanting a little self respect is too much to ask for? Why should I, being equally qualified, financially independent be a slave to them. Why would I want to mingle with people who derive happiness in soiling my character and hurting me in and out. I never had /have to marry again, so I just continued as a caring room mate to my husband. It was so very convenient for him, he can be carefree, when I would take care of everything at home. He never missed an opportunity to make me feel abnormal and de-valued. He would say my life would have been like this even if I had married anybody else. He was just sticking around, I guess, thinking I will eventually submit to him. But unfortunately for him, I turned from a depressed self loathing person (for 2 years almost every day I would cry) to someone who just wanted to live with whatever has been left in my life. He couldn't stand it, he felt I was happy after ruining his life. Finally, after years of this, he has moved out. He made sure he can extract all kinds of help from me before moving out. He has sent a lawyer's notice and is saying if I don't respond, he and his family will physically harm me and my family. He is just scared I think that I will demand alimony, well I have wanted none of his money when we were together, why the hell would I want any of it now? I am very clear that he cant force me to respond. If I don't feel like, I wont. Let him get an exparte divorce. To me the divorce happened years ago. I was just being a good human being / roommate to him post that. I don't even want to talk about this to my friends, I don't want their sympathy. 'A divorcee' will not be my identity. At times, I feel relieved that he is finally gone. Yet at times, I am so angry about the wasted years. Just thought, someone out here would know what I am talking about...
     
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  2. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    I am so proud of you, you refused to be a tv serial bah and you did good, you should have kicked him out years ago though. I told 13 years of abuse from my in laws before I smartened up and cut them off. Good for you.
     
  3. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, Bravo!!.What a woman you are!!. You shud cite divorce reasons as severe abuse by entire in laws and husband . That will be a permanent mark on your ex and ex MIL. What more glory can you add than this? They deserve that. Record all the dialogues your ex threatened you with harm and hand it over as abuse to court.

    You deserved better and still do. The nightmare is over to a beautiful sunshine. Good Luck.
     
    sindmani and cheenu123 like this.
  4. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    I think that legal divorce should be done, even though u don't want to marry again. Otherwise it is still kind of tied , financially , legally as h and wife. It can any time come and bite u. U can talk to lawyer. I think Finishing the formality of legal divorce is good
     
  5. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    OMG OP you are a blessing in disguise. I too am separated and heading for a divorce soon. However, your post is so inspiring. Despite of all the hardships, you emerged out as a stronger woman while living with that insensitive man.
    Way to go, god bless you.
     
  6. idonthatemylife

    idonthatemylife Silver IL'ite

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    Dear @alldone, you sure are an inspiration.God Bless.
     
  7. alldone

    alldone Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot dear friends for taking time to respond, means a lot to hear a kind word in this time of turmoil..
     
  8. priyanka12345

    priyanka12345 Silver IL'ite

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    Hats off to you for being such a strong women.

    even if you dont want to marry, I think ending it legally will help you be at peace. may be some years down the line you start feeling you did serve him or made him carefree as you say and that can haunt you.
     
    omnam likes this.
  9. kollen

    kollen Bronze IL'ite

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    Good on you for venting it out on here. I am sure there many more people in similar situation like yours.

    One point though, from now onwards, please try to break you wall-of-text into smaller paragraphs so it is easier to absorb the content of the post.
     
  10. kollen

    kollen Bronze IL'ite

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    What is it about some mother-in-laws being so powerful in regards as to how their sons should act, live, behave , communicate and eat.

    My paternal grandmother was a pain in the ass from the moment she arrived to spend holidays with us.

    I never lived in India as I was born and brought up in the West world. I have seen so many Indian movies and real life events in many families that undergo major problems caused by the mother-in-laws and yet , not many are capabilities enough to stand up and say this is the limit.

    Tonight's polemic question... Why do some mother-in-laws want to be 'Hillary Clinton'?

    This question was brought to you by a man. Haha.
     

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